Worst Blogger Ever

Seriously, there is so much going on in my head.  When I drive or interact with the world, subjects pop in in my head.  Yet, I can’t seem to find the time to sit down to write these thoughts down.  The worst part of it all is that I have some small breaks to blog even during my school time.  Maybe the fear of “sounding” stupid keeps me from putting my thoughts out there.  This fear should not prevent me from writing.  This blog is for therapeutic reasons as well as reaching out to others who may be going through the same issues.  Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, and WordPress are great tools.

I am going to try to be more present.  The Internet has provided me with a platform to express myself.

So, what is stopping me?

 

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2013 Gone?

WTF

and I still had so much to write about, but I suppose I could always post date the posts.

I took this time to relax and get over being sick!

The kids brought over a nasty cold.

And I am behind my school work.  Yay me!

Here is to 2014

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Twenty Years – Part 2

This is it!

Twenty years ago today on a Thursday morning, I moved to the United States.  Wow!  Writing the number down seems so surreal.  Like this is someone else’s life, not mine.  Part of me still feels like a scared fourteen year old who knew little about the road I would have to travel to get to a point where I felt at ease.

There was no anxiety – just sadness.  Everything and everyone I knew would be left behind.  It was only supposed to be a temporary move, but I still felt a sense of loss.

FullEclipse asked me yesterday why I sound so morose when I mention September 23, especially when my life is great.  I have two great kids, dogs, and even if we owe money and lost our home, we are still a family.  He is right.  It isn’t about sulking at all.  I never really had a chance to mourn what I left behind.  It’s the feeling of “what-if?” that always gets me.  It’s a feeling you really can’t really describe.

I remember my grandparents waving us goodbye at the airport.  I still get frustrating just thinking about waiting for my mom’s brother to pick us up at the airport.  I can still picture the big highways…the smells…the tour of the town…the feelings of what the hell just happened to me…driving by the house where we would stay and my thoughts of, “I can’t live here!”….the smells…the billboards…more sights and more smells…to this day, the smell of Palmolive brings back the memories of the day.

Not knowing the language posed such a problem for me.  Also, the state.  I am not a fan of California.

Normally the date doesn’t make me feel this way.  But since it is a 20/10/5, the date takes on a new meaning.  Just taking stock of it all, here is a small list of things that happened in the first 20:

  • A year after the move, my parents stayed.
  • Five years: I was about to celebrate my first year dating anniversary with my ex.
  • 10 years: first marriage
  • 15 years: my Paczki is born.  The beauty this girl showed me is something I cherish every day.
  • 20 years: I go back to school, learn to drive, and realize that I have been battling my weight for about 20 years as well.

Today, at 8:00 a.m. – the exact time when our airplane landed twenty years ago – I was dropping my daughter off at school.  I smiled because life does come full circle.  I am home!

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Exhausted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The first month of 2012 ended yesterday.

Where did all the time go?  It seems like I am living in a parallel universe where times moves in weird patterns.  Some days are super long.  There are times where the weeks go by so fast.

One thing, however, remains true every day: I AM EXHAUSTED.

K2 was born in August and I have not had a good night of sleep since two days before my delivery.  The ER trips did not help my sleep at all!  While the baby has made great strides as far as sleeping a few hours a night go, I feel like I have to make up for all the time that I have stayed up.  FullEclipse tells me that since the baby gives me five or six hours a night, I should not be sleepy all the time.  What can I say?  It just feels like my body wants me to crash a whole night without waking up.  Yet, I cannot bring myself to do it.   FullEclipse offered to take the baby for a night, but I said no.  I can’t do it.  Something tells me that I would wake up anyway.  Since my husband works, I figured he could use the sleep.

Paczki has been amazing.  When she stays home from school, she comes to my bed and cuddles with me.  Every now and then, I catch twenty minutes of sleep while K2 sleeps and Packzi watches TV in my bedroom.

These little naps do not help at all because I wake up so tired.  Oh well!  Things will get better.

There is so much that I want to blog about, but I don’t seem to find the time at the end of the day.  One of my 2012 goals was to blog more often.  I am going to try to find the energy and time to do it.  I love this outlet!

 

Home Alone

I am off work with no plans of returning anytime soon unless the doctor gives me the go ahead.

This week is a week of rest for me.  I am so tired lately and these are my last two weeks of pregnancy.  Everything becomes so much more difficult to do.

Paczki is away at school this week.

As much as she can be a handful and we get frustrated at each other, I miss her terribly.  But she needs to be with kids her age.  Paczki is almost done with summer school so it was important that we continued with her schooling.  Next week will be a vacation week for us.  I plan on cuddling and giving her all the attention in the world because this will be the last time we will be alone with me.  The week of August 29th, a new school year begins.  I am so happy that Packzi will be in school when I have K2 for she will need her friends to help her keep a sense of normalcy.  Her life is about to turn upside down!!

Nevertheless, I want her home now!  This morning she wanted me to drop her off at school with her dad, but FullEclipse let me sleep in.   He is so good about letting me sleep lately.  Paczki knows that mommy and her grandfather will pick her up (I cannot wait until I drive) to take her to Starbucks to get her lemonade.  It is an after school treat that I give her sometimes.  Yes, I am raising a Starbucks snob.

KittyKat stayed with me.  They have been really good lately.  Kona keeps following me around most of the time.  She must sense something will happen soon.

I was supposed to pick up around here today.  FullEclipse helped me with cleaning, but there was some stuff that needed to be put away.  Instead, I took a late shower and laid in bed for a while.   Right now, I am cleaning up a bit.

I got started on my overnight bag for the hospital.  I am now realizing that K2 does not have a come home outfit.  I gotta get on that soon!!

See, not a lot has been going on today.

Maybe something exciting will happen soon!

Asking for Help Is Hard & Yes I am That Sick!

Yesterday was a pivotal moment in my anxiety saga because I was finally able to see a therapist to try to cope with how I have been feeling for the past year.  My hope is that I will find the right treatment for my disorder before it drags me down completely.

For a long time, I have been very reluctant to seek help.  I had a psychologist before, but due to the economic situation I found myself in, I had to cancel my sessions.  I did not feel bad when I stopped seeing the doctor because I have always thought that I could beat this disorder on my own.  Even when I was medicated, my goal was to completely be free from drugs.  The side effects sucked – hello 40 lbs gain!  I also hated being dependent upon medication to feel whole.  I have my emergency anti anxiety pill and I hate taking it!

As this pregnancy progressed, I noticed that my anxiety levels kept increasing.  I have read that anxiety goes up when you are pregnant.  I figured that once K2 was born, things would get better.  One of the things FullEclipse had suggested is that perhaps seeing a doctor after K2’s birth would be a good idea.  I agreed even if the idea of seeing someone bothered me.

However, as the due date approaches, I find myself having more and more episodes.  My biggest fear is having an attack on the operating table during the c-section.  That is the last thing I want.  Going to places with my mom or dad triggers my anxiety even more.  I cannot be stuck in this house anymore.  I want to go out without fear and enjoy life.  I finally had enough!  I made an appointment to see a therapist.  I figured that if he would see me once or twice before the birth, I would gain some insight into my condition and be two sessions into recovery.

I swallowed my pride and off to the therapist I went.  It is so nice to have the hospital nearby my house.  I can deliver K2 and see a therapist.  Very very cool!

After a long talk, the therapist recommended that I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist at the same time.

I guess my condition is worst than I thought.

We talked about my childhood, first marriage, my divorce , work, the loss of my house, my family, the economy, the pressures to be perfect, etc.  A lot of these factors seem to influence my mood and the anxiety.

My therapist knows that I do not wish to be medicated at all.  I want to be drug free.  I also want to breastfeed K2 and have more children.  Medication will make these two dreams very hard to achieve.  But, he still wants me to follow through with his recommendations.  He will share with my psychiatrist what we talked about as well as my desire not to take any medication.

Based on what we talked about, I have a feeling that the doctors will put me on disability for a while.  Once again, this is my feeling.  There is just so much going on and with all the changes, things will get rough.  Work will be the last thing I need because it will add more stress to my psyche.

Who knows what will happen?  One thing is for sure, I am glad I took the first step even if it kills me to admit that I need help.

Our Life Changes

Packzi is down for her afternoon nap, or so I think.

The dogs are quiet and laying next to me in the computer room.  KittyKat at peace…something that I love to see.

Only one room left in my place to clean!  It might only be dusted today.  No need to vacuum it.

Things have changed a lot in the past three weeks.  Life has a way of changing your plans.

FullEclipse found a new job.  This was not only a huge surprise for us because finding something in this economy is nothing short of incredible, but also a much needed source of income.  I never thought he could find such a great opportunity.  His job is close to home and will offer him many opportunities for growth once he finishes with his degree in the next year and a half.

Because of the change of schedule and other factors, FullEclipse and I concluded that it would be best for the family if I stayed home twice a week with Paczki.

The decision was made partly because the family business could benefit from not paying me for the days that I am gone.  In fact, I will be taking a huge pay cut.  This was not something I wanted to do, but it is what is best for the business.  I am okay with it even if it means that FullEclipse and I will not be debt free in the time frame that we had planned.

The other factor was the cost to keep Paczki in school full-time.  The amount of money that we would pay did not make much sense to us.  Three full days work better than a full week, especially with our budget.

KittyKat also played into this outcome.  Kona’s adoption fell through.  No new prospects have come to her rescue (other than her former owner) so it appears that she will be living with us for a long time.  The dogs are getting along better.  However, Kona does not do well if she is left alone.  We have lost a ton of stuff due to her anxiety.  Losing and replacing these items is stupid.  So, Kona goes to work with me.  She does better when she is around people.  But, I don’t want her to be in the office/shop with me all the time.

Finally, FullEclipse and I had talked about me staying home with K2 twice a week after his/her arrival.  I was preparing to stay home anyway.

These changes have been for the most part positive.  I have a lot to learn about staying home with a three-year old.  It is an ongoing process.

The funny thing is that I never picture myself being a stay home mother, not even as a part timer.

This new lifestyle has been a huge shock to my system.

I went from being a working mom to cleaning the house (something I don’t mind doing) and cooking (something I am horrible at).

I am in awe.

But…

I have hope that things will get better

The right thing to do?

For the past few weeks, I have wanted to write an incredible post where I share some great news.

However, something else comes into play and it eclipses all the good stuff that happens.

Whether it is a panic attack, work or just anything crazy, it seems like life does not want to give me a moment’s rest.

This is another shitty thing that has happened.

Okay, shitty does not begin to cover it.

On March 22, 2011, FullEclipse finally made the decision to give Kona up for adoption.

The decision came out of nowhere, at least, I had no idea that he had been thinking about  re-homing Kona.

How FullEclipse told me we had to give her up was so sudden.

He was cooking dinner with Paczki when I noticed that Kona had gone peed in the hallway leading to the bathroom.  She had just gone outside to the bathroom.  I went to tell FullEclipse about it and he said, “I have had it.  I just can’t do this anymore.  Kona needs to find a new home.”

His words surprised me.

I went into my room to cry because I did not want to belive it.

FullEclipse has always been so patient.  His decisions are not hasty so I knew this was for real.

But…

Kona is our rescue boxer.

She has been part of my life for four years.

She is a family member.

She is Packzi’s best friend.

Kona was my buddy during my pregnancy.  She never left me alone.

Heck, she is even a cover girl in a calendar.

How could FullEclipse even consider giving her up without even telling me?

Well…

The truth is that FullEclipse had wanted to talk to me about Kona for a while, but things had been hectic.

He outline his reasons.  As much as I wanted to argue, I know he is right.

In reality, Kona came to us as a very damaged dog.  Her previous owner had neglected Kona is so many ways.  I don’t think he meant to inflict so much damage on Kona.  But, she was left inside a crate for hours and hours.  No potty breaks, no much human interaction.

When we adopted her, Kona had a hard time being potty trained.  At the time she had a doggy door so she could do her business.  Once we were robbed, the doggy door was taken away, but she still had access to the big yard.  Accidents happened, but we took it in stride.

FullEclipse had been able to teach Kona that her doggy crate was not to be feared.  We could leave her in the crate while we ran errands.  If left alone with Fuego, Kona would get into trouble.  Since FullEclipse is a stay home parent, the dogs would not be crated for long.

The crate became an issue when we left for vacation a year ago.  One of our dog sitters wasn’t around as much as we had hoped.  Kona freaked out and broke out of her crate.  She could have been injured, but thankfully nothing happened.  The crate was history as FullEclipse has been unsuccessful with the crate retraining.

Finally, when we moved to a smaller place, Kona lost the big yard and her bad habits really became an issue.

All of the above “offenses,” are things we can work on.

The big issue, the one we cannot work on even with all the training we have done is her aggression with Fuego.

We always knew Kona was the dominant dog.  The trainer told us what to do in order to insure that the pack order was understood by everyone.

Even with the advice, Kona began to fight with Fuego about a year and a half ago.

So toys, treats, etc. were out the window to avoid conflict.

Fuego puts with Kona’s aggression as much as possible, but there will be a time when he will not back down.  In the meantime, he has become skittish and very afraid of Kona.

FullEclipse has hired a trainer, but even with her advice things are getting worse.

The fear is that once FullEclipse goes back to work, KittyKat will be left alone and could potentially get into a fight that can turn deadly.  Even worse, Paczki could be in the middle of a fight and become injured.

We also have other BIG changes coming our way that will add to the stress in the household.

KittyKat deserve much better.

Fuego needs to be in a stress free environment.

Kona needs to be in a home where she has access to a big yard.  She also needs to be the only dog.

So, FullEclipse contacted the rescue where we got her from.

They didn’t have any space available so we had to keep her.

I didn’t think her adoption could come soon.  Kona is 5 1/2 years old.  Typically, not what people want.

So, we took pictures and I had to write up a bio for Kona.  It was so hard to do, but this is what it says:

Posted 3/25/11

Hello!

My name is Kona and I am happy five and a half year old female.  I am loving, energetic, cuddly, and I love kids.  My family has a three year old girl.  She is my best friend.

Unfortunately, our living situation changed.  My family had to move to a smaller place where space is limited.  I enjoy running around a big yard and this cramped space is not the right place for a girl like me.  My family thought and thought about this situation.  They know that the best thing for me would be to be in a home where I have a yard where I can run and run until I get tired.  I also need to be the only dog because I need to get all the attention.  I only share the spotlight with kids.

My family does not want to let me go, but they know that this is the right thing to do.  They know I will find a home where I will be loved as much as I am loved here.

Kona

She looks so sad in her picture.

I had to fight tears as I wrote the words.

Two days ago, someone showed interest in Kona.

This family will perfect for Kona.

If all goes well on April 9th, Kona will be at a new place with a better family.  I will not be driving down to drop her off.  It will be too much for me.  I don’t think I could let her go.

I hate the fact that Kona will have a new best friend…not my daughter.

I had hoped for a chance of heart in FullEclipse.

I hate this situation because I feel like I am guilty.

If I had cleaned the pee without telling FullEclipse, maybe he would have waited a little longer to rehome Kona.

I hate California for being such a bad place for businesses.  If things had gone right here, I would still have a house with a big yard for Kona.

I hate the fact that Kona will no longer be mine.

I hate the fact that Paczki will lose her best friend.

I hate the fact that I am powerless to do anything about this.

I will miss her terrible.

The tears will not stop flowing.

I feel guilty.

In the many times FullEclipse and I stayed up thinking about the loss of our home, we made a promise that even if we ended up living in the back of our truck, our family would remain intact.

As always, I failed.