Travel Adventures

At the end of January, I decided to bite the bullet and book a trip somewhere.  As I had posted before, I was getting back to my old ways of anxiety.  I felt like I was going down a path that I did not like.

So, I looked around and decided to go to Ohio.

Well, you may be asking, “Why Ohio?”

The answer is simple.  For the past few years, I have been part of a secret group in Facebook.  We all come from different backgrounds, countries, and nationalities.  It is a fun hide away from the world.  We have a lot of things in common.  A few of the members had met before.  They all had a blast.  I wanted to get up to one of the get together for a while, but timing was always an issue.

The latest meeting (I like to call them symposium) was going to take place right after my Winter Semester.  I jumped at the opportunity and booked a trip.  I also made plans to share a room with a friend who was pregnant (this will be important to remember).

I consulted with Dr. Redemption (though his name will soon be changed).  I got my Xanax and off I went to Ohio.

The first part of the trip went well.  I got on the freeway with my dad (he is a big trigger for anxiety) and made it to the airport okay.  I boarded the plane with no anxiety.  Everything was going great until someone said, “is there a doctor on the plane?”  Someone was having medical problems.  I made it through that incident just fine.

Ohio was a fucking blast.  I had so much fun with everyone.  I felt accepted.  No one cared about my accent (OH MY GOD!  I have an accent).  It was nice to be with people who cursed and just loved to have fun.  Lots of drinks, cards for humanity, food, and snow.

My return flight, however, was a total bust.  I was scheduled to return on a Sunday morning.  I didn’t sleep on Saturday because the flight was going to leave early.  Getting a few hours of sleep made no sense.  Well, that was a bad call on my part.  My Xanax took forever to kick in.  I was tired.  The flight was going to be delayed until they could defrost the wings of the plane, the check line was busy and I thought I was going to miss the flight.  It was a cluster fuck of bad events.  I felt like an attack was coming.  I almost jumped out and said, “get me the fuck out of here.”

The one thing that kept me focused was my kids.  I had to get back to them no matter what…and I did!

I have to say, I feel like a failure for not getting things under control.  At this point, I do not think I made any progress with my anxiety.  In fact, I have this feeling that I went back a few steps.

I guess only time will tell…right?

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One Year Ago

Almost a year ago I was in Chicago.  It was a quick trip to test my nerves.  It was a huge accomplishment to be able to get on the airplane.  I felt on top of the world.

And here I stand, a year later in another rut.  Still gaining weight and getting back to old habits.  I cannot let my anxiety win.  But it is so hard.  The truth is that I miss Dr. Inception like crazy.  It feels like we still had issues we needed to address.  Do not get me wrong, Dr. Absolution is great.  I am not quite there with him.  Maybe this is just me.  Perhaps I just need to grow the fuck up, get over my anxiety, and lose weight.

For now, I weep.

Un-Fucking-Hinged

Well, that was an unexpected turn of events in regards to going off medication.  Nothing could have prepared me for the rage going through my body in the past two weeks.  To be short and to the point – I am unhinged.  Truly, unhinged.  My attitude has changed a lot.  I never realized how much more mellow my medication made me.  If you ask FullEclipse, I am anything but mellow.

But honestly, I can feel the difference.  Everything angers me.  There is just pure rage coming off my pores.  The gates are open and the fallout is interesting.

I went from trying to please everyone in spite of how I felt to not giving a damn about what comes out of my mouth.  The kids are the one ones who don’t get to see this side of me when I speak to them.

As refreshing as it feels to say what I think, it is not good.  People get upset.  I get angrier.  Nothing good comes out of it.  It feels like I should bow down and let people walk all over me.

I guess I am lost because the change in behavior was unexpected.

Even this post does not make sense in my head.

I will speak with Dr. Redemption next week.  Being off medications might not be in the cards for me at all.  If I give up now, it feels like I am quitter.  However, if I don’t nip this issue in the butt right away, I will end up causing a lot of trouble because I hurt people.

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Unmedicated and Aware

I almost used Gwyneth Paltrow’s famous phrase of “consciously uncoupling” in the title of this post.  It would go so well with my obsession of Hollywood stars.  The post will not be as scary as I think it will be because this is a serious matter.

Or so I think…

…No, it really is.

Here is a little bit of background:

For a long time I refused to seek professional help for my anxiety.  One of the reasons behind my stubbornness was fact that I did not want to be medicated for the rest of my life.  It wasn’t until I almost stopped going outside my house that I had to reasses my beliefs.  With the help of Dr. How I Met Your Mother, Dr. Backstreet Boy, and Dr. Inception, I found a combination of medications that worked.

But, there was always a nagging feeling.  I could not shake the feeling that being on medication for the rest of my life was something I did not want to do unless it was necessary.  Finding out the answer required a lot thinking and hard work from my doctors.

I always meant to ask the medication question to all my doctors.  Perhaps I did at one point.  I just do not remember.   Obviously, nothing came of it since our focus was to get me better.  With Dr. Redemption things are different.  The goal is to continue with my recovery.

A week ago, Dr. Redemption and I talked about weaning off medication to see if I can live without pills.  I had to talk to him about it.  He listened to what I had to say and we are going to give it a try to see how things go.  There is a plan in motion.  Dr. Redemption is going to monitor my progress until we get the answers I need.  If my anxiety returns, then we will know for sure it was something in my brain.  The what-ifs will be gone.  I will be okay with taking medication for the rest of life.

I am scared.  However, this is something I have to do.  I want to have another child.  The idea of being on anything during the pregnancy scares me.  The thought of being lost in my anxiety must be addressed as soon as possible – before I get pregnant.

The next weeks will be a heck of a ride.  The ride that I hope will lead me to more self discovery or more medication depending on how fucked up my brain is.

 

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How Do I Want To Live My Life?

Since November of last year, the realization that death can come at any time.  It does not discriminate.  The fact that two young people lost their lives to cancer cemented this sad fact of life.  One of the things I have been working on is a list of songs to be played at my funeral.  Yes, it is a morbid thing to think about.  But, being a control freak, I want people to truly understand where I come from.  Music is the perfect medium to convey my message.

Oddly enough, Dr. Absolution and I were talking about my goals for therapy this year.  I gave him a list of what things I wanted to change/accomplish.  I don’t know how this happened, but he suggested I imagined how I wanted to be remembered at my funeral.  Because I don’t have a lot friends, I suggested that maybe writing an obituary would be a good idea.  He agreed.  Dr. Absolution sees it as a way to see where I picture myself in life.  With a clear vision, we can achieve my goals.

Yet, I can’t seem to put into words what I want to do with my life.  Well, I don’t know how I want to live my life.  How do I want to be remembered?  It is a question I must answer.  It is not easy at all.  I guess that is the whole point of the exercise – to focus on what I want to do instead of dreaming about it.  

With school starting this week, getting this done might be a challenge.  

I also don’t want to think about dying.

I mean, who does!???

Don’t worry, there is plenty of Queen left.  

I just don’t know how I want to live!

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A Setback In Life

FullEclipse lost his job last Thursday.  Because of what might happen next with his union, I can’t really go into specifics.  Even if I could, I wouldn’t do it.  Let’s just say it was an underhanded move.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were hectic.  My mind  went into worst case scenario thinking.  Part of it is true.  We are losing our health insurance along with a nice pay.  My worry is and will always be my mental health.  So much work has gone into making me somewhat normal.  Today I went into Dr. Absolution’s office with the idea of weaning off my medications.  Thankfully, I can go see him once a month as a cash patient.  Crisis averted.

The question is, where to go from here?  Obviously, FullEclipse is looking for a new job.  He is not sitting down waiting for things to happen even if the lay off made him really upset.  He wants to move on.

This setback will drain our savings account.  Let’s hope we have enough to get us through the rough patch.  We are lucky because we don’t pay rent.

I don’t know what the next month will be like, especially with K2 and my birthday coming up.  The trip in December is now on hold even though the tickets are paid.  So much is up in the air.  I hate not being in control.

One thing is for sure, we are “Ks” and we will get through it.

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Meet the New P-sychiatrist

After the first meeting with my new p-psychiatrist along with some help from Dr. Socks (the marriage therapist), my new doctor has a nickname – Dr. Absolution.

And you know what?  The name fits him.  He has the calm demeanor of a priest.  His patience seems to have no bounds.  Where Dr. Inception tore me a new one (psychologically speaking and in a great way), Dr. Absolution will come in to help me guide through the new set of challenges that come my way – from traveling more to another change of career path (thanks Dr. Inception!). 

I feel like good things will continue to happen with Dr. Absolution. 

Everything will fall into place so I can let go of how fucked up my ex and the aftermath of the divorce and years after that….

I can be content with being me.

Plus many other issues that drag me down.

But if I lose him to kids, my head will explode!

Damn kids!

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Of Mice and Kitty

The subject line would be so perfect for a good Fuego story.  Too bad this post is a sad one. 

kittyashes

On Saturday, after running errands for a soon to be member of the family, we picked Fuego’s ashes from the veterinarian.  The ashes were ready to pick up last Wednesday.  I wanted to go alone to do this for my Fuego.  Because of the time I got home, I did not find a chance in my schedule.  Sad! 

But I could no longer wait any longer.  Kitty needed to come home to me.  Since my grieving process has been out of its norm, I did not know what to expect.  Part of me knew I would cry.  I just did not know how things would play out.  As we drove closer to the office, I could feel the sadness.  I walked into the office alone.  They handed me a nice baggie.

I sat in the car.  When I opened the bag, I saw his ashes and a paw print.  On the way home, I lost it.  Everything that I held inside came out in sobs.  The kids and FullEclipse sat quietly.  It was a very somber drive. 

Today, as I drove to work, I felt the same sadness take over.

The truth is, I miss kitty.  He is ashes and nothing more.  I want to believe all dogs go to heaven.

I really do.

I miss him so much. 

Oh kitty. 

 

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For Dr. Inception – Time to Say Goodbye

First I fired “Dr. Smokes a lot” – not a big loss.

Dr. How I Met Your Mother left after a month of seeing me because her residency year was up.  That was tough, but she planted a tiny seed inside me that led me to the realization that I wanted to recover from my issues.

Then Dr. Backstreet Boy took over.  He got me to a place where I could function and get on with my daily life.  He moved onto a children’s fellowship at the hospital.  His goodbye letter is here.   Dr. Backstreet Boy left me in great hands with the “hard to nickname” Dr. Inception.

Now, a year has passed since I met Dr. Inception.  Her time is up.  Tomorrow is my last session with her before she begins her fellowship working with children (damn kids!) and hands me over to a new p-psychologist who is  tentatively nicknamed Dr. Kelsey Grammer.  Saying goodbye to Dr. Inception will be very hard because of how much she has helped me in terms of personal growth.  She has taken me to places where I am not comfortable.  I have said things to her that no one other than FullEclipse know about.  There are many more things to cover.  Time ran out!

Perhaps this is a hard goodbye because Dr. Inception, in a way, is an extension of Dr. Backstreet Boy.  I learned a few months ago that they are engaged.  I cannot picture a better couple!  Knowing that Dr. Backstreet Boy trusted Dr. Inception with my care just goes to say how great they both are.

So, how do I write a goodbye to Dr. Inception?  Well, let’s start out by setting up the mood.  Lately, the song “The One I Love” by R.E.M. has been in the back of my head.  No, it has nothing to do with Dr. Inception.  I just like the beat.  It makes me think that underneath it all, Dr. Inception is a great person to hang out with and can really be fun!

Here it goes….

Dr. Inception,

Writing has been a part of how we approach some of my sessions.  The words flow without any problems.  We work through my feelings.   Right now I don’t have the words to convey what is going inside my head.  It is the eve before our last session.  There is so much I want to say and I am stuck.  Saying “thank you” is so cliche because you deserve so much more than these words.

Yet…

…there is nothing I can say but thank you!

Thank you for always being there to guide me through my dark times.  You were there to push me to get over some of my big fears.  If it had not been for you saying, “what is stopping you from flying?,” I would still be stuck with that fear.

Thank you for getting inside my head to get me to see how life could be different.  Your nickname is dead on!

There is still a lot of work to do.  While you may not be there to see me through my journey, I know our sessions have put me on a better path.  Perhaps I will never accept me 100%.  But I can live with who I am.

I feel like I am losing one of the few people who cheer me on.  You want me to succeed.  You do not judge me.  The kids who will be under your care are very lucky to have you.  If your interactions with Paczki are a glimpse of what is to come, you will kick ass as a children’s psychiatrist.  These kids need help.  Having you by their side gives me hope that they will never have to face the stigma that comes with having a mental illness.

Thank you for those times where you let me rant.

Thank you for being there to let me know I am a good mom and human being.

Thank you for letting me grieve Fuego on my own terms.

But, most importantly, thank you for giving me a voice!

This voice will come out during my quest to find how to help those who do not have a voice.  The path that I will take is still unclear, but my mission is set.  Without your help, this voice would have been silenced.

I believe in destiny.  Part of me knows that if we had met under different circumstances, we would have been friends.  Life works in funny ways.  Our paths had to cross this way and I am thankful for that.

I wish you the best of luck.

Until we meet again,

>Funny things you see

 

Worst Blogger Ever

Seriously, there is so much going on in my head.  When I drive or interact with the world, subjects pop in in my head.  Yet, I can’t seem to find the time to sit down to write these thoughts down.  The worst part of it all is that I have some small breaks to blog even during my school time.  Maybe the fear of “sounding” stupid keeps me from putting my thoughts out there.  This fear should not prevent me from writing.  This blog is for therapeutic reasons as well as reaching out to others who may be going through the same issues.  Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, and WordPress are great tools.

I am going to try to be more present.  The Internet has provided me with a platform to express myself.

So, what is stopping me?

 

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