June Can Suck It!!

Is it just me or is June of this year very shitty?

There is a vibe that just doesn’t sit well with me.

Let’s see..

We are very slow at work.  June should be one of the busiest months for our industry.

It’s the middle of the year.  2013 marks a lot of milestones in my life.  20, 10, and 5 years of major events that should be reflected upon.

I am worried about a myriad of things that should not even be on my mind.  I can’t control them.  I wish I could, but I can’t.

Just to drive the point of how bad this month is, K2 fell three times today.  The poor kid is in pain.  It is all part of growing up, but I still hate it.

Summer is here.

The heat will be upon us soon.

Dr. Backstreetboy is moving on.

Anxiety is sort of creeping back into my life, just like my weight.

The whole month is just bleh.

At least, there were some positive things.  It’s just hard to focus on the good when the bad is dragging you down.

But, I am taking it one day at a time.

As long as I have AC, things can’t get much worst, right?

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The “Cloud”

I have a love of everything tech.

From smartphones to tablets, I must have it all.

I am not ashamed to admit that I own a touch PC  with Windows 8 (it’s  an old computer), a Mac laptop, an android phone, and Windows Tablet.

Having so many devices brings the problem of syncing each of them.  With school, I MUST keep all my files in one place in order for me to work whenever I have a chance.  By the way, the Windows tablet has one of the smoothest keyboards ever created.

Okay, getting back onto my subject, I need to be able to access all my files and edit them.

I was  still am hesitant to keep all files in one place.  But I gave in.

So, The Queen is officially on the cloud.

Can I say it is scary?

Servers go down wiping user’s data- Hello Sidekick scandal of 2009.

So, what do I do?

I still back up everything on the cloud onto my main PC.

I will also change the password to the site every week.

This was supposed to be easy?

Right??

Am I crazy or is this a good idea?

 

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Followers?

Wow!

I just saw my notifications.  My blog has ten followers.  Can I say I am surprised by this?

When I began to write my blog, my idea was to reach out to people who suffered anxiety.  I also wanted a way to vent.  It never crossed my mind that people might my daily writings.

Now, I really have to come up interesting stuff?  Nah!  I will keep it real.

In the meantime, I should be doing homework.  I have a paper due.

 

Sleep? What sleep?

Not since the birth of K2, have I been up so late!

School is in full gear.

My vacation is over and with that life goes back to normal.  It just feels like I am missing something basic in my classes.  I don’t like feeling at a disadvantage over my classmates.  Most of them have experience.  I am new to this field.  It feels like being dropped in a foreign country to learn the language and some of my companions already know how to speak it.  My competitive side kicks in, but I cannot quite catch up to them.

I AM FRUSTRATED!

I want to get A+ on every single subject.

I am glad I can take and retake my quizzes since they only count for participation points and not my overall grade.  Otherwise, I would be in serious trouble.

Changing majors was a bold move.  I have no experience in computers.  Everything is new.  I understand business – nothing else.  This is just a minor set back, right? Once I immerse myself in the fun parts of the classes, I will be okay.

I want to work in Cybersecurity.

I just hate these three weeks.  Nothing but terms.  Lots and lots of confusing terms that could have been presented in a different way.

Show me how to build a network.  We can go over the rules then.  Don’t spring everything on me.  I need the practice.

I am ranting.

I am sleepy.

I want to be able to see my husband for more than 10 minutes at a time.

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Please listen to a Backstreet Boys song while you read this! – Goodbye to Dr. Backstreet Boy

A hard goodbye – I hate to write this one!

At the end of this month, Dr. Backstreet Boy moves onto a new venture in his residency.  I will not be his patient anymore.  He begins a two-year fellowship with children.  The kids are very lucky to have him, but it sucks for all of his other patients.

One of the downsides of being treated in a teaching hospital is the fact that your doctors move on at one point.  I understand it.  How else will they acquire the skill they need?  But, when your doctor is a psychiatrist, this becomes really difficult.

When I lost Dr. How I Met Your Mother after a month of visits last year, I felt lost.  She planted the seed of my recovery during the month she treated me.  I can’t thank her enough for taking me on even for a month.

Now, it is time to say goodbye to Dr. Backstreet Boy and it REALLY FUCKING SUCKS.  He has been my doctor for a whole year.  His sessions have been instrumental in my recovery.  When I first met him, Dr. Backstreet Boy looked so young.  Well, he is very young.  I had doubts that he could help me.  I mean, the kid just got out of high school, right?  First lesson, looks are deceiving.  Lesson number two, younger doctors help you a lot more than seasoned professionals.  I never had success until younger specialists treated me.  It is a sad fact.  My hope is that these young professionals do not become jaded over time.

Since I can’t really express myself well during our sessions, here is a letter to my wonderful doctor.

Dear Dr. Backstreet Boy,

Over the years, I have met people who have shaped the way I view the world.  Most of these changes have been negative.  Very few people helped me to see things a different way.

I want to thank you for being a positive light this past year.  You came in during one of the darkest periods of my life.  I felt lost and hopeless.  I saw no way out of my anxiety.  The family that I worked so hard to have was being dragged down by fears.

Without your help, I would not have been able to get to this point.  Your guidance made me take a good look at my life.  In a year, I went from being scared to leave my comfort zone to taking on a trip to San Francisco.  I drive and went back to school.  My husband always wanted me to accomplish these things, but he could only do so much.  Thanks to your advice and different take on things, I have reached so many of my goals.

For the first time in a long time, I feel normal.

Thank you so much for helping me to get that feeling back.

There is so much more that still needs to be done.  But you are moving on.  As much as I would like for us to continue with our sessions, I know you need to complete your fellowship.  Those children are very lucky to have you.

I wish you luck on your new endeavor.  You have a great future ahead!

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Catching Up

Why is it that when you take a vacation it takes forever to come back to a routine?

I had great plans about catching up on my school work, but passed out at 8:00 p.m. while cuddling K2.

I was back to work on Wednesday for a few hours.  I finally got most of my to do list done at work.

School..bleh.  I feel so lost in one class, but this weekend will be all about reviewing and re-reading the material.  By the way, the book for my difficult class is so confusing.  One of my classmates who has experience in the field commented on how bad the book was.

My weight is bad.  I know I gained a few pounds.  I tried to be good the rest of this week, but no luck.  It’s okay, Monday is back to eating great/healthy though FullEclipse will be working overtime.  I am on my own for dinner.  The K Kids will have my mom to cook for them.

I feel busy…I don’t like it!

I want to be done with everything

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Normal???

Today is Sunday June 9, 2013.

I type this as FullEclipse drives the family back home after spending some crazy days in San Francisco.

It is 4:32 p.m. and the traffic is normal for this day and time in California.  Soon, the traffic will come to a halt.

And I feel calm – calmer than I have been in a long time.  There is a sense of ease that feels great yet unsettling.

I should be worrying about the next panic attack in the car or the money I overspent during this trip.  The questions about being able to be debt free in about four years should be plaguing my mind.  They are not.  I know I will face these questions once my vacation is over on Wednesday.

What about my weight?  What about school?  Yes, I did gain weight.  I can lose that in two weeks with a little hard work.  School is tough.  I feel lost in one of my classes and it is only the first two weeks.  It is difficult for me to even acknowledge that there might be trouble ahead in school.  The challenge is appealing.  I will not quit like before.  Even with this time off, I should be able to complete all my assignments on time.

For the first time in almost two years, I feel normal.  No anxiety.  Just normal.

It has taken hours after hours of therapy with Dr. Backstreet Boy.  The medication helps me.

I question whether or not this feeling will last.  Anxiety comes and goes.  When it returns, it is bigger than before.

Can I defeat it?

I see the horizon and hope that this feeling lasts.

My husband needs it.

My kids deserve it.

I want it.

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The Sounds of Silence in the Car

Yesterday I took my first drive alone.

I had to run some errands for FullEclipse.  Hello $48.00 worth of dry cleaners!!!!!

It was never wrecking to be on my own.  No one to tell me what I was doing wrong while driving.  The most alarming thing about driving is the silence.  Sure, there radio was on.  But I felt so out of my element.  For the first time, no one is the car with me.  No one to talk to at all.

I like to talk a lot.  My mind goes at full speed and so does my mouth.  Yes, I say thing without thinking sometimes.

If I know you, I can’t shut up.  It is funny how much of a extrovert I am once I feel comfortable enough.

So the silence in the car kills me.

What can I do to feel better about this?

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Finally!!

After almost 3-4 years, I finally got my driver’s license!!

It was one of the scariest things I have done.

I passed it on the second try.  Actually, I had passed it the first time.  However, on the way back to the DMV, I made a critical error which is an automatic fail no matter what.  The sad part is that we were about twenty feet from the DVM.  I HAD IT.

But things happen for a reason.

Dr. Backstreet Boy is not in today or else I would call him to give him the news.

He has been so crucial to my recovery.

I wanted FullEclipse to be the one there when I passed.  My mom took me and I am okay with it too.  It felt like it was something we were meant to do many years ago.  I guess it’s full circle.

I had no anxiety!!

Recovery…

so far…

so good

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Weight…weight…weight!!

I have always struggled with my weight.

It has been a war of over twenty years.  I remember being twelve years old trying to fit into the cool kids crowed.  I was too big for their liking.  Looking back, I realize that I was not big at all.

Moving to a different country brought in new foods.  Leaving everything behind left me with a sense of no control.  These two factors created a monster.  I gained and gained a lot of weight.

Then I met my first husband and the feeding fest continued.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, I managed to lose 105 lbs.  My weighted was perfect.

Then I got divorced.

Moved in with FullEclipse

Got happy

Got pregnant

Got medications

Became content

Got pregnant again

Gained a ton of weight

Then I realized that I was six pounds shy away of reaching the weight I was when I was at my heaviest.

This came as a huge shock.  When I was super heavy, no regular clothes would fit me. I had to go into the plus sizes.  This time around, my clothes fit me.  They were tight, but they still fit.

Cognitive resonance is a bitch.

So about three or four moths ago, I began the painful task of losing weight again.

It was been really tough.

I don’t have the magic pills I used before.

It is all me.

It has been a real struggle.

For the next two weeks, I will be on a trip.  I am so scared.  My body doesn’t respond  the same way as it used to when I was in my 20s.

I haven’t lost anything in the last four weeks, but I haven’t gained.

Who knows what will happen.

All I know is that I am tired of the battle.

So very tired.

The anxiety, self image issues, and weight.

Bleh.

But…

My husband still finds me sexy.  I think sexier than before.

This is for me.

Wish me luck!

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