How Do I Want To Live My Life?

Since November of last year, the realization that death can come at any time.  It does not discriminate.  The fact that two young people lost their lives to cancer cemented this sad fact of life.  One of the things I have been working on is a list of songs to be played at my funeral.  Yes, it is a morbid thing to think about.  But, being a control freak, I want people to truly understand where I come from.  Music is the perfect medium to convey my message.

Oddly enough, Dr. Absolution and I were talking about my goals for therapy this year.  I gave him a list of what things I wanted to change/accomplish.  I don’t know how this happened, but he suggested I imagined how I wanted to be remembered at my funeral.  Because I don’t have a lot friends, I suggested that maybe writing an obituary would be a good idea.  He agreed.  Dr. Absolution sees it as a way to see where I picture myself in life.  With a clear vision, we can achieve my goals.

Yet, I can’t seem to put into words what I want to do with my life.  Well, I don’t know how I want to live my life.  How do I want to be remembered?  It is a question I must answer.  It is not easy at all.  I guess that is the whole point of the exercise – to focus on what I want to do instead of dreaming about it.  

With school starting this week, getting this done might be a challenge.  

I also don’t want to think about dying.

I mean, who does!???

Don’t worry, there is plenty of Queen left.  

I just don’t know how I want to live!

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And His Name is Fred XVI

A few days after the passing of Kitty, FullEclipse and I began to talk about getting a new puppy to help Paczki deal with the loss.  Her way of coping was to ask for a small dog that could live longer than a boxer.  She had ideas on what to do to track the dog’s life, etc.  It was cute yet heartbreaking in a way.  I am happy that Paczki was able to deal with the loss in a logical manner. 

As much as I hated the idea of getting a new puppy, especially since I had not grieved Kitty, I knew it was the right thing to do for the K Family.  FullEclipse and I had talked before about which kind of dog we would after our Boxers died.  We settled for a Boston Terrier.  One of my best friends has a Boxer (one passed away) and two Bostons.  The personalities mesh really well.  Bostons are a smaller version of Boxers.  With Kona being an older dog, she needs a smaller dog to be able to keep up with the playing, etc.  We also wanted a boy because two Boxer girls are bound to fight.  Kona will only hurt herself since she is the dominant dog.

After many phone calls and ads, we found the perfect breeder.  She asked the right questions and had no problem answering ours.  You would be surprised to see how many backyard breeders pose as reputable/caring.  The breeder and I emailed each other often.  She sent us pictures.  There was a guy who stood out right away.  He was the bigger puppy of the picture.  A cute brindle boy.  I always want a solid color dog, but life sends me brindled dogs!  We made plans to visit the breeder.  My issue was the travel.  At 50 miles away from home, the idea of making a few trips out there seemed so daunting.  On a Saturday morning, we got the kids.  Paczki whined because she wanted to stay home.  Once she realized where we were going, things got much better.

So, we met our guy.  I had a name picked out but it didn’t seem right.  The breeder had an Ethel, Lucy (loved her!), and Fred.  I looked at the puppy.  He looked like a Fred to me.  The name stuck.  It is a great name.  When we registered him for the AKC, he was given the name Fred  XVI – fancy! 

Here is a picture of the day we brought Sir Fred Stink Eye K XVI home:

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He was smaller than Kona’s tongue.

Fred is getting used to being around us.  One of his ears is goofy.  We decided not to tape it as it was suggested.  That only makes him more unique.  The tie adds to his personality.

I miss Kitty like crazy, but I know he is finally at rest.

Fred has helped a lot.

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First Grade for My First Born

Today Paczki started first grade.

As much as this summer sucked for all of us in terms of spending too much time together in close quarters, it was sad to see my first kid go back to school.  Long gone is the shy little girl who was hesitant about going to school.  FullEclipse, K2, and I dropped her off and waiting until Packzi walked to her classroom.  We will pick her up as well.  This is a tradition I hope to keep for many years. 

It is very surprising to see how much time has passed.  If there is a regret to have, is the fact that I did not hold Paczki as much as I should have when she was a baby.  But I am making it up with lots of kisses and silly games. 

Can we slow time down?  Paczki keeps growing and growing.  Pretty soon, My Little Pony will give way to something else.  My baby needs to enjoy her childhood.  Who needs homework at 6 1/2?  Right?

Today Paczki gets her favorite meal as a way to start the new school year.  One of many many many meals to come with our kids.

Despite of the fact that FullEclipse lost his job, I cannot be bitter.  Money comes and goes, but our family stays the same.  I am truly blessed even if at times I lose hope. 

Enjoy your day love of my life.  You will kick major ass in First Grade!

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A Setback In Life

FullEclipse lost his job last Thursday.  Because of what might happen next with his union, I can’t really go into specifics.  Even if I could, I wouldn’t do it.  Let’s just say it was an underhanded move.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were hectic.  My mind  went into worst case scenario thinking.  Part of it is true.  We are losing our health insurance along with a nice pay.  My worry is and will always be my mental health.  So much work has gone into making me somewhat normal.  Today I went into Dr. Absolution’s office with the idea of weaning off my medications.  Thankfully, I can go see him once a month as a cash patient.  Crisis averted.

The question is, where to go from here?  Obviously, FullEclipse is looking for a new job.  He is not sitting down waiting for things to happen even if the lay off made him really upset.  He wants to move on.

This setback will drain our savings account.  Let’s hope we have enough to get us through the rough patch.  We are lucky because we don’t pay rent.

I don’t know what the next month will be like, especially with K2 and my birthday coming up.  The trip in December is now on hold even though the tickets are paid.  So much is up in the air.  I hate not being in control.

One thing is for sure, we are “Ks” and we will get through it.

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Of Mice and Kitty

The subject line would be so perfect for a good Fuego story.  Too bad this post is a sad one. 

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On Saturday, after running errands for a soon to be member of the family, we picked Fuego’s ashes from the veterinarian.  The ashes were ready to pick up last Wednesday.  I wanted to go alone to do this for my Fuego.  Because of the time I got home, I did not find a chance in my schedule.  Sad! 

But I could no longer wait any longer.  Kitty needed to come home to me.  Since my grieving process has been out of its norm, I did not know what to expect.  Part of me knew I would cry.  I just did not know how things would play out.  As we drove closer to the office, I could feel the sadness.  I walked into the office alone.  They handed me a nice baggie.

I sat in the car.  When I opened the bag, I saw his ashes and a paw print.  On the way home, I lost it.  Everything that I held inside came out in sobs.  The kids and FullEclipse sat quietly.  It was a very somber drive. 

Today, as I drove to work, I felt the same sadness take over.

The truth is, I miss kitty.  He is ashes and nothing more.  I want to believe all dogs go to heaven.

I really do.

I miss him so much. 

Oh kitty. 

 

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For Dr. Inception – Time to Say Goodbye

First I fired “Dr. Smokes a lot” – not a big loss.

Dr. How I Met Your Mother left after a month of seeing me because her residency year was up.  That was tough, but she planted a tiny seed inside me that led me to the realization that I wanted to recover from my issues.

Then Dr. Backstreet Boy took over.  He got me to a place where I could function and get on with my daily life.  He moved onto a children’s fellowship at the hospital.  His goodbye letter is here.   Dr. Backstreet Boy left me in great hands with the “hard to nickname” Dr. Inception.

Now, a year has passed since I met Dr. Inception.  Her time is up.  Tomorrow is my last session with her before she begins her fellowship working with children (damn kids!) and hands me over to a new p-psychologist who is  tentatively nicknamed Dr. Kelsey Grammer.  Saying goodbye to Dr. Inception will be very hard because of how much she has helped me in terms of personal growth.  She has taken me to places where I am not comfortable.  I have said things to her that no one other than FullEclipse know about.  There are many more things to cover.  Time ran out!

Perhaps this is a hard goodbye because Dr. Inception, in a way, is an extension of Dr. Backstreet Boy.  I learned a few months ago that they are engaged.  I cannot picture a better couple!  Knowing that Dr. Backstreet Boy trusted Dr. Inception with my care just goes to say how great they both are.

So, how do I write a goodbye to Dr. Inception?  Well, let’s start out by setting up the mood.  Lately, the song “The One I Love” by R.E.M. has been in the back of my head.  No, it has nothing to do with Dr. Inception.  I just like the beat.  It makes me think that underneath it all, Dr. Inception is a great person to hang out with and can really be fun!

Here it goes….

Dr. Inception,

Writing has been a part of how we approach some of my sessions.  The words flow without any problems.  We work through my feelings.   Right now I don’t have the words to convey what is going inside my head.  It is the eve before our last session.  There is so much I want to say and I am stuck.  Saying “thank you” is so cliche because you deserve so much more than these words.

Yet…

…there is nothing I can say but thank you!

Thank you for always being there to guide me through my dark times.  You were there to push me to get over some of my big fears.  If it had not been for you saying, “what is stopping you from flying?,” I would still be stuck with that fear.

Thank you for getting inside my head to get me to see how life could be different.  Your nickname is dead on!

There is still a lot of work to do.  While you may not be there to see me through my journey, I know our sessions have put me on a better path.  Perhaps I will never accept me 100%.  But I can live with who I am.

I feel like I am losing one of the few people who cheer me on.  You want me to succeed.  You do not judge me.  The kids who will be under your care are very lucky to have you.  If your interactions with Paczki are a glimpse of what is to come, you will kick ass as a children’s psychiatrist.  These kids need help.  Having you by their side gives me hope that they will never have to face the stigma that comes with having a mental illness.

Thank you for those times where you let me rant.

Thank you for being there to let me know I am a good mom and human being.

Thank you for letting me grieve Fuego on my own terms.

But, most importantly, thank you for giving me a voice!

This voice will come out during my quest to find how to help those who do not have a voice.  The path that I will take is still unclear, but my mission is set.  Without your help, this voice would have been silenced.

I believe in destiny.  Part of me knows that if we had met under different circumstances, we would have been friends.  Life works in funny ways.  Our paths had to cross this way and I am thankful for that.

I wish you the best of luck.

Until we meet again,

>Funny things you see

 

Worst Blogger Ever

Seriously, there is so much going on in my head.  When I drive or interact with the world, subjects pop in in my head.  Yet, I can’t seem to find the time to sit down to write these thoughts down.  The worst part of it all is that I have some small breaks to blog even during my school time.  Maybe the fear of “sounding” stupid keeps me from putting my thoughts out there.  This fear should not prevent me from writing.  This blog is for therapeutic reasons as well as reaching out to others who may be going through the same issues.  Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, and WordPress are great tools.

I am going to try to be more present.  The Internet has provided me with a platform to express myself.

So, what is stopping me?

 

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Semi New Tattoo

Right before I took another giant step towards my anxiety recovery, I received news that someone from my past was doing something to harm my family’s well being.  Because things have to been resolved, I am not going to get into any details.  At least, not yet.

Anyway, the family was set to take a trip outside of the country on Thursday March 27th.  That Monday was just a regular day until we got the news.  I had anxiety and lots of anger.  For a moment, I thought about postponing the trip.  But that person had a stronghold on me for many years.  The abuse and self esteem hits I took from this person came back.

Thanks to my FullEclipse, family, and Dr. Inception, I decided to say FUCK YOU and go on the trip.  However, I needed a distraction.  So I got this:

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This tattoo had been in the works for a while.  It is a Kabbalah symbol to guard off anxiety.  It is supposed to help with mental healing.  It was just what I needed at the time.  The pain was a what I needed to forget life.

The tattoo is located right below my right wrist.  It is bigger than I thought it would be.  I am so happy with the result.  Three more tattoos and I will be done!

In the end, I forgot about the asshole.  I took the bull by the horns and took my trip.

Kudos to me!

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Germs…germs…and Marriage

I have said it over and over that even I am getting sick of hearing it.

But I love FullEclipse.

However, I do not love it when he gets sick and shares the germs with the rest of the family.  Sharing is caring.  Sharing germs is just a douche move 🙂

FullEclipse did not intentionally give us his cold.  Actually, it was the flu along with some sort of infection.  For the most part, he tried to stay away from us.  But, because of our close quarters, I ended up getting sick.  K2 soon followed.  Last week was just miserable.  Between the chills, the fever, and the crying (all from me), I had to make sure Paczki was in school and K2 was comfortable enough to rest.  We had some long nights.  FullEclipse helped a great deal at night.

Things are coming slowly back to normal.  K2 is fully recovered.  I am still very tired.  My tonsils are swollen.  Swallowing hurts and I am coughing half a lung at night.  Not a pretty sight at all!

What annoys me is that I had a plan to work out.  My start day was last Monday.  It didn’t happen since I was sick as a dog.  Today, it is not looking good either.  FullEclipse tells me it will take about two weeks to feel normal.  Bleh!  At least there is an end in sight even if the end looks like a treadmill.  Bleh again!!

On a positive note, the laundry is folded and put away.  My schoolwork for last week was submitted just in time to start the new school week.  Paczki is on vacation so no crazy driving!

Life…so simple at times!

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Single Parents

Very few things in life impress me.  This makes me sound like a total ass, but it is true.  In the era of digital information and with my only child upbringing, things just do not seem that important.  I have it all.

Yet, after this week, I cannot give enough praise to single parents and what they do alone.

FullEclipse came with a nasty cold.  Well, we thought it was a cold.  After three days of misery, the doctor finally saw him.  He has a bacterial infection.

Because FullEclipse was sick, I was in charge of the kids.  From getting them up to getting Packzi to school.  This is my routine, but now having his help at night really put me in a very bad position with school and other house chores.  The laundry is piling up.  No groceries in the fridge.  Even with my parents help, the kids overwhelm me.  They know they can dish out their energy among three people.  At the end of the day, I was exhausted.

There are two single mothers in one of my classes.  I cannot imagine what they do everyday to get their work done.  School, work, and kids.  They have nothing but my respect.

I am so lucky to have my husband and parents to help me.

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