Letting Go of My Little Sidekick

K2 has been my faithful companion for almost five years.  Minus the two therapy trips in the recent years (a total of four night) and the hospital stay for the Ketus’ birth, he has never left my side.  Because the church in charge of Paczki’s preschool was absorbed by a larger congregation, the cost to send K2 was more than we could afford.  Our regular expenses, debts, and school loans did not leave any money to pay tuition plus the other mandatory expenses.  Don’t you just love Catholic schools?  We did not qualify for state programs.  The best solution was to keep K2 with me until he was able to attend Kindergarten.

I returned to work almost a year after I had K2.  So, for the past four years, he has been in the office with me.  As he grew older, he became an important fixture in the shop.  His toys are scattered all over the office.  Right now, his “job” is to go in the back to get my parents when I need them.  He is my little messenger.  K2 loves his job.  When I was pregnant with the Ketus, K2 helped me as much as he could.

I knew the time would come when he would have to go to school.  I was okay with it until it became a reality.  I thought I would have until August to get used to the idea of my little guy not being around me.  Well, life is funny.  The school he will attend offers a summer program.  At first, I wanted to keep my boy with me.  Then, he began to show signs that he was done with the office.  He gets bored and wants to be in the back of the shop.  This is not a good way to grow up.  FullEclipse and I enrolled him in summer camp.  K2 will have Paczki to keep him company.  This is a great thing for my boy.  There will be special field trips (freaking out about that!) and other activities which will prepare him for school.  Paczki had a leg up coming into the school since she knew basic stuff.  K2 has no had any training.  Add the complexity of the dual immersion program, and he will be behind.  The camp works with kids to get them ready.  It is a great opportunity for growth for him.

But it is happening too soon.  Camp begins on Monday.  My boy will be gone from 9:00 in the morning until 4:00 in the afternoon.  The reality has not sunk in yet.  I suppose it is a good thing that it happened now.  I will not have the whole summer to think about it.  Plus, the kids get bored with me in the office.

I do not know what is going to happen on Monday.  All I know is that letting go is so hard.  I will miss him with all of my heart.  The Ketus will too.  At least, I get to give my baby undivided attention.  Three kids require a lot of work.

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Worst Blogger Ever!

Last time I was here, I was about to enjoy time off before I had to take the last class for my major.  There was a post about a trip to Ohio and then this place went silent.  This was not my intention.  A lot of things have happened in a year.  When I wrote those posts, I was pregnant with the Ketus.  It was a rough pregnancy.  But, my wonderful little girl, was born healthy in October of 2015.  Being a mom to three kids is not easy.  In the middle of the pregnancy, I still had to function and complete school.  FullEclipse traveled for work during this time too.  It was a cluster fuck.

But I am back!

Back to rant.

Back to say what I need to say.

I hope I was missed.

>Bruised!!!

Travel Adventures

At the end of January, I decided to bite the bullet and book a trip somewhere.  As I had posted before, I was getting back to my old ways of anxiety.  I felt like I was going down a path that I did not like.

So, I looked around and decided to go to Ohio.

Well, you may be asking, “Why Ohio?”

The answer is simple.  For the past few years, I have been part of a secret group in Facebook.  We all come from different backgrounds, countries, and nationalities.  It is a fun hide away from the world.  We have a lot of things in common.  A few of the members had met before.  They all had a blast.  I wanted to get up to one of the get together for a while, but timing was always an issue.

The latest meeting (I like to call them symposium) was going to take place right after my Winter Semester.  I jumped at the opportunity and booked a trip.  I also made plans to share a room with a friend who was pregnant (this will be important to remember).

I consulted with Dr. Redemption (though his name will soon be changed).  I got my Xanax and off I went to Ohio.

The first part of the trip went well.  I got on the freeway with my dad (he is a big trigger for anxiety) and made it to the airport okay.  I boarded the plane with no anxiety.  Everything was going great until someone said, “is there a doctor on the plane?”  Someone was having medical problems.  I made it through that incident just fine.

Ohio was a fucking blast.  I had so much fun with everyone.  I felt accepted.  No one cared about my accent (OH MY GOD!  I have an accent).  It was nice to be with people who cursed and just loved to have fun.  Lots of drinks, cards for humanity, food, and snow.

My return flight, however, was a total bust.  I was scheduled to return on a Sunday morning.  I didn’t sleep on Saturday because the flight was going to leave early.  Getting a few hours of sleep made no sense.  Well, that was a bad call on my part.  My Xanax took forever to kick in.  I was tired.  The flight was going to be delayed until they could defrost the wings of the plane, the check line was busy and I thought I was going to miss the flight.  It was a cluster fuck of bad events.  I felt like an attack was coming.  I almost jumped out and said, “get me the fuck out of here.”

The one thing that kept me focused was my kids.  I had to get back to them no matter what…and I did!

I have to say, I feel like a failure for not getting things under control.  At this point, I do not think I made any progress with my anxiety.  In fact, I have this feeling that I went back a few steps.

I guess only time will tell…right?

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And His Name is Fred XVI

A few days after the passing of Kitty, FullEclipse and I began to talk about getting a new puppy to help Paczki deal with the loss.  Her way of coping was to ask for a small dog that could live longer than a boxer.  She had ideas on what to do to track the dog’s life, etc.  It was cute yet heartbreaking in a way.  I am happy that Paczki was able to deal with the loss in a logical manner. 

As much as I hated the idea of getting a new puppy, especially since I had not grieved Kitty, I knew it was the right thing to do for the K Family.  FullEclipse and I had talked before about which kind of dog we would after our Boxers died.  We settled for a Boston Terrier.  One of my best friends has a Boxer (one passed away) and two Bostons.  The personalities mesh really well.  Bostons are a smaller version of Boxers.  With Kona being an older dog, she needs a smaller dog to be able to keep up with the playing, etc.  We also wanted a boy because two Boxer girls are bound to fight.  Kona will only hurt herself since she is the dominant dog.

After many phone calls and ads, we found the perfect breeder.  She asked the right questions and had no problem answering ours.  You would be surprised to see how many backyard breeders pose as reputable/caring.  The breeder and I emailed each other often.  She sent us pictures.  There was a guy who stood out right away.  He was the bigger puppy of the picture.  A cute brindle boy.  I always want a solid color dog, but life sends me brindled dogs!  We made plans to visit the breeder.  My issue was the travel.  At 50 miles away from home, the idea of making a few trips out there seemed so daunting.  On a Saturday morning, we got the kids.  Paczki whined because she wanted to stay home.  Once she realized where we were going, things got much better.

So, we met our guy.  I had a name picked out but it didn’t seem right.  The breeder had an Ethel, Lucy (loved her!), and Fred.  I looked at the puppy.  He looked like a Fred to me.  The name stuck.  It is a great name.  When we registered him for the AKC, he was given the name Fred  XVI – fancy! 

Here is a picture of the day we brought Sir Fred Stink Eye K XVI home:

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He was smaller than Kona’s tongue.

Fred is getting used to being around us.  One of his ears is goofy.  We decided not to tape it as it was suggested.  That only makes him more unique.  The tie adds to his personality.

I miss Kitty like crazy, but I know he is finally at rest.

Fred has helped a lot.

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First Grade for My First Born

Today Paczki started first grade.

As much as this summer sucked for all of us in terms of spending too much time together in close quarters, it was sad to see my first kid go back to school.  Long gone is the shy little girl who was hesitant about going to school.  FullEclipse, K2, and I dropped her off and waiting until Packzi walked to her classroom.  We will pick her up as well.  This is a tradition I hope to keep for many years. 

It is very surprising to see how much time has passed.  If there is a regret to have, is the fact that I did not hold Paczki as much as I should have when she was a baby.  But I am making it up with lots of kisses and silly games. 

Can we slow time down?  Paczki keeps growing and growing.  Pretty soon, My Little Pony will give way to something else.  My baby needs to enjoy her childhood.  Who needs homework at 6 1/2?  Right?

Today Paczki gets her favorite meal as a way to start the new school year.  One of many many many meals to come with our kids.

Despite of the fact that FullEclipse lost his job, I cannot be bitter.  Money comes and goes, but our family stays the same.  I am truly blessed even if at times I lose hope. 

Enjoy your day love of my life.  You will kick major ass in First Grade!

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A Setback In Life

FullEclipse lost his job last Thursday.  Because of what might happen next with his union, I can’t really go into specifics.  Even if I could, I wouldn’t do it.  Let’s just say it was an underhanded move.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were hectic.  My mind  went into worst case scenario thinking.  Part of it is true.  We are losing our health insurance along with a nice pay.  My worry is and will always be my mental health.  So much work has gone into making me somewhat normal.  Today I went into Dr. Absolution’s office with the idea of weaning off my medications.  Thankfully, I can go see him once a month as a cash patient.  Crisis averted.

The question is, where to go from here?  Obviously, FullEclipse is looking for a new job.  He is not sitting down waiting for things to happen even if the lay off made him really upset.  He wants to move on.

This setback will drain our savings account.  Let’s hope we have enough to get us through the rough patch.  We are lucky because we don’t pay rent.

I don’t know what the next month will be like, especially with K2 and my birthday coming up.  The trip in December is now on hold even though the tickets are paid.  So much is up in the air.  I hate not being in control.

One thing is for sure, we are “Ks” and we will get through it.

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Of Mice and Kitty

The subject line would be so perfect for a good Fuego story.  Too bad this post is a sad one. 

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On Saturday, after running errands for a soon to be member of the family, we picked Fuego’s ashes from the veterinarian.  The ashes were ready to pick up last Wednesday.  I wanted to go alone to do this for my Fuego.  Because of the time I got home, I did not find a chance in my schedule.  Sad! 

But I could no longer wait any longer.  Kitty needed to come home to me.  Since my grieving process has been out of its norm, I did not know what to expect.  Part of me knew I would cry.  I just did not know how things would play out.  As we drove closer to the office, I could feel the sadness.  I walked into the office alone.  They handed me a nice baggie.

I sat in the car.  When I opened the bag, I saw his ashes and a paw print.  On the way home, I lost it.  Everything that I held inside came out in sobs.  The kids and FullEclipse sat quietly.  It was a very somber drive. 

Today, as I drove to work, I felt the same sadness take over.

The truth is, I miss kitty.  He is ashes and nothing more.  I want to believe all dogs go to heaven.

I really do.

I miss him so much. 

Oh kitty. 

 

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Worst Blogger Ever

Seriously, there is so much going on in my head.  When I drive or interact with the world, subjects pop in in my head.  Yet, I can’t seem to find the time to sit down to write these thoughts down.  The worst part of it all is that I have some small breaks to blog even during my school time.  Maybe the fear of “sounding” stupid keeps me from putting my thoughts out there.  This fear should not prevent me from writing.  This blog is for therapeutic reasons as well as reaching out to others who may be going through the same issues.  Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, and WordPress are great tools.

I am going to try to be more present.  The Internet has provided me with a platform to express myself.

So, what is stopping me?

 

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Semi New Tattoo

Right before I took another giant step towards my anxiety recovery, I received news that someone from my past was doing something to harm my family’s well being.  Because things have to been resolved, I am not going to get into any details.  At least, not yet.

Anyway, the family was set to take a trip outside of the country on Thursday March 27th.  That Monday was just a regular day until we got the news.  I had anxiety and lots of anger.  For a moment, I thought about postponing the trip.  But that person had a stronghold on me for many years.  The abuse and self esteem hits I took from this person came back.

Thanks to my FullEclipse, family, and Dr. Inception, I decided to say FUCK YOU and go on the trip.  However, I needed a distraction.  So I got this:

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This tattoo had been in the works for a while.  It is a Kabbalah symbol to guard off anxiety.  It is supposed to help with mental healing.  It was just what I needed at the time.  The pain was a what I needed to forget life.

The tattoo is located right below my right wrist.  It is bigger than I thought it would be.  I am so happy with the result.  Three more tattoos and I will be done!

In the end, I forgot about the asshole.  I took the bull by the horns and took my trip.

Kudos to me!

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Germs…germs…and Marriage

I have said it over and over that even I am getting sick of hearing it.

But I love FullEclipse.

However, I do not love it when he gets sick and shares the germs with the rest of the family.  Sharing is caring.  Sharing germs is just a douche move 🙂

FullEclipse did not intentionally give us his cold.  Actually, it was the flu along with some sort of infection.  For the most part, he tried to stay away from us.  But, because of our close quarters, I ended up getting sick.  K2 soon followed.  Last week was just miserable.  Between the chills, the fever, and the crying (all from me), I had to make sure Paczki was in school and K2 was comfortable enough to rest.  We had some long nights.  FullEclipse helped a great deal at night.

Things are coming slowly back to normal.  K2 is fully recovered.  I am still very tired.  My tonsils are swollen.  Swallowing hurts and I am coughing half a lung at night.  Not a pretty sight at all!

What annoys me is that I had a plan to work out.  My start day was last Monday.  It didn’t happen since I was sick as a dog.  Today, it is not looking good either.  FullEclipse tells me it will take about two weeks to feel normal.  Bleh!  At least there is an end in sight even if the end looks like a treadmill.  Bleh again!!

On a positive note, the laundry is folded and put away.  My schoolwork for last week was submitted just in time to start the new school week.  Paczki is on vacation so no crazy driving!

Life…so simple at times!

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