>How much longer????

>…till I get better!!!!!!!!!??

I am so out of energy and tired.

I just want to go home.

I don’t want to neglect my writing, but I am still on a hiatus this week or until this cold/bug is completely gone.




>Oh my God!!!

I have a terrible cold….

I want to write so badly, but I am in bad shape because I am just so tired and run down.

I think I am taking the rest of the week off to get over it.

My family from out of town is here, but damn it, I can’t spend as much time with them as I want!!

Darn virus!!

>Parenting Choices

>Packzi had a bad cold this weekend.  Her second week in Pre-K ended with the gift that keeps on giving: germs.  I had hoped her school week would end with a craft for mommy, but this is what FullEclipse and I got instead.

I normally get very upset when my loved ones become sick.  Call it a defense or coping mechanism because somehow I believe their illnesses are my fault.  Stupid, but I cannot help feeling this way.

This time, however, I became really angry at the parents of the kid/kids that made my little one sick.  How can these people let their child/children go to school to spread their diseases?  It is a cold for crying out loud!  How can they not see that their child was sick and miserable?  I would not let my little one go to school sick. 

Why can’t these parents make the same choice for their children?  Maybe it is because my little one’s Pre-K serves as an extended day care and most of these parents HAVE to work.  At the same time, I would try to warn others about the possibility of my child making their kids sick.  Is it too much to ask for?  Is it?

I understand that getting sick is part of being in school.  Children will get other children sick.  As much as I wish I could control it, I know this will be something I cannot do. 

I just wish she wouldn’t have gotten sick this weekend.  I have a few relatives coming from out of town for just a few days.  This trip has been in the works for a year.  Some of these people will meet Paczki for the first time.  It is a huge deal!!!

Now I am a bit under the weather and I feel so angry!

Anger leads to emotions

Emotions lead to anxiety

Oh well..

: sigh :

>Emotional Roller Coaster

>This week has been so hard on me emotionally. 

My anxiety seems to be on high alert this week. 

I wish I knew what causes me to have these waves of anxiety.  I cannot control them and I feel rather helpless.  The funny thing is that just a few weeks ago I felt so good.  There was a period of calm and ease.  It is in those moments of clarity when I say to myself and to other people, “I will beat this disorder!”  Just as I say those words, I go back to feeling anxious.

This roller coaster of emotions gets old really fast.

>Psycho Kona!!!

>One of the few places I can find  peace and quiet is in the shower.  The sound of the water combined with the smell of the body soap and hot water make for a very relaxing environment.  Every worry, sound, and bad thoughts get put in the back on my mind.

Needless to say, the only way I can achieve this level of calm is by leaving the bathroom door closed.  If this door were to be open, I would have no peace.  Normally, I leave the door locked.  Since we moved to a smaller place with only one bathroom, the door needs to remain unlocked in case Paczki needs to go “potty.”  I can count a few incidents when my shower has been interrupted by the sounds of FullEclipse of Packzi coming into the restroom.

Yesterday, as I was getting into my calm state, I looked down to see something messing with my shower curtains.  The movement was coming from the bottom of the shower to have been Paczki.  “Odd!,” I thought.  Then panic sort of crept up on me.  “What the hell got into the bathroom!?  The door is closed,” was my second thought.  “Wait a minute, didn’t this happen in a movie and someone died?”  I was about to scream when I decided that opening the curtain MIGHT just be the right thing to do.  Yeah, sometimes I am not the brightest person in the world.

I opened the shower curtains only to have been surprised by a very happy and excited boxer.  I guess I did not close the door properly and Kona thought it might be a good idea to inspect the bathroom.  After the initial scare, I petted Kona.  She then proceeded to lick the air.  Once she was satisfied that the air was not dangerous and that I was safe, she left.

Damn dog could have given me a heart attack!!  Doesn’t she know better?  I gotta say, I wish I had a camera to take pictures of Kona.  She looked so innocent.

But, next time, I am locking the door!!!   Darn it, I can’t!!!  Oh well.  I will be more careful next time. 

>Life with KittyKat

>Life with pets can never be dull, especially if you own dogs!  There is just something about a dog’s personality that can brighten even the worst days.   Dogs are goofy, loyal, and lovable.  Simply put, they are perfect.

When you add kids to the mix, things are always happening in the house.  Most of the time, things go great and we laugh a lot!  Those are our favorite days.  Every now and then, my fur kids and child gang up on FullEclipse and I.  It feels like they have a meeting in the morning to discuss strategies on how to take us down.  In those occasions,  bed time cannot come soon enough. 

Today, however, was one of those days when the dogs just make laugh.

Packzi and FullEclipse left me alone with Kona and Fuego (KittyKat) to go run some errands.  I thought it would be a fairly quiet evening as KittyKat had eaten and gone potty.  I was in my bedroom when the dogs around the neighborhood began to bark.  For whatever reason, my new neighborhood is full of little yappy dogs.  You know the type, the one who cannot stop barking. The problem is, if one dog barks, the rest of the dogs around the block feel that it is necessary for them to respond.   As if whatever problem they have will be solved by barking.  Do not get me wrong, I love all dogs.  However, there are times when all the noise gets annoying.  We do not let KittyKat get in on the barking action.  They have no say in the matter.  Plus, we do not want to aggravate the situation. 

Okay, back to the story.  I was sitting quietly, the dogs began to bark.   KittyKat came to the room and stood up in a defensive pose.  I  feel protected by my dogs whenever they get into this mode.  Boxers have given  me the impression of being the guardians and protectors of the family.  I know or at least hope they go to great lengths to protect my family. 

As I stood there and watched them “get ready,” Kona farted.  I know it is gross, but I couldn’t help but laugh.  Here she is, getting ready to go to battle (whatever battle she thought she got into), looks more than ready to strike and farts! 

Seriously, who can take them seriously!???

I laugh for a while.

My dogs are the best.

P.S. as I was finishing this post, Packzi and FullEclipse returned from the store.  They brought dessert and Kona ate Packzi’s cookie.  She came crying.  I gave her another cookie.  The dogs could not let me just have a nice post about them…could they? 


>I should be crying over this incident instead of taking it all in stride. It seems as though there will be no solution to my problem. Perhaps, my mind has gone into denial mode in order not to go go crazy.

Early last year, my old computer burned. Well, the motherboard burned leaving a black whole right in the middle. I guess my old “DISASTER” (my computer nicknames) decided it had enough and gave up on its life.

It was a funny incident really. I am sure there will be a lesson to be learned.

Anyway, because my old computer was not as fast as it once was, I began to use my laptop to browse the Internet and do my gaming. “DISASTER” stored a lot of pictures of Paczki along with other miscellaneous writings and important files. As a prepared woman, I had a back up external drive. Should anything happened, my files would be safe.

Since I really did not need to use the office, I stopped spending time there. I would only occasionally go there to grab the family mail whenever FullEclipse did not put it on the kitchen table. One day as I walked inside the computer room, I heard a buzzing sound. This was not an unfamiliar sound to me. My fax machine made that sound whenever it was plugged in. I did not put too much thought into it. In fact, I think I might have turned off the fax machine thinking that would stop the buzzing sound.

A few days (maybe weeks go by) and I have to go in the office. As I walked in, I smelled something burning followed by a faint buzzing sound. “OH SHIT!,” was my first thought. I looked at “DISASTER” and I knew it had seen its last day.  I called FullEclipse to the room.  He confirmed that my computer was dead.  He promised he would try to see if he could work a miracle and maybe fix it.  Those hopes were squashed a few days later when he told me what happened to the motherboard. 

I was not worried about my files because my back up drive would have them.  I knew there might be a possibility of some loss, but I had hoped that my laptop had those files.  FullEclipse wanted to get rid of “DISASTER.”   I told him to take out the hard drive just in case.  The following months were so hectic with the home and move that I had no time to work on recovering my files.  I also did not want to put all my file onto my laptop. 

As a very belated birthday, I got a desktop.  Over the Christmas break,  I settled in my new place and I had time to recover my files. 


I will give you five cool points if guess what happened?

If you said, “YOUR BACKUP DRIVE failed”, you would be correct.

I don’t know if it burned along with the computer.  All I know is that it does not work.  It has no power coming into the unit.  It is dead!  I have tried to call SEAGATE (the maker of the hard drive) and have gotten nowhere.  That story is for another post.

All I have left is the hard drive I saved.  I have tried one thing already and it doesn’t work.  FullEclipse is working on it to see if we can recover some data.

I am trying to keep my hopes up. 

>Stupid Injuries

>Not too long ago, I blogged about how there must be a Patron Saint for stupid accidents

One would assume that I would pay more attention to my everyday actions.   You know, in order what I do in order to avoid major incidents.  At least, common sense would dictate that. 

Then again, since when have I paid attention to common sense?

In December, I was injured twice. 

First incident: I threw my back out.  I have suffered from back problems for a while now.  Losing 105 lbs, a pregnancy, and 55 lbs of weight gain did a number to my spine.  I haven’t had any problems until recently.  I carried Packzi for a while and my back did not appreciate it.  The pain was not as bad as my previous experiences.  It was just a minor inconvenience.  By the way, did I go see a doctor?  Well, no!

Secondly, my mom almost cut my finger off.  Okay, it wasn’t that bad.  I just wanted some drama lol.  Nevertheless, it is a funny story about my carelessness stupidity.  A week before Christmas, my mom and I needed to take a quick trip to Toys R Us to pick up some last presents for my little girl.  My shopping was mostly done, but my mom still needed to get her an easel and other items.

As with any change of plans, this caused a wave of anxiety.  Don’t ask why, I just get nervous.  I decided to bit the bullet and not take any Xanax.  My mom was very patient with me while I worked on calming down.   It was raining rather heavily for CA so having the AC on in the car was out of the question.  My mom rolled the window down.  Things were calming down by the time we got the parking lot of Toys R Us.  I still had anxiety, but I had hopes that once in the store, things would get better. 

Anyway, my mom was about to park when I told her that her window was opened just a bit.  She looked and said, “where?”  So, being the smart person that I am, I stuck my finger in the gap.  As as I was about to say, “here!,” my mom rolled the window up.  OH MY GOD!  I was in so much pain.  My mom was so worried and felt so bad.  She felt guilty.  Honestly, I felt so bad and stupid.  Hello!!!  Who does that kind of stupid stuff?  I wish I could have vented my frustration by screaming.  But, it was all my fault.  Also, something good came out of this accident.  My panic attack got  better.  In fact, I forgot all about it. 

There is a lesson to be learned from the finger experience.  If you are ever in the middle of panic attack, find a car, roll down the window, and hope that someone rolls up said window!

I hope I am not the only one with stupid accidents.  I don’t want to fell like a loner!



The first and last 1/1/11 we will ever see.

Wasn’t it just yesterday when we all worried about Y2K?

Where has time gone?

I remember when I thought, “1989 is going to be a good year.” I was a naive nine year old then, but time seem to drag.

Now, I wait for time to drag a little bit longer!

I have to say, I will not miss 2010. It was a bad year. HORRIBLE!

My home was lost, work is iffy, and I lost a baby. There is nothing good about 2010.

As I look at other blogs, I see a trend. People summarize what they did during the year and what happened. As much as I would join in, I much rather move on and begin anew.

I hope 2011 will bring my family new changes and much better luck.

For now, I am back to blogging.

Here is to 2011!