Yesterday was a pivotal moment in my anxiety saga because I was finally able to see a therapist to try to cope with how I have been feeling for the past year. My hope is that I will find the right treatment for my disorder before it drags me down completely.
For a long time, I have been very reluctant to seek help. I had a psychologist before, but due to the economic situation I found myself in, I had to cancel my sessions. I did not feel bad when I stopped seeing the doctor because I have always thought that I could beat this disorder on my own. Even when I was medicated, my goal was to completely be free from drugs. The side effects sucked – hello 40 lbs gain! I also hated being dependent upon medication to feel whole. I have my emergency anti anxiety pill and I hate taking it!
As this pregnancy progressed, I noticed that my anxiety levels kept increasing. I have read that anxiety goes up when you are pregnant. I figured that once K2 was born, things would get better. One of the things FullEclipse had suggested is that perhaps seeing a doctor after K2’s birth would be a good idea. I agreed even if the idea of seeing someone bothered me.
However, as the due date approaches, I find myself having more and more episodes. My biggest fear is having an attack on the operating table during the c-section. That is the last thing I want. Going to places with my mom or dad triggers my anxiety even more. I cannot be stuck in this house anymore. I want to go out without fear and enjoy life. I finally had enough! I made an appointment to see a therapist. I figured that if he would see me once or twice before the birth, I would gain some insight into my condition and be two sessions into recovery.
I swallowed my pride and off to the therapist I went. It is so nice to have the hospital nearby my house. I can deliver K2 and see a therapist. Very very cool!
After a long talk, the therapist recommended that I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist at the same time.
I guess my condition is worst than I thought.
We talked about my childhood, first marriage, my divorce , work, the loss of my house, my family, the economy, the pressures to be perfect, etc. A lot of these factors seem to influence my mood and the anxiety.
My therapist knows that I do not wish to be medicated at all. I want to be drug free. I also want to breastfeed K2 and have more children. Medication will make these two dreams very hard to achieve. But, he still wants me to follow through with his recommendations. He will share with my psychiatrist what we talked about as well as my desire not to take any medication.
Based on what we talked about, I have a feeling that the doctors will put me on disability for a while. Once again, this is my feeling. There is just so much going on and with all the changes, things will get rough. Work will be the last thing I need because it will add more stress to my psyche.
Who knows what will happen? One thing is for sure, I am glad I took the first step even if it kills me to admit that I need help.