This one is a tough one to write.
As you might have noticed, I don’t really like myself that much.
When my kids were born, I was so relieved to see that they took after FullEclipse. Now, there is just a small part of me that is proud when they show something that came from me.
But this feeling lasts for a while because I want the K Kids not to take after me. One of the main reasons is my anxiety. My fear is that if some of my traits get passed onto them, anxiety will be on of them. The last thing I wish for my kids is for them to suffer from panic attacks. Being a sarcastic, feisty, shoe loving, gaming child is fine.
Sadly, Paczki took after me in one area – she cares too much for others and it is bound to hurt her.
Let me explain…
Paczki began gymnastics classes three weeks ago. In her last class, I noticed that she had some papers. She tucked them under her arm. My stupid brain thought, “is this part of the training? Why?” During her water break, Paczki came to me. She handed me her papers. She was so happy to tell me that those were for her friends. She made them for them as a gift.
My heart sank.
I remember doing things like that for my classmates only to be rejected. Paczki had the papers. No one took them. Now, I don’t know if her coach said to hand them out after class. All I know is that I hid them away. I had a feeling that the kids were going to throw those papers in the garbage. Worst, their moms would make them do it and it would be in front of Paczki.
I just couldn’t deal with it.
My daughter cannot suffer like that. People can be mean even if it is not intended.
After we got in the car, she told me she forgot to give out the cards. Paczki cried. Her tears were so hard for me. Paczki has such a wonderful, caring, and kind soul. Yet, I want to keep it that way.
How do I balance it all?
I told her that maybe she should give the cards to her new teachers….and that maybe the people in gymnastics didn’t want them.
She cried for a while…
Thankfully, a nice lemonade made her feel better.
What the fuck do I do?
I want her to develop a shield against people. In order to accomplish this goal, I would have to jade her.
She is only five and a half.
I do not want her to suffer nor cry for people who are not worthy of her time.
This mother thing is so hard, especially when my kids get hurt.