K2 Readiness

As my third trimester of my pregnancy approaches, I can’t help but think about how behind I am in regards to having what we need to welcome K2 into the world.

We need everything for this little one. Our old toys, clothes, crib, swing, and everything in between HAVE to be replaced.

It almost feels like this will be our first child.

Almost…

For example, with Paczki, we had quite a few things ready for her arrival. Her beautiful nursery was a work in progress. Her blog was full of entries.

Out of all the things that bother me is the lack of blogging for K2 that makes me the saddest.

K2 is very important. I love this baby as much as Paczki. I am just as excited about the birth.

My biggest fear is that this kid will feel left out and not loved because I haven’t made a blog about this pregnancy.

I want all my children to know that I love them.

The first step will be purchasing everything we need this weekend.

K2’s blog will come soon after that.

Kona Is Not YOURS!!

My pregnancy brain can’t remember if I posed Kona’s fate after her adoption.

In case I forgot to mention it, Kona’s adoption fell through. The family who wanted her decided the day before we were to drop Kona off that they could not bring her to into their chaotic home. They wanted Kona badly, but knew that the adoption would make things rough for everyone. This family was going through some major changes. They had moved to a new home. The move brought on unexpected expenses. Their toddler was also having a hard time. I understood where this family was coming from. We were thankful that they made the right decision and told us. I wish they would have said something sooner. Paczki knew Kona was leaving. She was so sad. I wish I could have spared her the suffering.

Anyway, as part of our agreement with the Boxer Rescue, we have to keep Kona. At the time, FullEclipse was not working so it was not a big deal.

A few weeks after the failed adoption, FullEclipse received an email from the rescue. Kona’s orginal owner wanted her back. The director of the rescue wanted to know if we were okay with sending Kona back.

I WAS LIVID!!!!

I was upset that FullEclipse did not tell me right away about the email. In his defense, he got the email very late and there was no way he would have woken me up to make me angry.

After my initial shock, I was able to read what this person wrote on the application. He said that he wanted Kona to be back with her original family. That just made me even angrier. This guy only had Kona for about a year and a half. In that period, he left Kona unattended in her crate for hours on end. He taught her all her bad behaviors. Kona’s issues stem directly from this person. Why would anyone consider him a good candidate for readoption? We have tried to house break her and make her a more stable dog. Sending Kona to her original owner would be beyond crazy. I also know someone who knows this person. Oh the stories I heard about him!

Let me get this off my chest: WE ARE KONA’S FAMILY. We have been there for her for over four years. A lot has happened since we adopted Kona. She has been there for all major events in our family. There is not one memory of my family life without Kona in it.

Finally, I am mad at the rescue because they even this idea a thought. Not only is this person bad for Kona, he also has dogs which was a major NO! Their reasoning was that maybe with training Kona would stop her dog aggression. ARE THEY INSANE? Dog aggression cannot be cured. It can be I put off sending the rescue a reply email. I was not going to be nice about it. After not hearing from us, I received a facebook message asking me for an answer about Kona. I was very polite. I gave the rescue all the reasons as to why Kona could not go back to her original owner. I also made sure that they knew this person is not a good candidate for adoption.

So where does that leave Kona?

FullEclipse went to back to work about a month ago. The original idea was for me to leave Kona in our room two days a week and bring her to work once a week. Since, I stay home two days during the week, I could take care of the dogs. We had a plan to medicate Kona. Yep, even my dogs have anxiety. The problem was that the medications would take three weeks to take effect. I have been bringing her to work with me. Kona has been really good. I don’t know if I can leave her alone at home. Even with medication, FullEclipse and I have found our room destroyed. Kona thrives when she is around people. This dog cannot fuction alone. Her fights with Fuego are gone thanks to their walks. I found someone to help me walk KittyKat. FullEclipse works full time and I am very pregnant. Kona has had three accidents in the house. All of them are our fault. We are working with her. If only we could leave her alone.

I don’t know what will happen. I am hoping that things will work out and Kona can stay with us.

Woe Is Depression!!

I don’t know what is going on with me, but for the past week and a half, I don’t feel like myself at all. It has been a while since I have felt okay and at ease. I get these massive waves of sadness and depression that cannot be shaken away. Normally, I can function properly and put on a good face for everyone. As of last week, you begin to see he cracks and the toll this depression has taken on me. Thankfully, K2 is happy and growing healthy. Mommy’s problems have not affected my pregnancy.

My anxiety comes and goes. There have been periods of peace. But, like my psychologist said, anxiety is a monster that can come back at any time when left untreated. It has been almost two years since I last saw him. I could not afford to see him anymore as I was a cash patient. FullEclipse has insurance now. It covers mental help. As soon as K2 is born, I am going to find a new psychologist to finally kick these feelings.

I have to say that I am annoyed at my anxiety the most. I have had weeks of no anxiety and then it just happens. This cycle is so frustrating. It feels like my body is betraying me and that beneath it all, my body craves the feelings of uncertainty.

FullEclipse has been so good with me. To say he is a blessing would be the understatement of the millennium. He is my rock and my biggest supporter. Together we are trying to figure out the root of this problem. We have narrowed it down to a few things happening in our lives combined with my desire to get the fuck of out this hell hole I call California. We will try working out a solution that will be best for our family.

In the meantime, I take it one day at a time. My husband, children, and dogs need me. Things will get better.

I wanted to make this a password protected entry because I know that people from my past read this blog. These people would love to see me fail (note: keep dreaming!). My question to them is why are you so interested in my life when you never cared before or when it was clear that you hated my guts?

At the same time, part of the reason why I blog is to see if there are others out there suffering from anxiety and depression. I have always felt that these two conditions (especially anxiety) carry a certain stigma. Very few people truly understand it. If my entries can help someone so be it.