Asking for Help Is Hard & Yes I am That Sick!

Yesterday was a pivotal moment in my anxiety saga because I was finally able to see a therapist to try to cope with how I have been feeling for the past year.  My hope is that I will find the right treatment for my disorder before it drags me down completely.

For a long time, I have been very reluctant to seek help.  I had a psychologist before, but due to the economic situation I found myself in, I had to cancel my sessions.  I did not feel bad when I stopped seeing the doctor because I have always thought that I could beat this disorder on my own.  Even when I was medicated, my goal was to completely be free from drugs.  The side effects sucked – hello 40 lbs gain!  I also hated being dependent upon medication to feel whole.  I have my emergency anti anxiety pill and I hate taking it!

As this pregnancy progressed, I noticed that my anxiety levels kept increasing.  I have read that anxiety goes up when you are pregnant.  I figured that once K2 was born, things would get better.  One of the things FullEclipse had suggested is that perhaps seeing a doctor after K2’s birth would be a good idea.  I agreed even if the idea of seeing someone bothered me.

However, as the due date approaches, I find myself having more and more episodes.  My biggest fear is having an attack on the operating table during the c-section.  That is the last thing I want.  Going to places with my mom or dad triggers my anxiety even more.  I cannot be stuck in this house anymore.  I want to go out without fear and enjoy life.  I finally had enough!  I made an appointment to see a therapist.  I figured that if he would see me once or twice before the birth, I would gain some insight into my condition and be two sessions into recovery.

I swallowed my pride and off to the therapist I went.  It is so nice to have the hospital nearby my house.  I can deliver K2 and see a therapist.  Very very cool!

After a long talk, the therapist recommended that I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist at the same time.

I guess my condition is worst than I thought.

We talked about my childhood, first marriage, my divorce , work, the loss of my house, my family, the economy, the pressures to be perfect, etc.  A lot of these factors seem to influence my mood and the anxiety.

My therapist knows that I do not wish to be medicated at all.  I want to be drug free.  I also want to breastfeed K2 and have more children.  Medication will make these two dreams very hard to achieve.  But, he still wants me to follow through with his recommendations.  He will share with my psychiatrist what we talked about as well as my desire not to take any medication.

Based on what we talked about, I have a feeling that the doctors will put me on disability for a while.  Once again, this is my feeling.  There is just so much going on and with all the changes, things will get rough.  Work will be the last thing I need because it will add more stress to my psyche.

Who knows what will happen?  One thing is for sure, I am glad I took the first step even if it kills me to admit that I need help.

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Woe Is Depression!!

I don’t know what is going on with me, but for the past week and a half, I don’t feel like myself at all.  It has been a while since I have felt okay and at ease.  I get these massive waves of sadness and depression that cannot be shaken away.  Normally, I can function properly and put on a good face for everyone.  As of last week, you begin to see he cracks and the toll this depression has taken on me.  Thankfully, K2 is happy and growing healthy.  Mommy’s problems have not affected my pregnancy.

My anxiety comes and goes.  There have been periods of peace.  But, like my psychologist said, anxiety is a monster that can come back at any time when left untreated.  It has been almost two years since I last saw him.   I could not afford to see him anymore as I was a cash patient.  FullEclipse has insurance now.  It covers mental help.  As soon as K2 is born, I am going to find a new psychologist to finally kick these feelings.

I have to say that I am annoyed at my anxiety the most.  I have had weeks of no anxiety and then it just happens.  This cycle is so frustrating.   It feels like my body is betraying me and that beneath it all, my body craves the feelings of uncertainty.

FullEclipse has been so good with me.  To say he is a blessing would be the understatement of the millennium.  He is my rock and my biggest supporter.  Together we are trying to figure out the root of this problem.  We have narrowed it down to a few things happening in our lives combined with my desire to get the fuck of out this hell hole I call California.  We will try working out a solution that will be best for our family.

In the meantime, I take it one day at a time.  My husband, children, and dogs need me.  Things will get better.

I wanted to make this a password protected entry because I know that people from my past read this blog.  These people would love to see me fail (note: keep dreaming!).  My question to them is why are you so interested in my life when you never cared before or when it was clear that you hated my guts?

At the same time, part of the reason why I blog is to see if there are others out there suffering from anxiety and depression.  I have always felt that these two conditions (especially anxiety) carry a certain stigma.  Very few people truly understand it.  If my entries can help someone so be it.

The right thing to do?

For the past few weeks, I have wanted to write an incredible post where I share some great news.

However, something else comes into play and it eclipses all the good stuff that happens.

Whether it is a panic attack, work or just anything crazy, it seems like life does not want to give me a moment’s rest.

This is another shitty thing that has happened.

Okay, shitty does not begin to cover it.

On March 22, 2011, FullEclipse finally made the decision to give Kona up for adoption.

The decision came out of nowhere, at least, I had no idea that he had been thinking about  re-homing Kona.

How FullEclipse told me we had to give her up was so sudden.

He was cooking dinner with Paczki when I noticed that Kona had gone peed in the hallway leading to the bathroom.  She had just gone outside to the bathroom.  I went to tell FullEclipse about it and he said, “I have had it.  I just can’t do this anymore.  Kona needs to find a new home.”

His words surprised me.

I went into my room to cry because I did not want to belive it.

FullEclipse has always been so patient.  His decisions are not hasty so I knew this was for real.

But…

Kona is our rescue boxer.

She has been part of my life for four years.

She is a family member.

She is Packzi’s best friend.

Kona was my buddy during my pregnancy.  She never left me alone.

Heck, she is even a cover girl in a calendar.

How could FullEclipse even consider giving her up without even telling me?

Well…

The truth is that FullEclipse had wanted to talk to me about Kona for a while, but things had been hectic.

He outline his reasons.  As much as I wanted to argue, I know he is right.

In reality, Kona came to us as a very damaged dog.  Her previous owner had neglected Kona is so many ways.  I don’t think he meant to inflict so much damage on Kona.  But, she was left inside a crate for hours and hours.  No potty breaks, no much human interaction.

When we adopted her, Kona had a hard time being potty trained.  At the time she had a doggy door so she could do her business.  Once we were robbed, the doggy door was taken away, but she still had access to the big yard.  Accidents happened, but we took it in stride.

FullEclipse had been able to teach Kona that her doggy crate was not to be feared.  We could leave her in the crate while we ran errands.  If left alone with Fuego, Kona would get into trouble.  Since FullEclipse is a stay home parent, the dogs would not be crated for long.

The crate became an issue when we left for vacation a year ago.  One of our dog sitters wasn’t around as much as we had hoped.  Kona freaked out and broke out of her crate.  She could have been injured, but thankfully nothing happened.  The crate was history as FullEclipse has been unsuccessful with the crate retraining.

Finally, when we moved to a smaller place, Kona lost the big yard and her bad habits really became an issue.

All of the above “offenses,” are things we can work on.

The big issue, the one we cannot work on even with all the training we have done is her aggression with Fuego.

We always knew Kona was the dominant dog.  The trainer told us what to do in order to insure that the pack order was understood by everyone.

Even with the advice, Kona began to fight with Fuego about a year and a half ago.

So toys, treats, etc. were out the window to avoid conflict.

Fuego puts with Kona’s aggression as much as possible, but there will be a time when he will not back down.  In the meantime, he has become skittish and very afraid of Kona.

FullEclipse has hired a trainer, but even with her advice things are getting worse.

The fear is that once FullEclipse goes back to work, KittyKat will be left alone and could potentially get into a fight that can turn deadly.  Even worse, Paczki could be in the middle of a fight and become injured.

We also have other BIG changes coming our way that will add to the stress in the household.

KittyKat deserve much better.

Fuego needs to be in a stress free environment.

Kona needs to be in a home where she has access to a big yard.  She also needs to be the only dog.

So, FullEclipse contacted the rescue where we got her from.

They didn’t have any space available so we had to keep her.

I didn’t think her adoption could come soon.  Kona is 5 1/2 years old.  Typically, not what people want.

So, we took pictures and I had to write up a bio for Kona.  It was so hard to do, but this is what it says:

Posted 3/25/11

Hello!

My name is Kona and I am happy five and a half year old female.  I am loving, energetic, cuddly, and I love kids.  My family has a three year old girl.  She is my best friend.

Unfortunately, our living situation changed.  My family had to move to a smaller place where space is limited.  I enjoy running around a big yard and this cramped space is not the right place for a girl like me.  My family thought and thought about this situation.  They know that the best thing for me would be to be in a home where I have a yard where I can run and run until I get tired.  I also need to be the only dog because I need to get all the attention.  I only share the spotlight with kids.

My family does not want to let me go, but they know that this is the right thing to do.  They know I will find a home where I will be loved as much as I am loved here.

Kona

She looks so sad in her picture.

I had to fight tears as I wrote the words.

Two days ago, someone showed interest in Kona.

This family will perfect for Kona.

If all goes well on April 9th, Kona will be at a new place with a better family.  I will not be driving down to drop her off.  It will be too much for me.  I don’t think I could let her go.

I hate the fact that Kona will have a new best friend…not my daughter.

I had hoped for a chance of heart in FullEclipse.

I hate this situation because I feel like I am guilty.

If I had cleaned the pee without telling FullEclipse, maybe he would have waited a little longer to rehome Kona.

I hate California for being such a bad place for businesses.  If things had gone right here, I would still have a house with a big yard for Kona.

I hate the fact that Kona will no longer be mine.

I hate the fact that Paczki will lose her best friend.

I hate the fact that I am powerless to do anything about this.

I will miss her terrible.

The tears will not stop flowing.

I feel guilty.

In the many times FullEclipse and I stayed up thinking about the loss of our home, we made a promise that even if we ended up living in the back of our truck, our family would remain intact.

As always, I failed.

>30 Days of Me – Day 5

>Something you hope to do in your life…

I am not a very hopeful person.  In fact, I have a pretty grim view on things.  Things either happen in your favor or you are just shit out of luck because you suck and the universe thinks so too.

But…

There is just one thing in the back of my mind that holds on to the last last bit of hope left in my body.  I know better than to believe things will be okay in the end, but here it is:

My hope is become ANXIETY FREE.

A lot of the bad stuff I have to overcome (e.g. weight loss, going back to school to become a better/marketable person, getting off my butt and becoming debt free, learning how to drive and get my liscense, etc.) goes hand in hand with my anxiety.  It feels like all of these things are holding me back when in reality it all hinges on one thing: my ability to free myself from my panic attacks.

I long for the days where I can strap myself onto a roller coaster…how I wish I could bungee jump and sky dive.

Theses days, I think I will settle for going somewhere without cowering.

Heck…I want to give everything and most people here in CA the middle finger and move away for good.

What a fucked up disease.

>Robbed Part Deux

>I really do not like my neighborhood.

I love my house, but everything around it drags it down. 

The whole block is quiet and I really do not know my neighbors.  It is what surrounds our neighborhood that becomes a problem.  It seems like we are surrounded by an area with thieves, bums, drunks, and a bit of gang activity.  We live close to a major attraction and you would think the surrounding areas would be your picture perfect communities.

Yeah, right!

Last year, we were robbed.  That effect took a huge toll on the family in the finance department as well as the emotional side of me.  You can read all about it here:  Robbed – an Anniversary Tale.

Things have calmed down a bit.  The house next door is now on the market.  No one, expect for the Realtors and potential buyers, can get to it (in theory).  My home has an alarm system.  For the most part, I feel okay. 

Lately, FullEclipse has forgotten to lock his truck.  A few times, he has even left the windows down.  However, nothing had been taken.  I was beginning to feel a sense of relief. 

I should have known better

Last night, someone broke into our truck.  Well, this person had a pass since my husband did not lock the car.  Our GPS system was stolen.  This person tried to look for more stuff, but nothing was taken.  I guess our taste in music is not very good. 

I am pissed.

Pissed at my husband because he forgot to lock the door.  I love him, but this was not cool.

Pissed at myself for not checking to see if the truck had been locked.

Pissed at the person who stole our stuff.

Pissed in general because I don’t have the money to replace said GPS and my husband needs it to get around.

Pissed at my financial situation.  My home is still up for grabs as the loan modification in on its second year.  I can’t move until I know what the hell is going on.

Pissed because we are targets.  People know our weakness and I am afraid that our home will be broken into again.

Yeah, I am pissed

>Rain!!!!!!!!!!

>And I am not talking about that hot Rain guy from Ninja Assassin!

See the picture to your left. 

Granted, the quality might not be the best, but you get the idea!!

For past two days, it has been quite cloudy in the cesspool I call Southern California. I am hoping to get actual rain sometime.  I will settle for a few rain drops.  Seriously, it gets so dry here!

Everyone that I have spoken to, agrees on one thing: this summer has not been as hot as the previous years.  I am so happy!  Let’s hope that this trend continues until December. 

I HATE the heat and the sun.  I should live in a place where it rains all the time.  The sun actually depresses me.  

People say that California has the best weather in the nation.  So what?  The school systems sucks, the economy sucks, the way people behave here sucks!  The nice weather is not a price I am willing to pay!

/end rant

The Rain image belongs to: link to Rain

>Robbed – an Anniversary Tale

>Tomorrow will be a year since some stupid teenagers broke into my home and stole some of our belongings.

I still try to grasp what happened…how someone could just so blatantly come into our home and invade my privacy.

I always had a nagging feeling that our home might be broken into at one point.  We live in a secure area, but the feeling never went away.  My home had been robbed before while I still lived with my parents.  The whole family slept while the robbers took a lot of our stuff.  Nothing happened to us.  But, I always felt guilty because I felt it was my fault that our home was targeted.  During the hours before the burglary, a window that led into the house broke.  I was at home sick when this happened.  I didn’t want to get up to close the window even though the day was super windy.  I didn’t get up out of sheer laziness.  Can you guess how the burglars broke into our home?  The days and months after the robbery were pure hell.  The family was going through some difficult times that led to the family leaving our home and moving to California.

I wonder what would have happened if our home hadn’t been robbed?  Would I be here today or in another place?

Regardless of what the answer might be, I always fell on the edge.  I feel like something might happen. 

Being robbed strips you away your sense of security.  Your sanctuary gone!  The place where you feel at ease becomes a prison.

Funny how most of the important the things the robbers take can never be replaced.

I lost custom jewelry that was given to me during important times.  These pieces cannot be remade as the places have gone out of business.

To add insult to this outrage, the robbers took away my first dog’s ashes.  I guess they though they box contained jewelry.  FUCKERS!!

By the way, calling the cops did nothing.

HOLY SHIT HORATIO CANE…the officer could not be bothered to take fingerprints.  Her excuses, “Oh we can’t take fingerprints off of that..oh you guys must have touched that so I can’t get fingerprints because yours will be there.”  – God I hate the city where I live.  I always knew everyone here was stuck up and uncaring.  This proved me right.

I guess we weren’t important enough to make the extra fucking effort or to send someone competent.  Trust me, the city where I live is a MAJOR tourist magnet so I know our cops are capable of doing a decent job.

So here I am…a year later…a year older…a year more in debt thanks to these assholes. 

Nothing has changed.

I still have that nagging feeling.