Worst Blogger Ever!

Last time I was here, I was about to enjoy time off before I had to take the last class for my major.  There was a post about a trip to Ohio and then this place went silent.  This was not my intention.  A lot of things have happened in a year.  When I wrote those posts, I was pregnant with the Ketus.  It was a rough pregnancy.  But, my wonderful little girl, was born healthy in October of 2015.  Being a mom to three kids is not easy.  In the middle of the pregnancy, I still had to function and complete school.  FullEclipse traveled for work during this time too.  It was a cluster fuck.

But I am back!

Back to rant.

Back to say what I need to say.

I hope I was missed.

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August 27, 2011

The house is quiet.

No crying, screaming, or whining.

Just silence!

This is the perfect time to post!

KittyKatt is (or should it be are?) playing outside.  I am enjoying a nice cup of decaf coffee while K2 is asleep (finally!) on the swing recovering from a cold.  It was a rough night, but let’s hope the worse is over.  It sucks to see your children be sick.  FullEclipse calms me.  He tells me that it will okay, that it all is part of growing up.  I am trying not to freak out.  If all goes well with the cold, the family will be celebrating Packzi’s birthday tomorrow with a Princess breakfast at my least favorite place in the world: Disneyland.  She has been looking forward to this breakfast for a month now.  I cannot wait to see her reaction.

This post was supposed to have been posted on the day K2 was born.  Better late than never!

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August 27, 2011

Today, just eleven minutes after midnight, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  He was named after a Twilight character and someone from the show J.A.G.

K2 came into the world weighing 9.4 lbs. and measuring 20 inches long.  Just like his sister, this little guy decided to come into world on his own terms and whenever he wanted.  K2 did not want to wait until Tuesday, August 30th to come out.

I began laboring on Thursday the 25th.  FullEclipse and I had returned from another OBGYN/ER visit at the hospital when my contractions began just after 11:00 p.m.  After trying to be brave all day Friday, I went to the hospital at night.  It was then that the doctors told me that I was dilated three centimeters.  The c-section needed to happen as soon as possible.  I went into freak out mode.

What about my panic attacks on the operating table? – I got medicated!

What about Paczki? – She was fine and happy to be a big sister.

Is K2 okay? – He was fine.

The whole procedure is a blur.  The anti-anxiety medication has made some things hard to remember.

But I remember his cry.

I remember my husband.  There is no other time where I feel more in love and connected to him.  Nothing brings us closer together than hearing our kids first cries.  At that moment, nothing else matters.

I remember how my heart grew.

I remember crying.

It was a crazy pregnancy full of emotions, doubts, and a sense that I could not bring K2 into the world safe.

We made it.

Everyone is tired.

If I could summarize this experience with one song, “Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles says it all.

Here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo)
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been clear
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right
It’s all right

 

Everything Is Great!!

Yay!!

I am finally catching my breath after ten weeks of craziness.  It all began with the Thursday that I went into labor followed by an “emergency” c-section, a new baby, not a lot of sleep, family from out of town, FullEclipse and Paczki getting sick, three ER visits (two for me, one for FullEclipse), doctor’s appointments, tons of anxiety attacks, Paczki getting adjusted to a new baby, lots of bonding with K2, etc!

I have a lot to post about.  The first few entries will be pregnancy and delivery related because I want to keep a record of what went on so my little one can read it one day.

In the meantime, thank you for all the comments 🙂

I am fine and so is the family.

 

 

Ready to Go

After more than two weeks of talking about it, I finally have my overnight bag packed.  I have other items to go with it: my camera, iPod to listen to music in the OR should Dr. V allow me to have it, and my Acer Tablet.

At first glance, I got it all ready!

But, life has other plans.

When I went to the hospital last night, I forgot to take everything except for the tablet.

I was not allowed to stay in the hospital even though I was contracting so it would have been a waste of energy to haul it all around.

I am sore from all the pelvic examinations.

I am tired because I haven’t slept.

I am in pain.

I am home alone with Paczki.  However, she is in bed with me.  That makes it better even if I cannot show that I feel pain.

Is it time for FullEclipse to come home?

 

Hello Zoloft My Old Friend…

…I’ve come to talk to you again.

Great, not this song will be stuck in my head for a while!

Last Friday I met with two psychiatrists.   Why two?  The hospital where I go to get my medical care is a teaching hospital.  Chances are, an intern will be there to help the attending physician.  Normally, I do not have a problem with this arrangement because people have to learn somehow.  They can do whatever to my body.  Yet, when it comes to my mental health, I want the real thing!!

Oh well…after a long conversation about my anxiety, my fears, and how I am not going out at all, the doctors recommended I go back on Zoloft.  They want me to wait until K2 is born if possible.  However, if I need to start taking it before, they are okay with it because it is supposed to be safe for the baby this late in the pregnancy.  I am not taking Zoloft until after the baby is born just to be on the safe side.  I could consult with Dr. Dracula, but my weekly appointment on Thursday was rescheduled (translation: I changed it)  for the day before the c-section.  I can wait a few more days.  Also, the doctors think that there might be a slight chance that my anxiety will decrease one K2 is here.  I really hope so.  With Paczki, I had no anxiety.  It was after she was born when I began having panic attacks.  Part of it was the fact that FullEclipse and I were adapting to our new roles.  I kept a lot of what I felt inside and that is how I ended up with in so much trouble.

I have said many times that I hate the thought of being medicated.  I hated the side effects.  The doctors understand me.  They know how much weight I gained on Zoloft.  They know that I want to breastfeed K2.  Right now, I am priority number one and I need to get a grip on my health.  This is what the doctors said.  Therapy will help me, but it take a while to work.  The best course of action is medication with therapy until I get better.

I feel upset because I might not be able to breastfeed K2.  At least I want to have the option to do so.  Even though Zoloft is the safest medication out there, it can still get into the breast milk.

Thankfully, my husbands Godmother/Aunt is the head of pediatrics and infections diseases (yeah, she is well-educated) and she is going to look into research on Zoloft and breastfeeding.  All my in-laws kick major ass!!  The decision to breastfeed will be mine in the end.  It is just nice to know all of my options.

In the meantime, I am sitting here waiting for the next therapist appointment (tomorrow!) and thinking of what to do.

One Week & K2 Will Be Here!

Wow…

I cannot believe than in a week, I will be holding my newborn.

It is so surreal.

For the most part, this pregnancy has gone by fast, unlike the one I had with Packzi.

This past few weeks have been a mix of desperation, high emotions, crying, and fear!!

At this point, I just want this baby here.  I feel like I am running a marathon and have no energy left.

I am so so done.

I bet I will be wishing different once K2 is here.

There is so much to blog about, but my energy level is low.

I need a good nap.

I need to relax.

I need to hold my K2

 

Asking for Help Is Hard & Yes I am That Sick!

Yesterday was a pivotal moment in my anxiety saga because I was finally able to see a therapist to try to cope with how I have been feeling for the past year.  My hope is that I will find the right treatment for my disorder before it drags me down completely.

For a long time, I have been very reluctant to seek help.  I had a psychologist before, but due to the economic situation I found myself in, I had to cancel my sessions.  I did not feel bad when I stopped seeing the doctor because I have always thought that I could beat this disorder on my own.  Even when I was medicated, my goal was to completely be free from drugs.  The side effects sucked – hello 40 lbs gain!  I also hated being dependent upon medication to feel whole.  I have my emergency anti anxiety pill and I hate taking it!

As this pregnancy progressed, I noticed that my anxiety levels kept increasing.  I have read that anxiety goes up when you are pregnant.  I figured that once K2 was born, things would get better.  One of the things FullEclipse had suggested is that perhaps seeing a doctor after K2’s birth would be a good idea.  I agreed even if the idea of seeing someone bothered me.

However, as the due date approaches, I find myself having more and more episodes.  My biggest fear is having an attack on the operating table during the c-section.  That is the last thing I want.  Going to places with my mom or dad triggers my anxiety even more.  I cannot be stuck in this house anymore.  I want to go out without fear and enjoy life.  I finally had enough!  I made an appointment to see a therapist.  I figured that if he would see me once or twice before the birth, I would gain some insight into my condition and be two sessions into recovery.

I swallowed my pride and off to the therapist I went.  It is so nice to have the hospital nearby my house.  I can deliver K2 and see a therapist.  Very very cool!

After a long talk, the therapist recommended that I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist at the same time.

I guess my condition is worst than I thought.

We talked about my childhood, first marriage, my divorce , work, the loss of my house, my family, the economy, the pressures to be perfect, etc.  A lot of these factors seem to influence my mood and the anxiety.

My therapist knows that I do not wish to be medicated at all.  I want to be drug free.  I also want to breastfeed K2 and have more children.  Medication will make these two dreams very hard to achieve.  But, he still wants me to follow through with his recommendations.  He will share with my psychiatrist what we talked about as well as my desire not to take any medication.

Based on what we talked about, I have a feeling that the doctors will put me on disability for a while.  Once again, this is my feeling.  There is just so much going on and with all the changes, things will get rough.  Work will be the last thing I need because it will add more stress to my psyche.

Who knows what will happen?  One thing is for sure, I am glad I took the first step even if it kills me to admit that I need help.

The First Answer Is Always The Right One

Do you remember taking tests when you were in school?

Didn’t it always seem that, whenever you changed your answer, the first choice was the right one?  One would think people would learn this lesson, especially those people in the medical field!

When I first discovered I was pregnant with K2, I knew my due date would be 9/4/11.  I used every tool I had in order to make sure I had the right dates.  My first doctor, Dr. G said K2 would be born on 8/31.  The first ultrasound said 9/4/11.  Every other ultrasound since then has said 8/31/11.  Somehow, I was not too thrilled with the change of due date.

After a long two months of going back and forth with my insurance (long story that deserves its own post), I was able to change to Dr. V. AKA Dr. Dracula.  I have seen him three times.  In my first visit, he had tentatively scheduled my c-section for 8/24/11.  On my second visit, we reviewed the data and guess what?  I WAS RIGHT!  My due date is 9/4/11.  Dr. Dracula told me that doctors always go by the results of the first ultrasound.

At first I was elated.  I do not want anything bad to happen to K2.  A week is a long time when you are pregnant.  So much happens.

Then it hit me!!  I would be pregnant for an EXTRA week.  I am so ready and done this time.  Do not get me wrong, I love being pregnant.  Most of this pregnancy has been fantastic, but my body cannot handle it anymore.  I am tired, swollen, super huge, short of breath, etc.

I am done.

Yet, I know I will miss my belly.  I love feeling my little nudger.  It is our time alone.  This is when K2 is all mine.

Anyway, the lesson that I learned is to always ask questions.  Doctors might not like it, but it is so important to know what is going on with your body or child.

 

E.R. for K2 – All Is Fine

FullEclipse and I just came back from the emergency room.  Well, the Labor and Delivery E.R.

We are fine which is the important thing!

I had some issues with K2 this morning.  I did not worry about what was going on.  For someone who worries about every little thing, my anxiety did not kick in.  I had a feeling that things were fine.  I had been monitoring my situation all day long and things did not get worse.  I did not see the need to speak to my doctor unless I had a real emergency.

FullEclipse was so upset when I told him what was happening that he made me call Dr. Dracula (not his real name!) to tell him what was wrong with me.  I did it to appease him.  Mommies know when things are not okay in the pregnancy.  Honestly, I felt stupid making the phone call.  The attending physician (Dr. S) in my doctor’s office had me to the E.R. to make sure the baby was fine.  Just as we were getting to the E.R., Dr. S had made the call to alert them of my arrival.  That was very nice of her.

Going to the E.R. was so surreal.

What if my instincts were wrong and K2 was in danger?

I was feeling fine until I got into the elevators and into the delivery area.  I had seen this part of the hospital before because I took a maternity tour a week ago.  But the gravity of my situation did not sink in until I was sitting waiting for someone to take me into the back.  I almost had an anxiety attack.  Seriously, the walls of this place were closing in on me!

The attending nurse and doctor were great.  Even the students were fun.  They made me feel at ease about my situation.

Anyway, after twenty minutes of monitoring the baby, two students (this is a teaching hospital) and two very painful pelvic examinations later, I was free to home.

I feel fine now.

FullEclipse…not so much.  He took a couple of scratches when he held my hand during the examinations.  He is such a trooper.

Right now, I better take it easy.  I want K2 to cook for a little longer.

I am just glad that he is okay.

I also need to get my overnight bag and other items ready should this baby want to come early.  There is so much to do.  I have family coming over for the birth so if K2 decides to come before the due date, my family will not be able to get here in time.

But those are things we can worry about tomorrow.

The only thing that sucked was the fact that Paczki did not get her half-yearly cupcake.  I celebrate her half birthday.  I guess we will do it tomorrow!

This One Is For My Husband

In a few weeks, FullEclipse and I will have a new addition to the family.

Lately, everything in our lives has been about K2, Paczki, and how things will be different.

I know that once K2 arrives, FullEclipse and I will have our hands full.   It will be very hard to get time alone.  We are not worried because we love each other.

Yet, it is always nice to let your spouse know how you feel.  While FullEclipse and I have our love song, I have something else that conveys how I feel about my husband.  I am not a romantic person, but this song holds a special meaning.

Look it up on youtube.com  It is by Alanis Morissette, one of my favorite artists.

*lyrics are courtesy of azlyrics.com

“Everything”

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you’ve ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you’ve connected.
I have the bravest heart that you’ve ever seen
And you’ve never met anyone
Who’s as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I’m terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I’m the funniest woman that you’ve ever known
I’m the dullest woman that you’ve ever known
I’m the most gorgeous woman that you’ve ever known
And you’ve never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything (you see everything), you see every part (you see every part )
You see all my light (you see all my light) and you love my dark (and you love my dark )
You dig everything (you dig everything) of which I’m ashamed (of which I’m ashamed)
There’s not anything (there’s not anything) to which you can’t relate (to which you can’t relate)
And you’re still here”

Baby, no matter what happens, I love you.