The Sunday Blues

I hate Sunday afternoons.

I hate them with a fucking passion.

They make me extremely sad.  My mind goes to the worst places.  All of my fears materialize.

When I was little, I lived with my grandma and grandpa because my parents had to work and study.  Even though my mom and dad would come every day for a bit to see me, I still couldn’t understand why I could not live with them.  Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were the days I spent with my parents.  Sunday afternoon would be the time when I would be back with my grandparents.  It was so bad.

Then FullEclipse…the days after my ex asked for divorce, the loneliness of it all.

As I prepare for my next chapter in recovery, I can’t help but feel the same dread getting all over my body.  Adding to this is the fact that I have so much to do before Thursday.  Laundry, kids, homework, etc.

Breathe.

It is just another day.

I don’t have to cry anymore.  Everything is in place.

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Two Very Young People Affected By Cancer

Through the grapevine that Facebook has become, I have heard of two people I know being affected by cancer.

The first was the son of an old Chicago friend.  FullEclipse and the spouse of this friend had a fallout.  But, I still kept in touch with the wife via Facebook.  One day I read her 19 year old son passed away after a very brief battle with cancer.  I still can’t process it because I remember the kid as this little guy playing XBox with FullEclipse.

Today I heard that an old Barista of mine had another relapse with cancer.  She has been fighting this disease since she was a little girl.  Now in her mid twenties, the monster has invaded her brain.

I am shaken and upset.

So many young people are affected by cancer.  What is going on in this world?

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Queen Ink

I finally got one of my bucket items sort of crossed off!

After many years of going back and forth, I got the courage to get a tattoo.  I did not want to get something for the hell of it.  This tattoo needed to have some meaning, especially with my anxiety.  Thanks to Pinterest and a few friends who know Hebrew, my head was filled with ideas.  Dr. Inception knew about this idea.  She liked it.

There is a tattoo parlor near my work.  I drive by it every now and then.  Google and Yelp gave it great reviews.  I called and the vibe was great.  One of the artist would have  a few hours to kill since he had a cancelled appointment.   My idea was to go at around one while K2 napped and Paczki was at work (no school for her today).  Well, the day dragged on.  It was so busy.  At around 3:30, I knew I couldn’t make it since my parents had other things to do.  As luck would have it (thanks to K2), my parents were able to take the kids and still run their errands.  It worked out great.  Once again, thank you K2!

Without much thought, I got into my car, put on the Wicked Soundtrack, and drove to the tattoo shop.  I was very nervous.  The last thing I wanted was an anxiety attack.  My mind kept going on about how I could never make it to Chicago…that my body would not even let me get on an airplane…that I was an failure.  Nevertheless, I made it to the place.  It was a clean place with a great vibe.  After a few minutes, the girl at the front desk introduced me to Mr. M (new nickname).  He asked me some questions and gave me the price.  I said, “go for it!” I almost got a second tattoo, but Mr. M wanted me to try one out first.  I waited for what seemed forever.  Once he put the “sticker/outline” on my right wrist, I knew this would be great.

I sat down with Mr. M.  He began to work.  I won’t lie, it was painful.  It wasn’t as bad as I expected on most areas.  The most painful places are the areas where there is no skin.  The whole thing took about ten minutes.  Mr. M was great for conversation.  I searched for the tattoo parlor on Facebook.  It turns out, I got my tattoo done by one of the best artists.

Here is a picture of the tattoo.  It will look better once it heals:

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The meaning is this:

“It is a reminder of who I am. The semi colon means that I choose to continue to live despite my anxiety and fucked up issues. I do not end in a period.   I move on!  The drawing is the chemical serotonin.  It is related to anxiety and depression.  So, the meaning is that I choose to continue and that all I need to be calm is already in me (serotonin).”

I am hooked!  I loved the experience.  There are plans for at least another tattoo with some Hebrew letters.  It will also have some deep meaning.  If all goes well, three more tattoos will follow.

I am on a fucking high!!!

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My First Car Accident

Back in October, I wrote about my first car UNO.  I had given him up for a bigger car a Mazda Tribune AKA The Reid.  The damn car was supposed to be reliable, except it was a piece of crap.  When we buy a used car, FullEclipse and I always choose to get an extended warranty.  Even if the car comes from a dealer, you never know what could happen.

One of the first issues the car had (yes, I will strip the name The Reid) was the gas cap light coming on for no reason.  The dealer reset the light.  But, if the car displayed the light again, I was to bring it it for testing.  Care to guess what happened next?  The light came on.  I took the Mazda back to the dealer.  There was an issue with a pump.  The piece needed to be replaced.  For a $100.00 copay, a gas cap with labor was not a bad deal.  Well…the warranty did not cover that piece.  We paid $225.00 out of pocket to change the gas cap.  The dealer took its sweet time fixing it.  While the car was in the shop, Packzi, FullEclipse, and I got very sick.  Picking up the car took another extra two days.  So, I was without a car for two weeks.  I bought the car at the end of October and drove it for about two weeks before dropping it off with the dealer.

Once I got the Mazda back on the 30th of November, I went on my routine.  Monday, December the 3rd was an ordinary day.  On Tuesday, Paczki had her first recital.  For logistical reasons, I dropped FullEclipse off at work to avoid having to take an extra car to the recital.  My parents would pick him up while I took Paczki.

During the drive, things weren’t right.  FullEclipse asked me if I was okay.  I said yes.  Normally I get nervous if he is in the car with me while I drive.  As I dropped him off at work, I noticed that I wasn’t feeling right and that I needed to get a grip on my driving because my kids depend on me for my safety.  From that moment, I was extra careful with my driving.  I was on high alert.

I dropped Packzi off.  K2 was in the car with me.  I was making a right hand turn when the steering wheel locked on me.  It would not move.  It was completely locked.  I remember thinking, “this is what happens in my dreams.  I don’t have control of the car.”  My next thought was, “I am going over the median.”  Everything happened in slow motion.  I was very calm.  There were no screams as I was going over the bushes and into oncoming traffic.  The area is heavily congested.  We have county and federal offices around.  At 8:00 in the morning, traffic is horrible.  I knew I would hit a car coming my way.  Yet, the cars were stopped by the red light at the end of the street.  I could not believe it.  It really felt like an out of body experience.

Once the car stopped, I called FullEclipse.  How do you tell your husband that you had an accident but that you were okay?  I told him that I couldn’t control the car.  He asked me to turn off the engine.  The steering wheel unlocked.  I was able to back up into the courthouse where FullEclipse and I got married.  I called my mom because she needed to pick up FullEclipse since he didn’t have the car.

I called AAA.  FullEclipse arrived and we went to the dealer.

More on their answer later!!

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Introducing Dr. Socks!!!

The rumors are true.  I have another therapist.  Well, this one is for FullEclipse and I.  We are in counseling together.  Now, before my lovely ex family begins to jump with the “told you so!,” this is not the case of divorce or anything bad.  In fact, I see nothing but positive things coming out of our sessions.  FullEclipse agrees with me 100%.

But, how did we get there?  FullEclipse joined me during some of my sessions with Dr. Backstreet Boy to give him a different take on how I was feeling and doing with my sessions.  Some issues came up where Dr. Backstreet Boy could not weigh in because he was my doctor.  He knows what makes me tick.  He suggested we see a counselor to work out on our issues.  Time passed and we never followed up on the suggestion until Dr. Inception came in.  She was trying to get us a counselor.  FullEclipse joined us in a session right before Christmas.  It was obvious that our communication skills really need some polishing.  The doctor finally called me.  We had our first appointment last week.  It was a great start.  I am very happy and so is my husband.

Since I blog about my doctors, I like to keep their privacy.  So far I think they are pleased with my nicknames.  Dr. Inception was by far the hardest one to name.  The new therapist was easy because he was wearing the coolest socks in the world.  They were stripes but matched the outfit he was wearing – not an easy thing to do!  The fact that FullEclipse noticed the socks sealed the deal with the nickname.

Welcome to my madness Dr. Socks!

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I Bit the Fucking Bullet….

….and booked a trip to Chicago!

Yes, I put it on credit and it sucked!

When are FullEclipse and I going to be debt free?

But, it is time for me to conquer one of my biggest fears.  This is the “Madre de Dios” or Mother of God challenge.  Dr. Inception has been encouraging me to finally face my anxiety…to grab my fears by the balls.  She has confidence on my abilities to overcome my panic attacks.  As far as conquering fears go, this is the one thing on my list.  Dr. Backstreet Boy got me to drive on the freeway with the family.  We didn’t have a chance to make it on the airplane.  It is time even if I don’t feel ready.  I can’t let my progress stall.  It has been seven years since I flew.  And you know what really makes my blood boil?  I loved airplanes.  The taking off…the feeling of being free.  At one point, I wanted to take a job where I could travel often.

So, in about three and a half weeks, I will be boarding a plane to go back home.  Yes, Chicago feels like home.  The city is like the one great love that was never meant to be.  Traveling alone is sad because FullEclipse, Packzi and K2 are going to stay home.  It cannot be Chicago without my soul mate and our evil imps!  Dr. Inception and I think that traveling alone is good for the first time back on an airplane  My anxiety will not be in high gear.  I don’t need the aggravation combined with how I feel about my weight to drag me down.

I WILL STILL MISS MY FAMILY

But it is time.

And on that note, here is another fear I have to conquer – traveling with the whole family.  In the next two months, there is a trip overseas with everyone.

When I go, I go big even if I fall from really high.

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