Oh Paczki….You Cannot Be Like Me – It’s Bad for You!

This one is a tough one to write.

As you might have noticed, I don’t really like myself that much.

When my kids were born, I was so relieved to see that they took after FullEclipse.  Now, there is just a small part of me that is proud when they show something that came from me.

But this feeling lasts for a while because I want the K Kids not to take after me.  One of the main reasons is my anxiety.  My fear is that if some of my traits get passed onto them, anxiety will be on of them.  The last thing I wish for my kids is for them to suffer from panic attacks.  Being a sarcastic, feisty, shoe loving, gaming child is fine.

Sadly, Paczki took after me in one area – she cares too much for others and it is bound to hurt her.

Let me explain…

Paczki began gymnastics classes three weeks ago.  In her last class, I noticed that she had some papers.  She tucked them under her arm.  My stupid brain thought, “is this part of the training?  Why?”  During her water break, Paczki came to me.  She handed me her papers.  She was so happy to tell me that those were for her friends.  She made them for them as a gift.

My heart sank.

I remember doing things like that for my classmates only to be rejected.  Paczki had the papers.  No one took them.  Now, I don’t know if her coach said to hand them out after class.  All I know is that I hid them away.  I had a feeling that the kids were going to throw those papers in the garbage.  Worst, their moms would make them do it and it would be in front of Paczki.

I just couldn’t deal with it.

My daughter cannot suffer like that.  People can be mean even if it is not intended.

After we got in the car, she told me she forgot to give out the cards.  Paczki cried.  Her tears were so hard for me.  Paczki has such a wonderful, caring, and kind soul.  Yet, I want to keep it that way.

How do I balance it all?

I told her that maybe she should give the cards to her new teachers….and that maybe the people in gymnastics didn’t want them.

She cried for a while…

Thankfully, a nice lemonade made her feel better.

What the fuck do I do?

I want her to develop a shield against people.  In order to accomplish this goal, I would have to jade her.

She is only five and a half.

I do not want her to suffer nor cry for people who are not worthy of her time.

This mother thing is so hard, especially when my kids get hurt.

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My p-sychiatrist has a Nickname!!!

Alas, the elusive nickname has come to me!!!

Here is a bit of background on how the moniker came about:

Dr. Backstreetboy worked really hard on getting me to a point where I could function.  This process took a whole year.  I still have anxiety so we are not quite there yet.  My anxiety did not develop in a year.  Hence, it can’t really be 100% cured in that time.  Dr. Backstreetboy was super happy with my progress.  I think I am about 70% better.

I think the goal has always been to deep into my feelings and beliefs.  Dr. Backstreetboy and my new doctor want to examine my “core beliefs” and how they shape my views.  If those beliefs are “changed,” things will get better.

My new doctor has me writing my feelings down.  In our two sessions, she has asked me some tough questions.  I can’t even imagine what things will be like a few months down the road.  But my hopes are high.

Since my new doctor has me looking deep into my feelings, there is only one nickname that goes well with her: Dr. Inception!!!

Yes, the nickname is based on the movie by the same name.  As a corollary I didn’t think the movie was all that great though the premise is great.

According to Wikipedia:

Leonardo DiCaprio plays Dom Cobb, a thief who commits corporate espionage by infiltrating the subconscious of his targets.

See!  Dr. Inception is looking really into my subconscious.  No, she won’t put any weird thoughts into my head.  Instead, she will really reshape how I relate to the world.

This is the perfect nickname!

Some of the other nicknames I thought of were: Dr. W2 (her initials and Dr. Backstreetboy’s are the same), Dr. I am not intimidated by cursing – true, but not quite as cool as Dr. Inception!

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Out of control

Lately, everything is so out of control.

My eating, my school, and other things are getting to me.  Ever since the trip to San Francisco, my eating habits haven’t been that great.  I gained about 3 pounds during the trip.  So far, I am the same.  No loss.  But for the past week, hunger has taken over me.  I dare not to weight myself.  I promised I would start eating better this week.  Yesterday, I ate a chocolate muffin.  It was a present from the bakery where I ordered k2’s birthday cake.  I also promised to exercise, but nothing.  I can’t get up in the morning to do it.  After 25 lbs, I reached a plateau.  I feel like crying.

School is going okay.  My grades are great, but am I learning anything from the Networking class.  There is so much to absorb.  For my two week break, I will be on YouTube expanding what I “learned.”  FullEclipse says that I am learning.  Maybe everything is in my brain just ready to come out.

Work…I am trying to get more customers, but this market is so tough.  Banks refuse to work with us for other needs.  It’s frustrating…even exahuasting.

I am feeling like a failure though I really shouldn’t.

So much to talk to my doctor about on our next session.

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What’s the “Principle” worth?

One of the nightly rituals with K2 is cuddling and watching t.v.  We try to get to Jeopardy! first since my goal is to teach the kid how to say, “suck it Trebek!”  Long story.  Don’t ask.

After Jeopardy!, I put on “The People’s Court.”  I LOVE the show.  Judge Marilyn Millian is so on point, eloquent, and feisty.  Paczki was almost named after this judge.  At least her first name came from one plaintiffs on the show.

So, where was I?

Oh yeah.

After the judge enters her ruling, Harvey Levin (yep Mr. TMZ) gives a bit of legal or fun information relating to the case.

One of the things he wonders at times is why people sue each other over small amounts.  He is not against it.  It is more about the time that it takes to file the suit, go to court, etc.  Harvey actually wonders if it is worth.

The question is, what’s “the principle” worth?  I mean, what will it take for a person to go through the legal system to try to recover something from the other party?

Everyone is entitled to their day in court, but does that mean that we get to overburden the legal system?

I don’t know.

It depends on how wronged a person feels.  Knowing me, I would probably sue for a penny.  It is not about the money.  Time spent and money not earned doesn’t matter.  It is about being vindicated.  Vindication is so hard to come by for some people.  If suing someone brings closure, why the hell not?  This is so odd because I am not a fan of people suing for millions of dollars.  I guess it is okay since it’s a small claims court case.

Does this mean I would take everyone to court?  No.  But I like having the option to do so should the need for it arises.

Thoughts?

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You get to make a guest appearance on any TV show of your choice. What would it be?

Looking through the posts that were in my draft pile, this gem popped up.

This was supposed to be a fun one to write.  Looking at the date, it was about four days before K2 was born.  Things were a tad hectic then.  Wait, things are still hectic.  Oh well, woe is me (insert music played by the smallest violin ever made).

Part of me thinks I was a singer or actress in previous life so this question is right up my alley.

Dr. How I Met Your Mother, Dr. Smokes a lot, Dr. Backstreetboy, and my yet to be named Dr. might think I am crazy.

In answer to the question.  If I were to make a guest appearance on any TV show…well, crap!  there are so many shows I would love to be on.  It is so hard to narrow down which one it would be.  Game shows (more on my hatred of Alex Trebek later), award shows, and new shows were not considered.

My first choice would be Law & Order.  The show is no longer on, but the idea of being around characters like good old Lennie Briscoe and Jack McCoy makes for good television.  It would be fun to see if Munch shows up too!!  Oh yeah, how fun would it be in a show that has that wonderful DOINK DOINK sound.  FYI, that’s the tone I have whenever I receive messages on my phone.  It is all great until I am watching Law & Order marathons.  I don’t if it’s the TV or a message came through.

Second choice: The Late Show With David Letterman.  The top ten, his stupid jokes, and sarcasm.  Enough said.

Third choice: True Blood.  It’s no secret that I love vampire lore.  But this is more for one reason -Alexander Johan Hjalmar Skarsgård AKA ASkars.  Tall, blonde, and Swedish.  Oh my!!   I want a whole lot of that.

Fourth choice: The Vampire Diaries.  The show has grown into a great show.  But, there is one person who is just too good and yummy.  Ian Somerhalder.  Gorgeous man.  His eyes!!  I honestly want to have this man’s kids.  As far as the acting goes, there is one character who is so evil that I find forgiving him for all the crap he pulls: Klaus.  I would love to play a sidekick of his!

Fifth choice: Criminal Minds.  I follow the casts’ twitter.  They all seems so nice and grounded.  The show is great and it also has that dorky character that also makes me go: YUM!  Spencer Reid.  I am attracted to his smart ways.

Sixth choice: N.C.I.S.  Why?  One word: GIBBS.

So as you can see, I have tons of choices.  Some of them are guided by the looks of the actors.  Oh well, this is just a silly what if question.

At least, I am honest about it 🙂

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The Douche of the Week!

Not so long ago, this blog had started a tradition of giving a person whose conduct was so egregious that “douche” was the only adjective good enough for these people.

Due to the lack of blogging on my part, this douche of the week them went away.

Well, I guess people can’t act normal.

Not only did I find the douche of the week, this person might be the douche of the year!!

Paczki and I were running errands today (translation – window shopping) when my dad asked me if we could stop to get him a bite to eat at Taco Bell.  Since it was close to lunchtime anyway, I said yes.

As Packzi and I waited for our food to be ready, a guy walked in.  He darted for the soda area.  My first thought was, “oh great, he has a cup.  He is going to try to get soda for free while his friends order food.”  I continue to observe the guy hoping he would just get water.  The cup he had was a Venti cup from Starbucks.  The guy can afford Starbucks.  I am sure he could afford Taco Bell food.

Much to my surprise (insert sarcastic voice), the guy went for Pepsi.

As if that wasn’t insulting enough, he just walked out.

JUST WALKED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could not believe it.

First of all, the Taco Bell in question is in a richy rich area.  Money is not an issue.

Secondly, this guy had A STARBUCKS CUP.  Last time I checked, a Venti iced drink was not cheap at all.  Don’t argue that the guy was broke because he bought something at Starbucks.

How I wish I could have smacked him in the back of the head!

Is flogging illegal?

As Starbucks stock owner (w00t for ten shares), I am upset to see my company’s cups being used to steal.  Don’t argue about how the guy was recycling.

So, for those reasons, I – Queen Frigid – bestow upon you “The Douche of the Week Award.”

And if I didn’t make my point clear enough, I feel like Spicoli during his first encounter with Mr. Hand (“”This is U.S. History…i see the globe right there.”)

If you don’t know this wonderful exchange, you are missing out on one of the greatest roles of Mr. Sean Penn.  Google: Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

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I Became Part of What!!!!

Growing up, I never had dreams of having children.

During my first marriage, I toyed with the idea.  My husband at the time said no.  I don’t think he really wanted to have children – at least not with me.  The idea was squashed – not to be brought up again until we were having issues.  For once, I am glad he said no to kids.

So, I figured that my life would be childless.  I enjoyed going out without having to worry about anyone other than my ex and myself.  I was waiting on the right time to have my tubes tied so I wouldn’t worry about getting pregnant and ruining things with the ex.

We would see parents with kids and pity them.  I would say things like, “oh those poor bastards!  The kids are too much for them.”

It was until FullEclipse came into the picture that I really wanted to have kids.  This took by surprise.   What the heck?  How dare he ruin my plans?

I got pregnant with Paczki.  Before K2, I had a miscarriage.   Then, three months after that, FulEclipse knocked me up again with my almost two year old.

Because of my lack of friendships and not driving to get out, I never really realized the following:

I AM NOW IN THE MOMMY CLUB WHICH MAKES ME A POOR BASTARD!!!!

I don’t want to be part of that club.

I am not a crunchy type of person.

I don’t breastfeed.

or have natural deliveries.

I don’t go running around my kids.

or do mommy and me classes.

I don’t look like a mommy for crying out loud.

I want my kids, but I don’t want to be part of the club.

Mommy gatherings are like being with a bunch of hyenas.  They are ready to eat you alive if you don’t belong or do things their way.

Plus, I don’t really like hanging out with women.  I prefer guys.  I take women one at a time.  Men are easier to talk to though you can’t talk to them about shoes.

I just want to do things on my own.

No judging.

Just me and the K Kids

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I Need a Nickname!!!

I met my new doctor today.

It went great.  I really like her which was a fear of mine.  Not meshing with a doctor is something I did not want to experience again.

But those were silly fears.  My new doctor is very smart and on point.  I know she will help me through a lot more issues which is a scary prospect because I think I will go deep into my emotions.

So, where was I again?

Oh yeah, right now things feel weird because I spent so much time with Dr. Backstreetboy, but I will get to that point with my new doctor.

Good things are going to happen.

I think I am missing her nickname to make the final connection – if that makes sense.

But, I am drawing a huge blank with her!!!

Could my creativity be gone for good?

No, it can’t be gone!!

I will work on this problem until my new doctor has a nickname.

She deserves it  🙂

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This Motherhood Thing – Not Ready for This!

I will be the first one to admit that I am not the best mother out there.  I have a lot of work before I can be the mother that Paczki needs.

You see, I am not the goo-goo-ga-ga type of mom.  The whole playing with kids is not me at all.  Maybe because I grew up around adults, that gene never really developed.  I was expected to behave.

Needless to say, being a mom to two kids is very very hard.  I show that I love my kids by spoiling them rotten despite on how it might affect my finances.

I plan their parties to be grandiose even if we don’t have friends.

Even if I am not that engaging as a mom, I love my kids.  With each milestone they reach, I feel proud and sad because my babies are growing up.

Wait..so where was I going with this post?

Oh yeah, Paczki is reaching great milestones this year.  She begins Kindergarden among other things.

But, for all my planning, the one thing I was not ready for was for Paczki to lose a tooth.  There is something about that right of passage that makes me so sad.  It feels like my little girl is just growing up too fast.  I want to hold on to her just a while longer.

I can picture here going off to college already.

Wasn’t I just pregnant with her?

I don’t know how to deal with this.

I guess, one day at a time.

Paczki is excited to lose a tooth.

That reminds me, that tooth-fairy better be ready to leave some major dough under Packzi’s pillow.

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Why I Should Not Give a Fuck

The reason for having a blog is to put as much of myself as I possibly can.

Maybe I can gather insight into my woes or just release the negativity.

But lately, it feels like something is holding me back.  People from my past read this blog.  The same who hated me and said some shitty things about me.  To say they want me to suffer and live a horrible life is really putting it nicely.  I don’t have a doubt in my mind that they enjoy my anxiety.  Anything else that happens is just extra sweet.

FullEclipse and I have been hitting a rough spot in the last two weeks.  It began with something silly which escalated into a big blow out.  Things are working out.  But it would have been so nice to talk about them here.

I told FullEclipse how I felt about not sharing my thoughts on the matter.  He told me to just share how I feel.  That the people from my past can go fuck themselves since they don’t matter.

And he is right.

They don’t matter.

So why am I still worried of what they say?

After all these years, do I still want to be liked by them?  It’s too late.

And I have a much richer life.

Despite my setbacks, my life is great.  I got a roof over my head, a husband who loves me, two children, and my dogs.

So, I should not give a fuck.

I really shouldn’t.

and I am going to try to blog more personal stuff.

This is my space – not theirs.

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