Germs…germs…and Marriage

I have said it over and over that even I am getting sick of hearing it.

But I love FullEclipse.

However, I do not love it when he gets sick and shares the germs with the rest of the family.  Sharing is caring.  Sharing germs is just a douche move 🙂

FullEclipse did not intentionally give us his cold.  Actually, it was the flu along with some sort of infection.  For the most part, he tried to stay away from us.  But, because of our close quarters, I ended up getting sick.  K2 soon followed.  Last week was just miserable.  Between the chills, the fever, and the crying (all from me), I had to make sure Paczki was in school and K2 was comfortable enough to rest.  We had some long nights.  FullEclipse helped a great deal at night.

Things are coming slowly back to normal.  K2 is fully recovered.  I am still very tired.  My tonsils are swollen.  Swallowing hurts and I am coughing half a lung at night.  Not a pretty sight at all!

What annoys me is that I had a plan to work out.  My start day was last Monday.  It didn’t happen since I was sick as a dog.  Today, it is not looking good either.  FullEclipse tells me it will take about two weeks to feel normal.  Bleh!  At least there is an end in sight even if the end looks like a treadmill.  Bleh again!!

On a positive note, the laundry is folded and put away.  My schoolwork for last week was submitted just in time to start the new school week.  Paczki is on vacation so no crazy driving!

Life…so simple at times!

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Milestones for the K Kids

I am not a goo goo ga ga kind of mom.  Normally, I tend not to play with my kids.  It is not that I do not try to play.  But I just cannot seem to relate.  FullEclipse thinks this happens because I am an only child.  Out of all the cousins on my mom’s side of the family, I am also the oldest.  To add to my crazy mothering, being surrounded by adults made me behave like one from an early age.  My expectations for how kids should behave is based upon my experiences.

But two things are true:

  1. I love Paczki and K2 more than anything in this world.
  2. Celebrating their milestones is a huge deal.

I love being there for my kids when something big comes up.  Packzi’s first day of school, first trip to Disney, first time in an airplane, etc.  The list goes on.  I want my kids to look back and see that even if I was not a goo goo ga ga mom, I was there for them no matter what.

Today will be the first milestone I miss for Paczki and I am very unhappy.  Packzi is on her first field trip.  Because K2 has been sick, I could not go to her school to see her get on the bus.  This is huge!  There is nothing that I can do about it.  K2 needs me.

To make it up to Paczki, I will take her to her favorite bakery.  I think some cupcakes are in order.  Or maybe a nice hot chocolate from McDonald’s.

Just something that says, “Good job kid!”

One of the mom’s will try to take a picture of Paczki.  It is not the same, but it is a start.

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Self Esteem Issues

I know I have mentioned this before, but I truly have a fucked view of myself.  I do not like how I look.  I have gained most of the weight I lost nine years ago.  The weight I lost nine months ago is coming back.

Meanwhile, I compare myself to people from my past who have lost weight.  I feel like crap because what I see in the mirror is an image of ugly.

This leaves me into a tailspin of hatred and doubt.  I end up eating and hating myself for stuffing myself.

I am miserable because I cannot accept me for who I am.

FullEclipse tells me he loves me no matter what.  But it is hard to believe when you are your own worst enemy.

Typing this is so painful because people from my past read this blog.  I know they are loving my misery.  But I say this to them, FUCK YOU.  If you knew half of the stuff I have to endured, you would see things very differently.

Right now I feel like I am in a crossroads.  I can turn it around.  I want to feel great about myself.

I am just at a loss on how to start.  Every time I have a start date, something happens.

Slow steps.

Slow and steady got me through.

My doctors are there to help me.

My husband is there to help me.

The rest of the world can suck it if they hate me!

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Single Parents

Very few things in life impress me.  This makes me sound like a total ass, but it is true.  In the era of digital information and with my only child upbringing, things just do not seem that important.  I have it all.

Yet, after this week, I cannot give enough praise to single parents and what they do alone.

FullEclipse came with a nasty cold.  Well, we thought it was a cold.  After three days of misery, the doctor finally saw him.  He has a bacterial infection.

Because FullEclipse was sick, I was in charge of the kids.  From getting them up to getting Packzi to school.  This is my routine, but now having his help at night really put me in a very bad position with school and other house chores.  The laundry is piling up.  No groceries in the fridge.  Even with my parents help, the kids overwhelm me.  They know they can dish out their energy among three people.  At the end of the day, I was exhausted.

There are two single mothers in one of my classes.  I cannot imagine what they do everyday to get their work done.  School, work, and kids.  They have nothing but my respect.

I am so lucky to have my husband and parents to help me.

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Having a Cold Sucks

There is so much to talk about.  I just don’t know why I go into hiding.  I enjoy blogging.  Maybe it is because I feel like my writing is not good enough.  Then again, I do it for the therapy and not the writing accolades.

The kids gave me a cold.  I swear children’s germs can bring down a country!  It is a small cold but it bothers me.  For as long as I can remember, colds were one of my least favorite things in the world.  Let’s hope it goes away soon!

Right now, I should be doing homework.  This semester feels so bleh.  There was a major shitty incident that I cannot talk about yet that put me into yet another funk.  But I decided that once things are settled, I will jus open up more and talk about stuff that happened in my first marriage.  I have been far too nice.  It is time for me to just let it all go into cyberspace.

So, if you are one of my ex-in-laws, be ready to read things you might not like.  Why you still have an interest in me is puzzling.  Just let me go or contact me if you have any questions.  Let me be.

Bye for now!

A history of Operating Systems awaits me.  How can I make that paper interesting?

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