Weighty Issues Yet Again

It has been almost eight months since I began yet another journey in my 20+ year battle with my weight.  The first four months went so great.  I lost 27 lbs.  Then one of my sisters-in-law came from Chicago to visit us and meet K2.  Things in the food department went bad.  It isn’t anyone’s fault but my own.  I regret nothing because we all had a good time.  It was nice to bond my Chicago family.  I think I had more interaction with my sister-in-law in a week than I ever did with my ex sister-in-law.  It was refreshing to say the least.

So, after gaining 6 lbs, the battle to lose them and to get back on track has been so difficult.  I am at a loss as to what to do.  I gotta fit in exercise somewhere in my schedule.  Did I ever mention how much I loathe exercise?  I count calories, but I always end up overeating during the weekend which does nothing but make me gain.

Adding to this anxiety is the fact that next December, I have a wedding to go to in my home country.  I haven’t been there in over eight years.  I was skinny then.  The pressure is on.

FullEclipse just wants me to be happy with how I look.  I feel like crap because I am nothing like the woman he met.  He says that he loves me no matter what.  Still…I should look like I did many years ago.

I am tired of the roller coaster that is my weight.  Something needs to snap again.  This time is difficult because I don’t have the magic pills to make me less hungry.  No appetite suppressants make this journey harder!

Tomorrow will be yet another new week.  How long will I keep this “restart” my diet crap?

The “Woe is Me” Because I want a New Phone

I got my first phone about 10 years ago (see…again the 20/10/5).  It was a simple flip phone from Sprint.  This is a relic.  But it was a great phone.  It did what it was supposed to do: answer calls!  No text capabilities, but it had a nifty calculator.  Oh, that was my beloved egg.  I found it the other day.  There is a picture of it somewhere in my main computer’s hard drive.  I will try to find it.

As time went on, my cell phones changed.  But everything got better with the introduction of the Sidekick by T-Mobile.  I think this was an early shot at the android/iPhone type of phone with apps. etc.  I loved loved loved that phone.  For whatever reason, I changed it to a pink RAZOR flip phone.  You remember those?  Yeah, they were cool.  But I missed the Sidekick.  It was a great phone!!!

From there, other phones came and went.  I wanted to have the feel of the Sidekick so I went for another one.  Little did I know that the information inside it was stored in the cloud.  T-Mobile and Microsoft had an outage issue where the phone showed an error/no network connection.  Since I owned a Sidekick before, I did a reset.  It was the thing for this type of issue…except, this was not a typical issue.  My data was wiped cleaned.  I lost pictures of Paczki.

I got another T-Mobile phone.  I wore that thing down.   Then onto something else.  Finally, I got a Windows Phone.  BEST PHONE EVER.  Sadly, I washed it with some laundry last year.  Oh yeah….I didn’t back up my pictures and videos.  I lost many videos of K2.  One would think I learned my lesson with the Sidekick.  NO!!!

Because I am addicted to my phone, I couldn’t wait long enough for the new Windows 8 phone to come out so I went for a Galaxy S3.

But, something is missing.  I don’t quite feel like I have my phone….the one I could use for a while.

I am itching to get a new phone.  I found the one I want: Galaxy Note 2.  Since the new note is coming out, the Note 2 is no longer being sold.  I don’t feel like giving T-Mobile upwards of 300.00 plus payments for the Note 3.

That leaves two choices: the iPhone or a Windows Phone.  Right now, there is not a windows phone I want.  I am lukewarm on the iPhone.  Both systems will work well with my other tech devices.

NOTHING IS QUITE LIKE THE SIDEKICK OR THE FIRST WINDOWS PHONE.

The itch is still here.

I want something new.

/Woe is me

Twenty Years – Part 2

This is it!

Twenty years ago today on a Thursday morning, I moved to the United States.  Wow!  Writing the number down seems so surreal.  Like this is someone else’s life, not mine.  Part of me still feels like a scared fourteen year old who knew little about the road I would have to travel to get to a point where I felt at ease.

There was no anxiety – just sadness.  Everything and everyone I knew would be left behind.  It was only supposed to be a temporary move, but I still felt a sense of loss.

FullEclipse asked me yesterday why I sound so morose when I mention September 23, especially when my life is great.  I have two great kids, dogs, and even if we owe money and lost our home, we are still a family.  He is right.  It isn’t about sulking at all.  I never really had a chance to mourn what I left behind.  It’s the feeling of “what-if?” that always gets me.  It’s a feeling you really can’t really describe.

I remember my grandparents waving us goodbye at the airport.  I still get frustrating just thinking about waiting for my mom’s brother to pick us up at the airport.  I can still picture the big highways…the smells…the tour of the town…the feelings of what the hell just happened to me…driving by the house where we would stay and my thoughts of, “I can’t live here!”….the smells…the billboards…more sights and more smells…to this day, the smell of Palmolive brings back the memories of the day.

Not knowing the language posed such a problem for me.  Also, the state.  I am not a fan of California.

Normally the date doesn’t make me feel this way.  But since it is a 20/10/5, the date takes on a new meaning.  Just taking stock of it all, here is a small list of things that happened in the first 20:

• A year after the move, my parents stayed.
• Five years: I was about to celebrate my first year dating anniversary with my ex.
• 10 years: first marriage
• 15 years: my Paczki is born.  The beauty this girl showed me is something I cherish every day.
• 20 years: I go back to school, learn to drive, and realize that I have been battling my weight for about 20 years as well.

Today, at 8:00 a.m. – the exact time when our airplane landed twenty years ago – I was dropping my daughter off at school.  I smiled because life does come full circle.  I am home!

School Doubts

Every since I began school, there has been a nagging feeling in the back of my head that says computers are not the right career path for me.  Coming from a business background, it would make sense to complete my degree.  The truth is, I have forgotten a lot of the basic stuff from my business classes.  I know it would come back to me if I spent about three months reviewing my old books, etc.  In fact, I bought some books on Economics, Business, etc. right before going back to school.  The plan was to finish the business degree.

But, I went for a computer major: Cyber Security with a Minor in Information Systems.  The idea of finishing a business degree made me ill.  Sure, it was the path of least resistance, but my mind could not take it.  After being involved in the family business for 13+ years, I had enough.  I can’t stand it.  Dr. How-I-Met-Your-Mother made me realize that the time in the business world has given me some great experience.  I can start a business, get a loan, negotiate a lease, purchase a commercial building, do a bit of bookkeeping, HR, among other small things.  This experience, however, is just not good enough for the real world.

Since I spend a lot of time on an electronic device, the idea of doing something with computers really made sense.  After much soul searching, my path took me to my current major.

It was all good…

…until I took my first class.  The book was very difficult to understand.  Even experienced professionals in my class thought it was a bad book.  This is my second semester and I still feel uneasy about the whole thing.

Imagine knowing Italian.  That’s all you ever know.  Then, you are dropped in the middle of China.  Some people know the language.  Others know enough.  You, on the other hand, are totally lost.  That’s the feeling I get everyday.

This week was rough.  I actually thought about quitting.  But, I am giving myself another year to really get it.  If not, I will change majors.  The financial hit will be big, but I will have some computer skills which will make me more marketable.  Oddly enough, I don’t feel like a loser.  In fact, I am proud for going back to school and getting out of my comfort zone.

Part of the reason why I feel this way is the lack of time I have to really really really study.  I am pulled in some many directions that I don’t get anything accomplished.  I can’t devote my time to school and forget about the kids.  FullEclipse thinks I do that enough.  So, I give everything my best.

As I type this, I realize that there is a part of my studies that I enjoy and would love to explore: computer servers.

I will look more into the class to see where that path might take me!

Twenty Years – Part 1

Twenty years ago today I spent my last night in my home country.   I visited my country a few times since then, but nothing feels quite the same.  For all purposes, I feel American – like I always lived here.  This is my home now and I will do anything to protect it.

It seems like such a long time ago – almost like it happened to someone else but met.  To be truthful, I don’t remember much about the night at all.  I remember the feelings of uncertainty about leaving my home country behind for a future that was a big unknown.  I didn’t know where I would live or sleep.

The only thing I remember about that summer was the uncertainty of it all.  My parents were fixing their home and I had moved with my grandparents.  I never got to see the house once it was completed until many many many years later.

Tonight, I will sleep a much wiser person.  The innocence that surrounds me is the one emanating from my two kids.  I plan to keep it that way.

Things I Hear in a Psych Building

This is the second post in my three part series of things that have happened while I wait to see Dr. Inception.  This is part one: https://queenfrigidchronicles.wordpress.com/2013/09/12/things-i-see-in-a-psych-building/

I posted this observation as it was happening.  This is perhaps one of the saddest things I have witnessed so far:

I am waiting to see Dr. Inception and a teenager was escorted into the psych building where my waiting room is. It sounded like a 5150 hold since I could hear her say, “I didn’t say that…please don’t leave me here.” It broke my heart as a mom because I never want my kids to go through any mental breakdowns. As someone who suffers from a mental disease, I can understand the frustration and anger. Not many understand mental illnesses and yet so many suffer from them.

It was devastating to see the faces of everyone involved.  The girl was lost.   Her family was confused.  I don’t know what drove her to get to this point, but I hope she gets the help she needs.  I pray that my kids never go through any mental anguish.  But due to my own anxiety, their chances are higher than normal.

What was this girl’s story?  What will happen to her?

 

 

The 10 Part of My Past Relationship

My ex-husband is going to Las Vegas for his bachelor party tomorrow.

He moved out of my house – a good step for everyone!!

I am very happy for him.  In less than a month, he will be married a little over ten years after we got married.  This whole 20/10/5 thing is really surreal in a way.  Ten years ago I had no idea what my life would be like at all.  But I will say this, I married someone who I loved and cared for very much.  It just didn’t work out at all.  In a way, I think that the love we had for each other was more of a deep friendship and almost like siblings.  I asked him and he had told me as much.  We both have said at the same time, what were we thinking?

But things happen for a reason.  I am with my soul mate.  My ex is with a woman who makes him a better person.  We learned what works and doesn’t work in a relationships and that makes us better partners.  He will be a great husband.

I admit I still have a lot of work to do.  My breakup did screw me up a big deal due to my self-esteem issues.  Put anxiety in the mix and things can be tough at times.  FullEclipse is on my side no matter what.  Through good and bad times.  Do we have our issues?  You bet.  Do we work through them?  Most of the time.  We work together all the time.

So…yeah…who knew where I would be ten years ago.

Things I See in a Psych Building

This should really be a series of posts because there have been three things I have seen in my two years of therapy at the teaching hospital where my doctors and former doctors work.

Let’s start with the obvious one: a lot of people need therapy.  This goes beyond the sarcastic remarks we make whenever someone just seems off or is a tad neurotic.  This place is busy.  Who knew a large portion of us lived with some mental issue?  The statistics are out there, but it is hard to truly understand it unless you see it.

The most surprising fact is the number of young people I see there.  I don’t know if the hospital is known for specializing in kids and teens.  I just don’t see the connection.

It makes me sad to think that these kids have to struggle with their mental health.  Growing up can be difficult, especially when you reach your teens.  The awkward stages, the clichés, and everything in between.  Add mental issues and being a tween/teen can be very sucky!  Some of these kids are on some heavy medication – I can’t help but overhear sometimes.  I should be happy that these kids have the help they need; but I can’t help but feel like we are failing them.  Then again, the doctors are helping them to feel better.

Kudos to the parents who have realized their kids need medical help.  I wish my parents would have known about anxiety.  Perhaps they would have gotten me help sooner.  At least I am prepared to recognize the symptoms.  Maybe my kids will be better off having a parent like me because i know what to do if they show any signs of anxiety or depression.

 

Twenty Years Ago

It was on Monday twenty years ago that my life changed.

I don’t normally reveal too much about where I came from because I feel American.  My background should not have any bearing on how people see me.  But because this is the year of the 20/10/5, it is important to reflect upon where I cam from and where I am going.

The day after my birthday would be like any other.  It was the first day of 10th grade – high school for me.  Just before my afternoon schedule (school runs morning and afternoons), my dad told me that we were moving to the United States.  This came as a shock because he had assured me that we would stay put and that nothing would change.  I can remember what I was wearing and my fist hitting the table.  What was the point of going to school after that?  I still managed to complete a day.  But it was pointless to go back since the move was imminent.  Little did I know that it would be less than a month before I would board the plane and waved my life/childhood/memories goodbye.

Summer of 93 was rough.  So many changes….so many fights…so much angst.

In a way, that trip was the seed that would grow into my anxiety.

To be honest, it has been eight years since I traveled to my home country even though the trip is shorter than going to Chicago.  Other than a few cousins, I have nothing there.  It is so foreign to me.

Nevertheless, the feelings of hopelessness still remain buried within me.

The trust issues.

The way I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.

20 years…

And this was supposed to be a one year deal.

 

 

A Year Older

Today I celebrate my 25th birthday for the 9th time.  Do the math and you will figure out how old I am.

As I approach my mid-thirties, I can’t help but reflect on what has happened in the past 20, 10, and 5 years of my life.  There is a sense of loss because of the many opportunities I didn’t take and for the mistakes I have made along the way.

But when it all adds up, I have a wonderful family.  A great husband and two healthy kids.  My friends might be away from me and only be “online,” but they are an extension of my family.  They are there even if they cannot be physically next to me.

Even the friendships that I thought I lost…

Remember the one posting about a friend and the now spouse?  Part of my therapy is learning to forgive.

There is so much that I want to write about.

My life took a turn almost twenty years ago, just the day after my birthday.

Like I said, this is the year of the 20, 10, and 5.

Right now, I want to be quiet…

and to think

and imagine

and be thankful