There is no shame in admitting that at times I live vicariously through my children because there are so great things in the world that I could not get to do in my childhood. Life had other paths for me. Yes, there is some resentment at times. Part of my outlook in life derives from the lack of certain experiences. When the K Kids were born, I made a promise to them that I would do all the things I wish my parents had done for me.
Sometimes the kids humor me. There are times where their personalities clash with mine. Nothing in the world will get them to see things my way. It is part of life.
However, Paczki just joined Girls Scouts. This is something I wanted to do when I was a child. It just never happened. This new adventure works well because it kills two birds with one stone. First, we get to spend time together without being bothered by FullEclipse, K2, the dogs, etc. My goal for therapy this year was to be more involved in Paczki’s life. Part one – DONE. We will have a date every two weeks. Dinner, then Girl Scouts. Second, I get to make friends. Being in this hellhole I call SoCal has left me with no one I can turn to in case we need help. It is going be rough since I tend to be awkard. Relating to people, especially women, is not something I really care too much about. Oh well!
If Packzi decides Girl Scouts is not for her, she can stop.
Now if I can get her to try to take over the world with me!!!
But let’s hope it all works out.
I almost used Gwyneth Paltrow’s famous phrase of “consciously uncoupling” in the title of this post. It would go so well with my obsession of Hollywood stars. The post will not be as scary as I think it will be because this is a serious matter.
Or so I think…
…No, it really is.
Here is a little bit of background:
For a long time I refused to seek professional help for my anxiety. One of the reasons behind my stubbornness was fact that I did not want to be medicated for the rest of my life. It wasn’t until I almost stopped going outside my house that I had to reasses my beliefs. With the help of Dr. How I Met Your Mother, Dr. Backstreet Boy, and Dr. Inception, I found a combination of medications that worked.
But, there was always a nagging feeling. I could not shake the feeling that being on medication for the rest of my life was something I did not want to do unless it was necessary. Finding out the answer required a lot thinking and hard work from my doctors.
I always meant to ask the medication question to all my doctors. Perhaps I did at one point. I just do not remember. Obviously, nothing came of it since our focus was to get me better. With Dr. Redemption things are different. The goal is to continue with my recovery.
A week ago, Dr. Redemption and I talked about weaning off medication to see if I can live without pills. I had to talk to him about it. He listened to what I had to say and we are going to give it a try to see how things go. There is a plan in motion. Dr. Redemption is going to monitor my progress until we get the answers I need. If my anxiety returns, then we will know for sure it was something in my brain. The what-ifs will be gone. I will be okay with taking medication for the rest of life.
I am scared. However, this is something I have to do. I want to have another child. The idea of being on anything during the pregnancy scares me. The thought of being lost in my anxiety must be addressed as soon as possible – before I get pregnant.
The next weeks will be a heck of a ride. The ride that I hope will lead me to more self discovery or more medication depending on how fucked up my brain is.
School began this week. My mind is at ease. There have been no freak outs which is scary. Maybe, as time goes by this weekend, reality will sink in. Other problems occupy my mind. With FullEclipse still looking for a job, classes are the least of my problems. I will put in my best effort. The end is near. If all my classes line up nicely, my degree is only a year away.
I have two classes this semester. One if Computer Forensics (cue in CSI Music). I am stoked! The other class is a capstone course. Well, that came out of nowhere. A three credit/unit class for a capstone? Not too bad! There is a big project that takes 20% of my grade. The assignments are spread out throughout the semester. However, I plan on starting it as soon as I can. FullEclipse will help me with the research. The topic should, in theory, be easy to research.
So, I stand corrected. My major has a capstone. But can I say I am even more annoyed about the must-take class of nine units…you know…the one I dropped? That is a waste of time and money. I still want to use those credits to take more classes. Maybe saving the money for some certifications would be nice.
Since November of last year, the realization that death can come at any time. It does not discriminate. The fact that two young people lost their lives to cancer cemented this sad fact of life. One of the things I have been working on is a list of songs to be played at my funeral. Yes, it is a morbid thing to think about. But, being a control freak, I want people to truly understand where I come from. Music is the perfect medium to convey my message.
Oddly enough, Dr. Absolution and I were talking about my goals for therapy this year. I gave him a list of what things I wanted to change/accomplish. I don’t know how this happened, but he suggested I imagined how I wanted to be remembered at my funeral. Because I don’t have a lot friends, I suggested that maybe writing an obituary would be a good idea. He agreed. Dr. Absolution sees it as a way to see where I picture myself in life. With a clear vision, we can achieve my goals.
Yet, I can’t seem to put into words what I want to do with my life. Well, I don’t know how I want to live my life. How do I want to be remembered? It is a question I must answer. It is not easy at all. I guess that is the whole point of the exercise – to focus on what I want to do instead of dreaming about it.
With school starting this week, getting this done might be a challenge.
I also don’t want to think about dying.
I mean, who does!???
Don’t worry, there is plenty of Queen left.
I just don’t know how I want to live!
I took this picture yesterday afternoon.
A few things come to mind.
First, the dogs look like they are about to get into a lot of trouble. Fred will pounce at a moment’s notice. Second, Kona is a cool dog. With Fuego’s (Kitty) death, my love for Kona grew. I finally saw her for who she truly is. Finally, I get to see why Bostons get along with Boxers so well. Despite of their small size (about a third of a Boxer when fully grown), they put up with the Boxers style of playing. Bostons can take Boxers on. It is so cute to see. Fred growls and sounds like Kona when he plays. It took a while for Fred to understand that Kona was trying not to kill him when she growled so loudly.
But, perhaps, the biggest thing from this picture is what the dogs have taught me – coping with your disabilities to make the best of your situation. Kona has a bad back. It is riddled with arthritis. Getting up is a challenge. To a little puppy like Fred, Kona is just another dog. Kona could not keep up with the playing. So she lays down and they play together. Just two dogs (minus the running around). There is no pain for Kona. Fred doesn’t judge like humans do. The dogs make the most of their play time. It is so nice to see Kona enjoy Fred.
If only we could learn to be more like dogs.
A few days after the passing of Kitty, FullEclipse and I began to talk about getting a new puppy to help Paczki deal with the loss. Her way of coping was to ask for a small dog that could live longer than a boxer. She had ideas on what to do to track the dog’s life, etc. It was cute yet heartbreaking in a way. I am happy that Paczki was able to deal with the loss in a logical manner.
As much as I hated the idea of getting a new puppy, especially since I had not grieved Kitty, I knew it was the right thing to do for the K Family. FullEclipse and I had talked before about which kind of dog we would after our Boxers died. We settled for a Boston Terrier. One of my best friends has a Boxer (one passed away) and two Bostons. The personalities mesh really well. Bostons are a smaller version of Boxers. With Kona being an older dog, she needs a smaller dog to be able to keep up with the playing, etc. We also wanted a boy because two Boxer girls are bound to fight. Kona will only hurt herself since she is the dominant dog.
After many phone calls and ads, we found the perfect breeder. She asked the right questions and had no problem answering ours. You would be surprised to see how many backyard breeders pose as reputable/caring. The breeder and I emailed each other often. She sent us pictures. There was a guy who stood out right away. He was the bigger puppy of the picture. A cute brindle boy. I always want a solid color dog, but life sends me brindled dogs! We made plans to visit the breeder. My issue was the travel. At 50 miles away from home, the idea of making a few trips out there seemed so daunting. On a Saturday morning, we got the kids. Paczki whined because she wanted to stay home. Once she realized where we were going, things got much better.
So, we met our guy. I had a name picked out but it didn’t seem right. The breeder had an Ethel, Lucy (loved her!), and Fred. I looked at the puppy. He looked like a Fred to me. The name stuck. It is a great name. When we registered him for the AKC, he was given the name Fred XVI – fancy!
Here is a picture of the day we brought Sir Fred Stink Eye K XVI home:
He was smaller than Kona’s tongue.
Fred is getting used to being around us. One of his ears is goofy. We decided not to tape it as it was suggested. That only makes him more unique. The tie adds to his personality.
I miss Kitty like crazy, but I know he is finally at rest.
Fred has helped a lot.
Today Paczki started first grade.
As much as this summer sucked for all of us in terms of spending too much time together in close quarters, it was sad to see my first kid go back to school. Long gone is the shy little girl who was hesitant about going to school. FullEclipse, K2, and I dropped her off and waiting until Packzi walked to her classroom. We will pick her up as well. This is a tradition I hope to keep for many years.
It is very surprising to see how much time has passed. If there is a regret to have, is the fact that I did not hold Paczki as much as I should have when she was a baby. But I am making it up with lots of kisses and silly games.
Can we slow time down? Paczki keeps growing and growing. Pretty soon, My Little Pony will give way to something else. My baby needs to enjoy her childhood. Who needs homework at 6 1/2? Right?
Today Paczki gets her favorite meal as a way to start the new school year. One of many many many meals to come with our kids.
Despite of the fact that FullEclipse lost his job, I cannot be bitter. Money comes and goes, but our family stays the same. I am truly blessed even if at times I lose hope.
Enjoy your day love of my life. You will kick major ass in First Grade!
FullEclipse lost his job last Thursday. Because of what might happen next with his union, I can’t really go into specifics. Even if I could, I wouldn’t do it. Let’s just say it was an underhanded move.
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were hectic. My mind went into worst case scenario thinking. Part of it is true. We are losing our health insurance along with a nice pay. My worry is and will always be my mental health. So much work has gone into making me somewhat normal. Today I went into Dr. Absolution’s office with the idea of weaning off my medications. Thankfully, I can go see him once a month as a cash patient. Crisis averted.
The question is, where to go from here? Obviously, FullEclipse is looking for a new job. He is not sitting down waiting for things to happen even if the lay off made him really upset. He wants to move on.
This setback will drain our savings account. Let’s hope we have enough to get us through the rough patch. We are lucky because we don’t pay rent.
I don’t know what the next month will be like, especially with K2 and my birthday coming up. The trip in December is now on hold even though the tickets are paid. So much is up in the air. I hate not being in control.
One thing is for sure, we are “Ks” and we will get through it.
After the first meeting with my new p-psychiatrist along with some help from Dr. Socks (the marriage therapist), my new doctor has a nickname – Dr. Absolution.
And you know what? The name fits him. He has the calm demeanor of a priest. His patience seems to have no bounds. Where Dr. Inception tore me a new one (psychologically speaking and in a great way), Dr. Absolution will come in to help me guide through the new set of challenges that come my way – from traveling more to another change of career path (thanks Dr. Inception!).
I feel like good things will continue to happen with Dr. Absolution.
Everything will fall into place so I can let go of how fucked up my ex and the aftermath of the divorce and years after that….
I can be content with being me.
Plus many other issues that drag me down.
But if I lose him to kids, my head will explode!
The subject line would be so perfect for a good Fuego story. Too bad this post is a sad one.
On Saturday, after running errands for a soon to be member of the family, we picked Fuego’s ashes from the veterinarian. The ashes were ready to pick up last Wednesday. I wanted to go alone to do this for my Fuego. Because of the time I got home, I did not find a chance in my schedule. Sad!
But I could no longer wait any longer. Kitty needed to come home to me. Since my grieving process has been out of its norm, I did not know what to expect. Part of me knew I would cry. I just did not know how things would play out. As we drove closer to the office, I could feel the sadness. I walked into the office alone. They handed me a nice baggie.
I sat in the car. When I opened the bag, I saw his ashes and a paw print. On the way home, I lost it. Everything that I held inside came out in sobs. The kids and FullEclipse sat quietly. It was a very somber drive.
Today, as I drove to work, I felt the same sadness take over.
The truth is, I miss kitty. He is ashes and nothing more. I want to believe all dogs go to heaven.
I really do.
I miss him so much.