I almost used Gwyneth Paltrow’s famous phrase of “consciously uncoupling” in the title of this post. It would go so well with my obsession of Hollywood stars. The post will not be as scary as I think it will be because this is a serious matter.
Or so I think…
…No, it really is.
Here is a little bit of background:
For a long time I refused to seek professional help for my anxiety. One of the reasons behind my stubbornness was fact that I did not want to be medicated for the rest of my life. It wasn’t until I almost stopped going outside my house that I had to reasses my beliefs. With the help of Dr. How I Met Your Mother, Dr. Backstreet Boy, and Dr. Inception, I found a combination of medications that worked.
But, there was always a nagging feeling. I could not shake the feeling that being on medication for the rest of my life was something I did not want to do unless it was necessary. Finding out the answer required a lot thinking and hard work from my doctors.
I always meant to ask the medication question to all my doctors. Perhaps I did at one point. I just do not remember. Obviously, nothing came of it since our focus was to get me better. With Dr. Redemption things are different. The goal is to continue with my recovery.
A week ago, Dr. Redemption and I talked about weaning off medication to see if I can live without pills. I had to talk to him about it. He listened to what I had to say and we are going to give it a try to see how things go. There is a plan in motion. Dr. Redemption is going to monitor my progress until we get the answers I need. If my anxiety returns, then we will know for sure it was something in my brain. The what-ifs will be gone. I will be okay with taking medication for the rest of life.
I am scared. However, this is something I have to do. I want to have another child. The idea of being on anything during the pregnancy scares me. The thought of being lost in my anxiety must be addressed as soon as possible – before I get pregnant.
The next weeks will be a heck of a ride. The ride that I hope will lead me to more self discovery or more medication depending on how fucked up my brain is.