550…I Beg Your Pardon????

When Packzi was accepted to the charter school, I new the transition would be difficult for everyone.  She would lose her friends of two plus years.  FullEclipse and I also had to change things to accommodate the required hours of parental participation.

Since it seems, I don’t do things half-assed, I decided to sign up for the PTA though it is called something else here.  Serving in the PTA satisfies the participation hours because it takes a lot of time to go to meetings, organize events, etc.

I wanted to do the volunteer coordinator because it seemed like the easiest job.  Come on, how difficult is it to keep track and contact people?  By the way, my PTA duties haven’t officially started and I am almost done with the hours any other parents needs to complete in a year.  This week alone has been crazy with PTA stuff.  I have been shaking a lot of hands and introducing myself, “I am…..the new volunteer coordinator.”

School for me begins on Monday.  As I was trying to grasp the events of the week, it dawned on me.  THERE ARE 550 FAMILIES IN THE SCHOOL which means I HAVE TO KEEP TRACK OF THEIR HOURS.  550 families.  The enormity of the task was clear.

So, until January when Paczki stays in school late, my days go like this:

  • Wake up and get Paczki and I ready – Thank God for FullEclipse and my mom for watching K2
  • Grab breakfast for me on the go
  • Get to school
  • Stay with Paczki for her breakfast and wait until 8:00 to make sure she is safe in her classroom.
  • Get to work
  • Take care of K2 while doing work
  • Work
  • Leave to get Paczki
  • Come back to work
  • Do lunch for me somewhere in between
  • Work
  • Pick up kid at 12:10
  • Come back to work
  • Finish work and watch kids
  • Go to the doctor whenever I have sessions
  • Get home
  • Cook dinner – beginning on Monday since I gotta lose the 5lbs I put on
  • Clean dishes
  • Trying to help Paczki with homework since FullEclipse can’t do Spanish
  • Cuddle K2
  • Homework
  • Sleep

Once the pick up for school begins at 2:10, I will be able to have more time to exercise and homework – I hope.

I am glad that FullEclipse can pick up the cooking whenever I fall behind.  He also does the laundry despite me wanting to do it.

Being busy is great, but I worry about school.

Oh and did I tell you that beside my PTA duties, I have signed up to be the room parent.  I share duties with another mom which is great because:


FullEclipse says, “no way in hell!”




Gray Hair – An Open Letter

I tried.

I really tried!

I tried to understand you.

Sure, gray hair is part of growing older.  But, when you began to show your ugliness, I was in mid-twenties.  It was not the time for you to come.  I took a deep breath after freaking out for a while.  As my 30s approached, you showed up even more and more.  Plucking worked for a while because there few of you.

Now you have sent the army and everything nasty in your arsenal.  My gorgeous brown hair is losing.

So I give up.

You seem to be taking over.

I am older yet none wiser.

Do as you must.

But if you have to be here, can you at least grow like this:


Cruella is just too divine.


Dr. Inception….

….is ripping my soul a new one!!

When my time with Dr. Backstreetboy ended, I didn’t know what to expect in terms of my therapist.  Would this person continue with cognitive therapy or go deeper into my issues?  Cognitive therapy has really helped me to cope with my anxiety, but there is still so much work to done until I feel better.  But, getting to the root of my problems is also important.  Dr.  Backstreetboy got me to a place where I could function.

Well, over the last few sessions, it has become clear that Dr. Inception is really living up to her name.

She really tries to get to the root of it all and it is exhausting mentally and emotionally.

If you were to look at her, you would probably think that she is easy going in her sessions like Dr. How I Met Your Mother.  While Dr. Inception is nice, she is very smart and in a way stern.  She has challenged my notions and given me another way to look at things.

I don’t think I have been this open with anyone.

And it is scary!

I feel like she opens my chest, tears my soul apart and puts it back in.  Don’t get me wrong, I need it.  I am not just used to this type of emotional roller coaster.

Yesterday, I came home and felt like crying.  Dr. Inception put something in perspective about bonding with people.  It clicked.  Maybe my body needed a good cry.

But then I fell asleep – no crying!

There is so much I still have to do – travel on an airplane….get out of the country on a trip.  These things are part of what I am working on with Dr. Inception.   On top of that, getting to my deep rooted issues.

I sense a lot of emotions coming my way.

Let’s hope I can navigate through them all.



OMG I fell and It Hurt!!!

I have joked about being the Patron Saint for Stupid Injuries in the past.

This trend continues. Take my lemon zest grating fiasco the same day I burned my knuckle trying to take a waffle out of the toaster.

Sometimes I wonder how I can make it through the day without seriously inuring myself.

Well, the day happened and let me tell you – it sucked!

Since my doctors practice out of the same hospital where FullEclipse works, it makes sense to wait for him when my appointments end at 5:00 p.m. My psychiatrists sessions run that late so every week or so, FullEclipse and I come home together.

He parks his car in a lot across from the hospital.  It is not a long walk, but I try to wear shoes that will not kill me.  Let’s just say, FullEclipse says I can’t walk on heels – he is so right!.

Yesterday, I was wearing wedges.  They had a platform, but are very comfortable (minus the toe sprain – yeah another accident).

For a while, I noticed that the wedges would not work right.  More than once, I lost my footing.  But nothing major!

As I walked yesterday, everything was fine.  I even made it down a ramp.  FullEclipse was walking ahead of me.  He wasn’t walking too far ahead.  We were talking about Paczki’s Build-A-Bear Order.  My last sentence was, “Oh you should hear about the drama behind that…”  Then, my shoe gave and down I went.

My first thought and it is a fucked up one “OH MY GOD!  ONLY FAT PEOPLE FALL!!”

Second thought, “Did my iPad Mini Break?”

FullEclipse, “Oh shit baby, are you okay?”

After that, everything went to hell.

I couldn’t stand up.  My body had a very weird reaction once FullEclipse pulled up the car:  I felt queasy, my head hurt, I heard buzzing sounds, I saw different shades, and anxiety kicked in.  The ride back home was one of the longest trips or so it felt.  For a while, I thought I was going to faint and die.

I never felt anything like it before.  It was scary.

The knee scrapes hurt.  They are still not healing as much as I would want them to.  My foot is sore and so is my arm.

I am glad nothing major happened.

Dr. FullEclipse wants me to give up my heels because I can’t walk on them.


Off the Wagon – Bleh

Today’s word: recovery.

It has been over two months since I fell off the wagon with my diet.  Ever since the trip to San Francisco, things haven’t been all that great with my food intake at all.   If you add the stress, fights, and summer with kids, the result is 5 unwanted pounds.

Also on my recovery list is my anxiety.  I almost had an attack a few days ago.  It was a wake up call of sorts.

My mind and body are falling out of synch.

Over a year of therapy plus 25 pounds lost (before the gain) cannot go down the toilet because of a few set backs.

So, what is the plan?

Losing weight will take a while because I have to slowly lower my calorie intake.  I have it under control for now.  Exercise will come at one point.  That is the key and hardest part.

For the anxiety? More exposure to stressful situations and a long conversation with Dr. Inception today.

I hate feeling this way: lost.

At least I have the tools to overcome the feelings.


One Week & Paczki Becomes a Kindergartener!

I become one of those cliche moms who have the need to talk about their kids.

Actually, in real life, I try not to say too much unless it is something major like what is about to happen in a week.

Paczki will begin her life as kindergartener in seven days.  This is a major change for her.  While Paczki was used to being a a classroom setting thanks to her stint in Catholic Pre-School, the school is the opposite of what she knows.

After a lot of research, meetings, more research, and a lottery, Paczki got accepted to a dual immersion school.  She was very lucky to have gotten into a great charter school that puts education, the arts, technology, and language as the core of their mission.  From the moment I went to visit the school, I knew this would be the right fit.  Kids were actually exercising!  I could go on and on about the school, but I am missing the point.

What was my point?  Oh yeah, Paczki is a Kindergartner!

It seems like it was just yesterday when we dropped her off at her Pre-School.  It was a cold January morning.  Now, she will begin school during a sunny day.

From being a shy girl to Miss Bossy Pants at her old school – the changes keep happening.

And it makes me very nostalgic.

Because my little girl is no longer the baby I held in my arms.

But, the future is bright even if it breaks my heart.

Watching her flourish in this new school will be an adventure.


Group Projects Suck




One of the wonderful horrible experiences of school are team projects.

My dislike for these assignments has made me drop out of classes even though I had great grades going into the final project.  Generally, I tend to shy away from people – especially in school.  My thinking is very egotistical, but I tend to go with the majority of the votes.  So, I end up with a project that doesn’t really do it for me.

Going back to school has forced me to work with groups.

I figured since most of us are adults, we  could really work together to get things done, right?

Well, I guess some people still don’t care.

There is a group project for one of my classes.  No final, just a group project.  We have large group – ten people.  Out of those ten, only about six of us really worked on the project.  The only feedback we got from the rest of the pack was, “great job!” Can I say how annoying that is?  I did a roll call to see who was present and nothing.  I emailed the professor and got no feedback.

Whatever…the project is done.

The six of us pulled the weight of everyone else.  I guess this is better than nothing.

I hope (yeah right!) that this was just a one time event and that things get better from now on.


Fading Friendships

It would be safe for anyone to say that I don’t have many friends.

Let me recap the last few years/decades:

I graduated high school and lost touch with a lot of my friends:

My plan was to study overseas so why bother?

I met my ex husband and became so obsessed with his friendships that I forsook my own.

The ex got the friends in the divorce.  After all, they were his friends even though I tried to fit in.

FullEclipse doesn’t have many friends either.

I didn’t drive.

My anxiety go the best of me so no outings.

The K Kids were born.

Most of my acquaintances are from boards, groups, and Facebook.  Some of them have actually become very dear to me.  The feeling is mutual, but the distance between us sucks.  Oddly enough, they feel close enough where I can interact with them.

Out of the few people that I know: some have moved out, others have kids, and the rest…


this is about the rest.

This all happened almost a year ago on my birthday.

To sum it up: I was used to ignite a fight between a couple.  Some things needed to come up and one of the parties involved didn’t have the guts to bring it up with the other.  Instead this person lied about me, the other must have defended me.  You can imagine the rest.  Needless to say, my small birthday gathering was turned to shit because I was very worried about one person.

I was in fact worried for a while.

I am not very upset about the party.

I am furious at the lie.

I did nothing but help this person and he/she turns it around.

I almost cut off communication with the other person, but I had known him/her for a few years now.


The friendship was left on shaky grounds.  I did not like the other person.  But my friend is in love.  I knew not to get involved though by the fight, I was too late for that one.

As time went on, I began to asses the value of my friendship.  Things that were quirks of my friends became really annoying.

The always so busy crap.

When we went out, FullEclipse and I would pay – now, I don’t care about the money because we truly cared for them.  I am upset at the fact that we were not even invited for dinner to their place.

The texts that would go unanswered.

I just can’t deal with it anymore.

I should confront my friend and say something.

But she/he will most likely say, “well you have anxiety and I did everything by the books.”

Well, yeah.

But this person benefited from that.

In the form of a free meal.

In the form of contacting me whenever it was convenient for him/her.

I have two things that I have to see through with this couple.

After that, I am pretty much done.

I don’t want to miss out on these engagements because I already said I would do it.

If I miss them, the other person can say that I am the bad friend, etc.

I asked FullEclipse to give me his honest opinion.  He is not one to bullshit me or lie.  He said I was wrong to hold a grudge, but that I tried with this friend.

It sucks.

I don’t have that many friends.

There is so much I want to say.

But I won’t.

I get that people change, but not like this.


It will all be over soon.

>Funny things you see



Flashback to High School

I finally bit the bullet and got a membership to Costco.

Well, my mom gave it to me.

One of the cool things I found was a 50 pack box of Flammi’ Hot Cheetos.  The calorie content is not so bad so what the heck!!

I couldn’t wait to get one open.

As soon as I took the first bite, my mind took me back to Senior Year of High School.  The smell, the taste, and the red fingertips from the dye in the Cheetos.   I remembered my diet of diet coke and Cheetos.

And it was fucking magical!!!!!


Shinny Happy People

This week has been bad in terms of my relationship. FullEclipse and I had a spat which sent me into a tailspin of doubt, etc.

He had a reason to be upset. I am not upset about that per say. It was more of a delivery issue.

I am changing  and trying to improve upon the things FullEclipse was concerned about.

Yet, I am angry and frustrated.

Angry at him for not telling me before.

Frustrated because one of the things that bothers me about our relationship was sort of brushed aside with the excuse of, “we outgrew that part of our relationship.”

Ouch…that one hurt.

So, I did what I do best: flip a switch and go the other way.  The thing I craved is now something I hate.  It’s a way to cope with how I feel.

I guess it’s a way to compartmentalize my feelings.

It’s my survival mechanism.

Obviously, I am in a dark-I-will-mame-everything-the-world-sucks-sarcastic type of mood.  One of the ways I know this is by my choice of music.

If you ever hear me playing, “Shinny Happy People” by R.E.M., get away….get away from me if you enjoy happiness.  I will find a way to tear you apart.

Do you care to guess what I am listening to right now??