This Picture Says It All – Dogs!


I took this picture yesterday afternoon.

A few things come to mind.

First, the dogs look like they are about to get into a lot of trouble.  Fred will pounce at a moment’s notice.  Second, Kona is a cool dog.  With Fuego’s (Kitty) death, my love for Kona grew.  I finally saw her for who she truly is.  Finally, I get to see why Bostons get along with Boxers so well.  Despite of their small size (about a third of a Boxer when fully grown), they put up with the Boxers style of playing.  Bostons can take Boxers on.  It is so cute to see.  Fred growls and sounds like Kona when he plays.  It took a while for Fred to understand that Kona was trying not to kill him when she growled so loudly.

But, perhaps, the biggest thing from this picture is what the dogs have taught me – coping with your disabilities to make the best of your situation.  Kona has a bad back.  It is riddled with arthritis.  Getting up is a challenge.  To a little puppy like Fred, Kona is just another dog.  Kona could not keep up with the playing.  So she lays down and they play together.  Just two dogs (minus the running around).  There is no pain for Kona.  Fred doesn’t judge like humans do.  The dogs make the most of their play time.  It is so nice to see Kona enjoy Fred.

If only we could learn to be more like dogs.



And His Name is Fred XVI

A few days after the passing of Kitty, FullEclipse and I began to talk about getting a new puppy to help Paczki deal with the loss.  Her way of coping was to ask for a small dog that could live longer than a boxer.  She had ideas on what to do to track the dog’s life, etc.  It was cute yet heartbreaking in a way.  I am happy that Paczki was able to deal with the loss in a logical manner. 

As much as I hated the idea of getting a new puppy, especially since I had not grieved Kitty, I knew it was the right thing to do for the K Family.  FullEclipse and I had talked before about which kind of dog we would after our Boxers died.  We settled for a Boston Terrier.  One of my best friends has a Boxer (one passed away) and two Bostons.  The personalities mesh really well.  Bostons are a smaller version of Boxers.  With Kona being an older dog, she needs a smaller dog to be able to keep up with the playing, etc.  We also wanted a boy because two Boxer girls are bound to fight.  Kona will only hurt herself since she is the dominant dog.

After many phone calls and ads, we found the perfect breeder.  She asked the right questions and had no problem answering ours.  You would be surprised to see how many backyard breeders pose as reputable/caring.  The breeder and I emailed each other often.  She sent us pictures.  There was a guy who stood out right away.  He was the bigger puppy of the picture.  A cute brindle boy.  I always want a solid color dog, but life sends me brindled dogs!  We made plans to visit the breeder.  My issue was the travel.  At 50 miles away from home, the idea of making a few trips out there seemed so daunting.  On a Saturday morning, we got the kids.  Paczki whined because she wanted to stay home.  Once she realized where we were going, things got much better.

So, we met our guy.  I had a name picked out but it didn’t seem right.  The breeder had an Ethel, Lucy (loved her!), and Fred.  I looked at the puppy.  He looked like a Fred to me.  The name stuck.  It is a great name.  When we registered him for the AKC, he was given the name Fred  XVI – fancy! 

Here is a picture of the day we brought Sir Fred Stink Eye K XVI home:


He was smaller than Kona’s tongue.

Fred is getting used to being around us.  One of his ears is goofy.  We decided not to tape it as it was suggested.  That only makes him more unique.  The tie adds to his personality.

I miss Kitty like crazy, but I know he is finally at rest.

Fred has helped a lot.


Of Mice and Kitty

The subject line would be so perfect for a good Fuego story.  Too bad this post is a sad one. 


On Saturday, after running errands for a soon to be member of the family, we picked Fuego’s ashes from the veterinarian.  The ashes were ready to pick up last Wednesday.  I wanted to go alone to do this for my Fuego.  Because of the time I got home, I did not find a chance in my schedule.  Sad! 

But I could no longer wait any longer.  Kitty needed to come home to me.  Since my grieving process has been out of its norm, I did not know what to expect.  Part of me knew I would cry.  I just did not know how things would play out.  As we drove closer to the office, I could feel the sadness.  I walked into the office alone.  They handed me a nice baggie.

I sat in the car.  When I opened the bag, I saw his ashes and a paw print.  On the way home, I lost it.  Everything that I held inside came out in sobs.  The kids and FullEclipse sat quietly.  It was a very somber drive. 

Today, as I drove to work, I felt the same sadness take over.

The truth is, I miss kitty.  He is ashes and nothing more.  I want to believe all dogs go to heaven.

I really do.

I miss him so much. 

Oh kitty. 



For Fuego 3/7/2006 to 6/25/2014

I am sitting in front of my computer trying to figure out what to say about the death of my dog Fuego (A.K.A. Kitty).  The words escape me.   There is so much to say and very little comfort in writing about kitty.  He is gone.  There is no more KittyKatt (Kona and Fuego).  The K family no longer owns two crazy boxers.  Part of my identitiy is gone.

Nothing I can say will bring Fuego back.  It sucks so much to know your best friend is gone.  Yes, my dogs are more than animals.  They are family members.  In fact, I prefer my dogs over some of the people in my life : cough cough family members cough cough :

Dogs are pure souls.  Their default position is to love you unconditionally whether you are happy or down.  If that does not work, they offer you more love.  Fuego was the perfect example.  He got me.  We both had anxiety.  I understood how he felt.  We had our games like the evil sock, the paw, or the repent game.  Rough housing with my big dog was fun.  Just to think that I was scared of his size when FullEclipse and I picked him up from the breeder.

So if you were to ask me how I felt about Fuego’s death, I can honestly say that I am confused on how I feel and how I am coping with his death.  Putting kitty down was a logical and financial decision that needed to be made for his well being.  Thinking in terms of numbers makes me sick.  Fuego deserved so much better.  However, spending at least $1,400.00 for a surgery to remove his spleen gave us no warranties about his health.  At best, he could live for six to nine months.  But at what emotional cost?  It was not fair for my energetic boy to live with a cancer that was spreading.  I could have thrown all my savings at the problem only to get the same results.  Fuego deserved better.

I am also angry at the veterinarian for wanting us to spend money on keeping Fuego overnight for observation.  The doctor only wanted to treat the symptoms.  If it had not been for FullEclipse pushing for a solution, we would have spent $500.00 a day to give Fuego fluids – nothing more.  To think that we could have decided to spend the money just to make Fuego suffer.  It was until the doctor saw the tumor that he realized why we wanted to see what was making kitty so sick.  He wanted us to bring Fuego home.  We could not.  Knowing he was dying was bad enough.  Seeing him waste away was not an option.  FullEclipse was there to say goodbye to kitty.  I kissed him before he left for the veterinarian.  Little did I know that would be my last kiss.

Confusion also plays part in this equation.  Fuego was fine.  In fact, we had a photo session with one of my best friends.  The dogs were happy.  After my friend left, Fuego went downhill.  My friend thinks that Fuego held long enough for her.  I believe it too.  It was surreal to see her cry.  She told me she had a feeling this would be the last time she would see Fuego.  We now share the pain of losing two boxers.  Not a fun club to join.

I feel sick.  My body has reacted in odd ways – from anger displacement to dry heaves.  I have not felt great at all.  The dry heaves began the night he died.  Almost a week later and they have not stopped.  Something inside is eating me.

I also feel emotionally constipated (TM) because I have not been able to cry.  The day Fuego was put down, I asked my parents to take the kids.  For the first time in history, the kids did not want to hang out in my parents’ room.  I had to eat my tears.  I still do because K2 and Paczki (more than anyone) get upset if they see me cry.

My emotions or lack thereof drove me to see Dr. Inception.  Thankfully she was able to see get me in for a quick session.  She told me it was okay to grieve on my own terms.

The kids and FullEclipse have moved on.  Paczki wants a new puppy to study why it is that large dogs die soon.  It is her way of coping.  We are thinking about getting a Boston Terrier.  The thought stings.

The truth is that I miss my partner in crime.  He was the first major present FullEclipse got me even if I fought to get another dog.  However, all it took was this picture to convince me kitty was the best thing:


I miss you kitty!  You were a tad stupid but made up for it with lots of love.

R.I.P. Fuego Alexander Sweet Cheeks K, III.

Be free and play with my Gimpy.

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say “Goodbye”.
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you –
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times
life still has much in store.

Since you’ll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today~
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you’ll always stay. ”





Worst Blogger Ever

Seriously, there is so much going on in my head.  When I drive or interact with the world, subjects pop in in my head.  Yet, I can’t seem to find the time to sit down to write these thoughts down.  The worst part of it all is that I have some small breaks to blog even during my school time.  Maybe the fear of “sounding” stupid keeps me from putting my thoughts out there.  This fear should not prevent me from writing.  This blog is for therapeutic reasons as well as reaching out to others who may be going through the same issues.  Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, and WordPress are great tools.

I am going to try to be more present.  The Internet has provided me with a platform to express myself.

So, what is stopping me?



August 27, 2011

The house is quiet.

No crying, screaming, or whining.

Just silence!

This is the perfect time to post!

KittyKatt is (or should it be are?) playing outside.  I am enjoying a nice cup of decaf coffee while K2 is asleep (finally!) on the swing recovering from a cold.  It was a rough night, but let’s hope the worse is over.  It sucks to see your children be sick.  FullEclipse calms me.  He tells me that it will okay, that it all is part of growing up.  I am trying not to freak out.  If all goes well with the cold, the family will be celebrating Packzi’s birthday tomorrow with a Princess breakfast at my least favorite place in the world: Disneyland.  She has been looking forward to this breakfast for a month now.  I cannot wait to see her reaction.

This post was supposed to have been posted on the day K2 was born.  Better late than never!


August 27, 2011

Today, just eleven minutes after midnight, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  He was named after a Twilight character and someone from the show J.A.G.

K2 came into the world weighing 9.4 lbs. and measuring 20 inches long.  Just like his sister, this little guy decided to come into world on his own terms and whenever he wanted.  K2 did not want to wait until Tuesday, August 30th to come out.

I began laboring on Thursday the 25th.  FullEclipse and I had returned from another OBGYN/ER visit at the hospital when my contractions began just after 11:00 p.m.  After trying to be brave all day Friday, I went to the hospital at night.  It was then that the doctors told me that I was dilated three centimeters.  The c-section needed to happen as soon as possible.  I went into freak out mode.

What about my panic attacks on the operating table? – I got medicated!

What about Paczki? – She was fine and happy to be a big sister.

Is K2 okay? – He was fine.

The whole procedure is a blur.  The anti-anxiety medication has made some things hard to remember.

But I remember his cry.

I remember my husband.  There is no other time where I feel more in love and connected to him.  Nothing brings us closer together than hearing our kids first cries.  At that moment, nothing else matters.

I remember how my heart grew.

I remember crying.

It was a crazy pregnancy full of emotions, doubts, and a sense that I could not bring K2 into the world safe.

We made it.

Everyone is tired.

If I could summarize this experience with one song, “Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles says it all.

Here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo)
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been clear
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right
It’s all right


Everything Is Great!!


I am finally catching my breath after ten weeks of craziness.  It all began with the Thursday that I went into labor followed by an “emergency” c-section, a new baby, not a lot of sleep, family from out of town, FullEclipse and Paczki getting sick, three ER visits (two for me, one for FullEclipse), doctor’s appointments, tons of anxiety attacks, Paczki getting adjusted to a new baby, lots of bonding with K2, etc!

I have a lot to post about.  The first few entries will be pregnancy and delivery related because I want to keep a record of what went on so my little one can read it one day.

In the meantime, thank you for all the comments 🙂

I am fine and so is the family.



Asking for Help Is Hard & Yes I am That Sick!

Yesterday was a pivotal moment in my anxiety saga because I was finally able to see a therapist to try to cope with how I have been feeling for the past year.  My hope is that I will find the right treatment for my disorder before it drags me down completely.

For a long time, I have been very reluctant to seek help.  I had a psychologist before, but due to the economic situation I found myself in, I had to cancel my sessions.  I did not feel bad when I stopped seeing the doctor because I have always thought that I could beat this disorder on my own.  Even when I was medicated, my goal was to completely be free from drugs.  The side effects sucked – hello 40 lbs gain!  I also hated being dependent upon medication to feel whole.  I have my emergency anti anxiety pill and I hate taking it!

As this pregnancy progressed, I noticed that my anxiety levels kept increasing.  I have read that anxiety goes up when you are pregnant.  I figured that once K2 was born, things would get better.  One of the things FullEclipse had suggested is that perhaps seeing a doctor after K2’s birth would be a good idea.  I agreed even if the idea of seeing someone bothered me.

However, as the due date approaches, I find myself having more and more episodes.  My biggest fear is having an attack on the operating table during the c-section.  That is the last thing I want.  Going to places with my mom or dad triggers my anxiety even more.  I cannot be stuck in this house anymore.  I want to go out without fear and enjoy life.  I finally had enough!  I made an appointment to see a therapist.  I figured that if he would see me once or twice before the birth, I would gain some insight into my condition and be two sessions into recovery.

I swallowed my pride and off to the therapist I went.  It is so nice to have the hospital nearby my house.  I can deliver K2 and see a therapist.  Very very cool!

After a long talk, the therapist recommended that I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist at the same time.

I guess my condition is worst than I thought.

We talked about my childhood, first marriage, my divorce , work, the loss of my house, my family, the economy, the pressures to be perfect, etc.  A lot of these factors seem to influence my mood and the anxiety.

My therapist knows that I do not wish to be medicated at all.  I want to be drug free.  I also want to breastfeed K2 and have more children.  Medication will make these two dreams very hard to achieve.  But, he still wants me to follow through with his recommendations.  He will share with my psychiatrist what we talked about as well as my desire not to take any medication.

Based on what we talked about, I have a feeling that the doctors will put me on disability for a while.  Once again, this is my feeling.  There is just so much going on and with all the changes, things will get rough.  Work will be the last thing I need because it will add more stress to my psyche.

Who knows what will happen?  One thing is for sure, I am glad I took the first step even if it kills me to admit that I need help.