Worst Blogger Ever!

Last time I was here, I was about to enjoy time off before I had to take the last class for my major.  There was a post about a trip to Ohio and then this place went silent.  This was not my intention.  A lot of things have happened in a year.  When I wrote those posts, I was pregnant with the Ketus.  It was a rough pregnancy.  But, my wonderful little girl, was born healthy in October of 2015.  Being a mom to three kids is not easy.  In the middle of the pregnancy, I still had to function and complete school.  FullEclipse traveled for work during this time too.  It was a cluster fuck.

But I am back!

Back to rant.

Back to say what I need to say.

I hope I was missed.

>Bruised!!!

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A Setback In Life

FullEclipse lost his job last Thursday.  Because of what might happen next with his union, I can’t really go into specifics.  Even if I could, I wouldn’t do it.  Let’s just say it was an underhanded move.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were hectic.  My mind  went into worst case scenario thinking.  Part of it is true.  We are losing our health insurance along with a nice pay.  My worry is and will always be my mental health.  So much work has gone into making me somewhat normal.  Today I went into Dr. Absolution’s office with the idea of weaning off my medications.  Thankfully, I can go see him once a month as a cash patient.  Crisis averted.

The question is, where to go from here?  Obviously, FullEclipse is looking for a new job.  He is not sitting down waiting for things to happen even if the lay off made him really upset.  He wants to move on.

This setback will drain our savings account.  Let’s hope we have enough to get us through the rough patch.  We are lucky because we don’t pay rent.

I don’t know what the next month will be like, especially with K2 and my birthday coming up.  The trip in December is now on hold even though the tickets are paid.  So much is up in the air.  I hate not being in control.

One thing is for sure, we are “Ks” and we will get through it.

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Worst Blogger Ever

Seriously, there is so much going on in my head.  When I drive or interact with the world, subjects pop in in my head.  Yet, I can’t seem to find the time to sit down to write these thoughts down.  The worst part of it all is that I have some small breaks to blog even during my school time.  Maybe the fear of “sounding” stupid keeps me from putting my thoughts out there.  This fear should not prevent me from writing.  This blog is for therapeutic reasons as well as reaching out to others who may be going through the same issues.  Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, and WordPress are great tools.

I am going to try to be more present.  The Internet has provided me with a platform to express myself.

So, what is stopping me?

 

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My First Car Accident

Back in October, I wrote about my first car UNO.  I had given him up for a bigger car a Mazda Tribune AKA The Reid.  The damn car was supposed to be reliable, except it was a piece of crap.  When we buy a used car, FullEclipse and I always choose to get an extended warranty.  Even if the car comes from a dealer, you never know what could happen.

One of the first issues the car had (yes, I will strip the name The Reid) was the gas cap light coming on for no reason.  The dealer reset the light.  But, if the car displayed the light again, I was to bring it it for testing.  Care to guess what happened next?  The light came on.  I took the Mazda back to the dealer.  There was an issue with a pump.  The piece needed to be replaced.  For a $100.00 copay, a gas cap with labor was not a bad deal.  Well…the warranty did not cover that piece.  We paid $225.00 out of pocket to change the gas cap.  The dealer took its sweet time fixing it.  While the car was in the shop, Packzi, FullEclipse, and I got very sick.  Picking up the car took another extra two days.  So, I was without a car for two weeks.  I bought the car at the end of October and drove it for about two weeks before dropping it off with the dealer.

Once I got the Mazda back on the 30th of November, I went on my routine.  Monday, December the 3rd was an ordinary day.  On Tuesday, Paczki had her first recital.  For logistical reasons, I dropped FullEclipse off at work to avoid having to take an extra car to the recital.  My parents would pick him up while I took Paczki.

During the drive, things weren’t right.  FullEclipse asked me if I was okay.  I said yes.  Normally I get nervous if he is in the car with me while I drive.  As I dropped him off at work, I noticed that I wasn’t feeling right and that I needed to get a grip on my driving because my kids depend on me for my safety.  From that moment, I was extra careful with my driving.  I was on high alert.

I dropped Packzi off.  K2 was in the car with me.  I was making a right hand turn when the steering wheel locked on me.  It would not move.  It was completely locked.  I remember thinking, “this is what happens in my dreams.  I don’t have control of the car.”  My next thought was, “I am going over the median.”  Everything happened in slow motion.  I was very calm.  There were no screams as I was going over the bushes and into oncoming traffic.  The area is heavily congested.  We have county and federal offices around.  At 8:00 in the morning, traffic is horrible.  I knew I would hit a car coming my way.  Yet, the cars were stopped by the red light at the end of the street.  I could not believe it.  It really felt like an out of body experience.

Once the car stopped, I called FullEclipse.  How do you tell your husband that you had an accident but that you were okay?  I told him that I couldn’t control the car.  He asked me to turn off the engine.  The steering wheel unlocked.  I was able to back up into the courthouse where FullEclipse and I got married.  I called my mom because she needed to pick up FullEclipse since he didn’t have the car.

I called AAA.  FullEclipse arrived and we went to the dealer.

More on their answer later!!

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Twenty Years Ago – School!

It was a Monday afternoon.  We had been in the country for a little over three weeks when we realized that I needed to go to school.  We didn’t know what to do.  One night, my parents took me to night school to learn the language.  Because of my age, they said I needed to go to regular school.

So, on Monday, my dad drove me to the local high school to enroll after I had to take some tests at the school district offices.  They needed to see where I would needed to placed.  Much to my happiness, I tested at a 12th grade.  Sadly, the lack of English skills sent me back to repeat the 9th grade.  Yes, I was in 10th grade when I moved up here.

After submitting all the paperwork the school needed, the counselor told me it was time to say goodbye to my dad.  School would begin right away.  WAIT A MINUTE!!  Why?  Didn’t I need school supplies?  Nope!  It was time to go.  My dad gave me some money for lunch.  I didn’t have anything before leaving the house.  With a $20.00 bill in my pocket and not much else, I was given a schedule.  One girl took me to a cart outside the cafeteria to buy food.

The following memory will forever be in my mind.  As I handed the $20.00 to the lady she said in a very rude voice (she spoke my language), “we don’t take $20.00 bills.  Read the sign.  You don’t get lunch today.”

From there on, I knew I had to learn the language to show this lady.

I was so hungry.

The bell rang and off to my class I went.

The culture clash was very interesting.  It sounds so bad, but the type of ESL students that were in the class were the type of people I would never hang out with.  They came from different backgrounds.  But it didn’t matter.  Here I was – poor and very lost.  It was a humbling experience for which I will be grateful for my entire life.

The first few days were very hard.  I had to learn to move from class to class.  I had to get a locker and a *gasp* a lock – which, by the way, got stuck.  If it hadn’t been for a nice girl, I would still be stuck in that locker room trying to get my PE uniform out.

A funny thing happened.  I thrived as the days, weeks, months, and years went by.  I learned the language.  Within two years, I moved out of the ESL classes.  I actually graduated with honors.  I was one of the top 100 students in the school district.

Back then it was so hard to see the good.  I felt poor, out of place (I still do), homesick, and physically ill.  The first three months of school were a constant battle with colds.  I had a cold every two weeks or so!

After school, my dad picked me up and we had Chinese food.

That place is now a doughnut shop.

So much has changed in twenty years.  I am married (for the second time) with two wonderful children.  I still have the weight struggles that I had then.

At the same time, two things remain the same.  First, I am STILL in school.  Second, I still love to do homework with only minimal lighting.  The first few months in the country were spent in a garage sleeping on a cold floor.  I did homework by the only lamp that gave us light.  I hunched over to get my assignments completed.  I still prefer to do that!

I should have had Chinese food with dad to celebrate the anniversary, but having the kids made the day so much sweeter.

>Funny things you see

Twenty Years – Part 2

This is it!

Twenty years ago today on a Thursday morning, I moved to the United States.  Wow!  Writing the number down seems so surreal.  Like this is someone else’s life, not mine.  Part of me still feels like a scared fourteen year old who knew little about the road I would have to travel to get to a point where I felt at ease.

There was no anxiety – just sadness.  Everything and everyone I knew would be left behind.  It was only supposed to be a temporary move, but I still felt a sense of loss.

FullEclipse asked me yesterday why I sound so morose when I mention September 23, especially when my life is great.  I have two great kids, dogs, and even if we owe money and lost our home, we are still a family.  He is right.  It isn’t about sulking at all.  I never really had a chance to mourn what I left behind.  It’s the feeling of “what-if?” that always gets me.  It’s a feeling you really can’t really describe.

I remember my grandparents waving us goodbye at the airport.  I still get frustrating just thinking about waiting for my mom’s brother to pick us up at the airport.  I can still picture the big highways…the smells…the tour of the town…the feelings of what the hell just happened to me…driving by the house where we would stay and my thoughts of, “I can’t live here!”….the smells…the billboards…more sights and more smells…to this day, the smell of Palmolive brings back the memories of the day.

Not knowing the language posed such a problem for me.  Also, the state.  I am not a fan of California.

Normally the date doesn’t make me feel this way.  But since it is a 20/10/5, the date takes on a new meaning.  Just taking stock of it all, here is a small list of things that happened in the first 20:

  • A year after the move, my parents stayed.
  • Five years: I was about to celebrate my first year dating anniversary with my ex.
  • 10 years: first marriage
  • 15 years: my Paczki is born.  The beauty this girl showed me is something I cherish every day.
  • 20 years: I go back to school, learn to drive, and realize that I have been battling my weight for about 20 years as well.

Today, at 8:00 a.m. – the exact time when our airplane landed twenty years ago – I was dropping my daughter off at school.  I smiled because life does come full circle.  I am home!

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Why I Should Not Give a Fuck

The reason for having a blog is to put as much of myself as I possibly can.

Maybe I can gather insight into my woes or just release the negativity.

But lately, it feels like something is holding me back.  People from my past read this blog.  The same who hated me and said some shitty things about me.  To say they want me to suffer and live a horrible life is really putting it nicely.  I don’t have a doubt in my mind that they enjoy my anxiety.  Anything else that happens is just extra sweet.

FullEclipse and I have been hitting a rough spot in the last two weeks.  It began with something silly which escalated into a big blow out.  Things are working out.  But it would have been so nice to talk about them here.

I told FullEclipse how I felt about not sharing my thoughts on the matter.  He told me to just share how I feel.  That the people from my past can go fuck themselves since they don’t matter.

And he is right.

They don’t matter.

So why am I still worried of what they say?

After all these years, do I still want to be liked by them?  It’s too late.

And I have a much richer life.

Despite my setbacks, my life is great.  I got a roof over my head, a husband who loves me, two children, and my dogs.

So, I should not give a fuck.

I really shouldn’t.

and I am going to try to blog more personal stuff.

This is my space – not theirs.

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