I Quit My Class

After a lot of bitching about my class in my last post, I could not take it anymore.  I dropped the class.  The good news is that my graduation date will not change.  The difference is that my time off will not be from the end of September until Thanksgiving like I originally planned.

So, why did I quit?  The first three days of class were rough. With the kids in the office with me, I had little time to read the material.  My tempter with my little imps was short.  They do not deserve this kind of stress.  Also, the first essay proved to be more difficult than I thought.  Even though I had an idea on where I wanted it to go, I just could not find the words.

To be honest, I feel no relief after quitting the class.  Sure, it is nice to have until the end of August off.  However, part of me hates feeling like a quitter.  At least I know how to prepare myself for the next time this class comes around.  I might postpone it until the end.  I have to figure it out because of the way Financial Aide works.  I borrowed too much this time around because I thought I would need more money to cover the extra 3 units.

Oh well…it is what it is….

Now if I could only get rid of the last two level 300 classes, I would feel better.

Wish me luck with the rest of my summer.  Perhaps it is not too late to learn a programming language.

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For Dr. Inception – Time to Say Goodbye

First I fired “Dr. Smokes a lot” – not a big loss.

Dr. How I Met Your Mother left after a month of seeing me because her residency year was up.  That was tough, but she planted a tiny seed inside me that led me to the realization that I wanted to recover from my issues.

Then Dr. Backstreet Boy took over.  He got me to a place where I could function and get on with my daily life.  He moved onto a children’s fellowship at the hospital.  His goodbye letter is here.   Dr. Backstreet Boy left me in great hands with the “hard to nickname” Dr. Inception.

Now, a year has passed since I met Dr. Inception.  Her time is up.  Tomorrow is my last session with her before she begins her fellowship working with children (damn kids!) and hands me over to a new p-psychologist who is  tentatively nicknamed Dr. Kelsey Grammer.  Saying goodbye to Dr. Inception will be very hard because of how much she has helped me in terms of personal growth.  She has taken me to places where I am not comfortable.  I have said things to her that no one other than FullEclipse know about.  There are many more things to cover.  Time ran out!

Perhaps this is a hard goodbye because Dr. Inception, in a way, is an extension of Dr. Backstreet Boy.  I learned a few months ago that they are engaged.  I cannot picture a better couple!  Knowing that Dr. Backstreet Boy trusted Dr. Inception with my care just goes to say how great they both are.

So, how do I write a goodbye to Dr. Inception?  Well, let’s start out by setting up the mood.  Lately, the song “The One I Love” by R.E.M. has been in the back of my head.  No, it has nothing to do with Dr. Inception.  I just like the beat.  It makes me think that underneath it all, Dr. Inception is a great person to hang out with and can really be fun!

Here it goes….

Dr. Inception,

Writing has been a part of how we approach some of my sessions.  The words flow without any problems.  We work through my feelings.   Right now I don’t have the words to convey what is going inside my head.  It is the eve before our last session.  There is so much I want to say and I am stuck.  Saying “thank you” is so cliche because you deserve so much more than these words.

Yet…

…there is nothing I can say but thank you!

Thank you for always being there to guide me through my dark times.  You were there to push me to get over some of my big fears.  If it had not been for you saying, “what is stopping you from flying?,” I would still be stuck with that fear.

Thank you for getting inside my head to get me to see how life could be different.  Your nickname is dead on!

There is still a lot of work to do.  While you may not be there to see me through my journey, I know our sessions have put me on a better path.  Perhaps I will never accept me 100%.  But I can live with who I am.

I feel like I am losing one of the few people who cheer me on.  You want me to succeed.  You do not judge me.  The kids who will be under your care are very lucky to have you.  If your interactions with Paczki are a glimpse of what is to come, you will kick ass as a children’s psychiatrist.  These kids need help.  Having you by their side gives me hope that they will never have to face the stigma that comes with having a mental illness.

Thank you for those times where you let me rant.

Thank you for being there to let me know I am a good mom and human being.

Thank you for letting me grieve Fuego on my own terms.

But, most importantly, thank you for giving me a voice!

This voice will come out during my quest to find how to help those who do not have a voice.  The path that I will take is still unclear, but my mission is set.  Without your help, this voice would have been silenced.

I believe in destiny.  Part of me knows that if we had met under different circumstances, we would have been friends.  Life works in funny ways.  Our paths had to cross this way and I am thankful for that.

I wish you the best of luck.

Until we meet again,

>Funny things you see

 

Worst Blogger Ever

Seriously, there is so much going on in my head.  When I drive or interact with the world, subjects pop in in my head.  Yet, I can’t seem to find the time to sit down to write these thoughts down.  The worst part of it all is that I have some small breaks to blog even during my school time.  Maybe the fear of “sounding” stupid keeps me from putting my thoughts out there.  This fear should not prevent me from writing.  This blog is for therapeutic reasons as well as reaching out to others who may be going through the same issues.  Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, and WordPress are great tools.

I am going to try to be more present.  The Internet has provided me with a platform to express myself.

So, what is stopping me?

 

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Semi New Tattoo

Right before I took another giant step towards my anxiety recovery, I received news that someone from my past was doing something to harm my family’s well being.  Because things have to been resolved, I am not going to get into any details.  At least, not yet.

Anyway, the family was set to take a trip outside of the country on Thursday March 27th.  That Monday was just a regular day until we got the news.  I had anxiety and lots of anger.  For a moment, I thought about postponing the trip.  But that person had a stronghold on me for many years.  The abuse and self esteem hits I took from this person came back.

Thanks to my FullEclipse, family, and Dr. Inception, I decided to say FUCK YOU and go on the trip.  However, I needed a distraction.  So I got this:

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This tattoo had been in the works for a while.  It is a Kabbalah symbol to guard off anxiety.  It is supposed to help with mental healing.  It was just what I needed at the time.  The pain was a what I needed to forget life.

The tattoo is located right below my right wrist.  It is bigger than I thought it would be.  I am so happy with the result.  Three more tattoos and I will be done!

In the end, I forgot about the asshole.  I took the bull by the horns and took my trip.

Kudos to me!

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Self Esteem Issues

I know I have mentioned this before, but I truly have a fucked view of myself.  I do not like how I look.  I have gained most of the weight I lost nine years ago.  The weight I lost nine months ago is coming back.

Meanwhile, I compare myself to people from my past who have lost weight.  I feel like crap because what I see in the mirror is an image of ugly.

This leaves me into a tailspin of hatred and doubt.  I end up eating and hating myself for stuffing myself.

I am miserable because I cannot accept me for who I am.

FullEclipse tells me he loves me no matter what.  But it is hard to believe when you are your own worst enemy.

Typing this is so painful because people from my past read this blog.  I know they are loving my misery.  But I say this to them, FUCK YOU.  If you knew half of the stuff I have to endured, you would see things very differently.

Right now I feel like I am in a crossroads.  I can turn it around.  I want to feel great about myself.

I am just at a loss on how to start.  Every time I have a start date, something happens.

Slow steps.

Slow and steady got me through.

My doctors are there to help me.

My husband is there to help me.

The rest of the world can suck it if they hate me!

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Having a Cold Sucks

There is so much to talk about.  I just don’t know why I go into hiding.  I enjoy blogging.  Maybe it is because I feel like my writing is not good enough.  Then again, I do it for the therapy and not the writing accolades.

The kids gave me a cold.  I swear children’s germs can bring down a country!  It is a small cold but it bothers me.  For as long as I can remember, colds were one of my least favorite things in the world.  Let’s hope it goes away soon!

Right now, I should be doing homework.  This semester feels so bleh.  There was a major shitty incident that I cannot talk about yet that put me into yet another funk.  But I decided that once things are settled, I will jus open up more and talk about stuff that happened in my first marriage.  I have been far too nice.  It is time for me to just let it all go into cyberspace.

So, if you are one of my ex-in-laws, be ready to read things you might not like.  Why you still have an interest in me is puzzling.  Just let me go or contact me if you have any questions.  Let me be.

Bye for now!

A history of Operating Systems awaits me.  How can I make that paper interesting?

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Queen Ink

I finally got one of my bucket items sort of crossed off!

After many years of going back and forth, I got the courage to get a tattoo.  I did not want to get something for the hell of it.  This tattoo needed to have some meaning, especially with my anxiety.  Thanks to Pinterest and a few friends who know Hebrew, my head was filled with ideas.  Dr. Inception knew about this idea.  She liked it.

There is a tattoo parlor near my work.  I drive by it every now and then.  Google and Yelp gave it great reviews.  I called and the vibe was great.  One of the artist would have  a few hours to kill since he had a cancelled appointment.   My idea was to go at around one while K2 napped and Paczki was at work (no school for her today).  Well, the day dragged on.  It was so busy.  At around 3:30, I knew I couldn’t make it since my parents had other things to do.  As luck would have it (thanks to K2), my parents were able to take the kids and still run their errands.  It worked out great.  Once again, thank you K2!

Without much thought, I got into my car, put on the Wicked Soundtrack, and drove to the tattoo shop.  I was very nervous.  The last thing I wanted was an anxiety attack.  My mind kept going on about how I could never make it to Chicago…that my body would not even let me get on an airplane…that I was an failure.  Nevertheless, I made it to the place.  It was a clean place with a great vibe.  After a few minutes, the girl at the front desk introduced me to Mr. M (new nickname).  He asked me some questions and gave me the price.  I said, “go for it!” I almost got a second tattoo, but Mr. M wanted me to try one out first.  I waited for what seemed forever.  Once he put the “sticker/outline” on my right wrist, I knew this would be great.

I sat down with Mr. M.  He began to work.  I won’t lie, it was painful.  It wasn’t as bad as I expected on most areas.  The most painful places are the areas where there is no skin.  The whole thing took about ten minutes.  Mr. M was great for conversation.  I searched for the tattoo parlor on Facebook.  It turns out, I got my tattoo done by one of the best artists.

Here is a picture of the tattoo.  It will look better once it heals:

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The meaning is this:

“It is a reminder of who I am. The semi colon means that I choose to continue to live despite my anxiety and fucked up issues. I do not end in a period.   I move on!  The drawing is the chemical serotonin.  It is related to anxiety and depression.  So, the meaning is that I choose to continue and that all I need to be calm is already in me (serotonin).”

I am hooked!  I loved the experience.  There are plans for at least another tattoo with some Hebrew letters.  It will also have some deep meaning.  If all goes well, three more tattoos will follow.

I am on a fucking high!!!

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I Bit the Fucking Bullet….

….and booked a trip to Chicago!

Yes, I put it on credit and it sucked!

When are FullEclipse and I going to be debt free?

But, it is time for me to conquer one of my biggest fears.  This is the “Madre de Dios” or Mother of God challenge.  Dr. Inception has been encouraging me to finally face my anxiety…to grab my fears by the balls.  She has confidence on my abilities to overcome my panic attacks.  As far as conquering fears go, this is the one thing on my list.  Dr. Backstreet Boy got me to drive on the freeway with the family.  We didn’t have a chance to make it on the airplane.  It is time even if I don’t feel ready.  I can’t let my progress stall.  It has been seven years since I flew.  And you know what really makes my blood boil?  I loved airplanes.  The taking off…the feeling of being free.  At one point, I wanted to take a job where I could travel often.

So, in about three and a half weeks, I will be boarding a plane to go back home.  Yes, Chicago feels like home.  The city is like the one great love that was never meant to be.  Traveling alone is sad because FullEclipse, Packzi and K2 are going to stay home.  It cannot be Chicago without my soul mate and our evil imps!  Dr. Inception and I think that traveling alone is good for the first time back on an airplane  My anxiety will not be in high gear.  I don’t need the aggravation combined with how I feel about my weight to drag me down.

I WILL STILL MISS MY FAMILY

But it is time.

And on that note, here is another fear I have to conquer – traveling with the whole family.  In the next two months, there is a trip overseas with everyone.

When I go, I go big even if I fall from really high.

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Procastinating 101

Holy shit!

I turn around and almost a month passes by without a post.  What do I do with my time?  I was on such a good streak about my Thankful For Posts.  Now, the time has passed.  Maybe I will write them all out in one post.

To be honest, the last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of shit piling on top of everything that could possibly be bad in my life.  I am siting here trying to take it all in.

I have so much to write about.  It will be better to list it!  Here is goes.  This guide should help me to keep focused:

  1. My week of anger
  2. Paczki being part of the 20/10/5
  3. The person who is my personal hell and is also part of 20/10/5
  4. Being sick with a stomach bug
  5. Crying as I puked my brains out due to said bug
  6. Sadness
  7. The death of a teenager
  8. My Bucket List
  9. My funeral
  10. The accident that could have been bad
  11. School and how shaken I am about it

I hope this helps.  I have enough time to finish it all.

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