Worst Blogger Ever

Seriously, there is so much going on in my head.  When I drive or interact with the world, subjects pop in in my head.  Yet, I can’t seem to find the time to sit down to write these thoughts down.  The worst part of it all is that I have some small breaks to blog even during my school time.  Maybe the fear of “sounding” stupid keeps me from putting my thoughts out there.  This fear should not prevent me from writing.  This blog is for therapeutic reasons as well as reaching out to others who may be going through the same issues.  Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, and WordPress are great tools.

I am going to try to be more present.  The Internet has provided me with a platform to express myself.

So, what is stopping me?

 

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The Sunday Blues

I hate Sunday afternoons.

I hate them with a fucking passion.

They make me extremely sad.  My mind goes to the worst places.  All of my fears materialize.

When I was little, I lived with my grandma and grandpa because my parents had to work and study.  Even though my mom and dad would come every day for a bit to see me, I still couldn’t understand why I could not live with them.  Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were the days I spent with my parents.  Sunday afternoon would be the time when I would be back with my grandparents.  It was so bad.

Then FullEclipse…the days after my ex asked for divorce, the loneliness of it all.

As I prepare for my next chapter in recovery, I can’t help but feel the same dread getting all over my body.  Adding to this is the fact that I have so much to do before Thursday.  Laundry, kids, homework, etc.

Breathe.

It is just another day.

I don’t have to cry anymore.  Everything is in place.

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A Year Older

Today I celebrate my 25th birthday for the 9th time.  Do the math and you will figure out how old I am.

As I approach my mid-thirties, I can’t help but reflect on what has happened in the past 20, 10, and 5 years of my life.  There is a sense of loss because of the many opportunities I didn’t take and for the mistakes I have made along the way.

But when it all adds up, I have a wonderful family.  A great husband and two healthy kids.  My friends might be away from me and only be “online,” but they are an extension of my family.  They are there even if they cannot be physically next to me.

Even the friendships that I thought I lost…

Remember the one posting about a friend and the now spouse?  Part of my therapy is learning to forgive.

There is so much that I want to write about.

My life took a turn almost twenty years ago, just the day after my birthday.

Like I said, this is the year of the 20, 10, and 5.

Right now, I want to be quiet…

and to think

and imagine

and be thankful

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Shinny Happy People

This week has been bad in terms of my relationship. FullEclipse and I had a spat which sent me into a tailspin of doubt, etc.

He had a reason to be upset. I am not upset about that per say. It was more of a delivery issue.

I am changing  and trying to improve upon the things FullEclipse was concerned about.

Yet, I am angry and frustrated.

Angry at him for not telling me before.

Frustrated because one of the things that bothers me about our relationship was sort of brushed aside with the excuse of, “we outgrew that part of our relationship.”

Ouch…that one hurt.

So, I did what I do best: flip a switch and go the other way.  The thing I craved is now something I hate.  It’s a way to cope with how I feel.

I guess it’s a way to compartmentalize my feelings.

It’s my survival mechanism.

Obviously, I am in a dark-I-will-mame-everything-the-world-sucks-sarcastic type of mood.  One of the ways I know this is by my choice of music.

If you ever hear me playing, “Shinny Happy People” by R.E.M., get away….get away from me if you enjoy happiness.  I will find a way to tear you apart.

Do you care to guess what I am listening to right now??

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