>30 Days of Me – Day 9

>Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

This will most likely end up being a long post.  But, without the proper background, this message -if there is one – might be lost.


Here is a bit of a background:

When I graduated high school, my original intent was to move out of the country to go to medical school.  After much research, I found a school that would take me without the Pre-Med requirement.  I will not get into too many details  Also, the classes would be offered in English- another plus.  My plan was that once I earned my degree, I could come back to the States and go to school in order to be able to practice medicine.  Now, that I think about it, that was a pretty stupid plan!  Oh well…no one said that being seventeen years old gave me any wisdom.

Anyway, I took a semester off before my adventure outside of the States.  Most of my high school friends moved onto college, jobs, etc.  Everyone thought I would be moving away.

As it turns out, I met my now ex-husband.  Instead of getting in back in touch with everyone I knew, I decided that my ex and his friends needed all my attention.  His friends were now my new friends.  Every single moment from there on was spent with my ex and another one of his friends.

I also became a recluse…I only had time to be with the ex, his friend, and food.

My old friendships were lost.

Out of all of the friends I gave up, there was one person in particular that was never forgotten.  We met through some friends in high school and became pretty close. 

Our friendship always reminded of the one between Daria and Jane in the show Daria.  Just picture me a lot bigger, but with the same sarcasm.  Jane, the one on the right, looks a lot like my friend.  They share the same cool aura of mysticism.  We had fun.

Daria image

The last time I spoke with this friend, she was having a rough time at home.  Then, she moved out of the country and, according to some people, she had a child.  In my mind, there was no way I could find her in another country.  I did not call her house because I thought her parents had moved out to a new place.  At least, that was my understanding.

Two years ago, thanks to the magic of myspace, I was able to find her.  I did not think that she would remember me.  To my surprise, she did remember me.  Not only that, she had been looking for me.  But, since I myspace and facebook are under my middle and maiden name, she could not get a hit on me!

The funny thing…she was back in the States, had two girls, and STILL LIVED in the same apartment with her parents!  I felt like such a bad friend for not looking harder for her.  She had such a sad story to tell me.  However, she was doing well.  We made plans to see each other.

We met again on my daughter’s first birthday.  It was such a fun reunion.

Yet…

She had to move out of the country at the end of 2009.

I was so devastated.

We didn’t get a chance to say a proper goodbye.

She has been away for over a year, but still keep in touch.

I would never let her get away again.

We lean on each other.

I miss her.

A better rendition of Daria and Jane

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>30 Days of Me – Day 8

>Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

It goes without saying that one of the people who has made my life a living hell is the person mentioned here

Yet, throughout my life, I have had the “pleasure” (insert sarcasm here) of being bullied and belittled.  In junior high, my peers made fun of me for having dark skin (something I HATE about myself), for not having money (I went through a private school and my parents were not rich), for not dressing up with the best clothes, for being too young (I skipped a grade), etc.  I begged my parents to take me out of that private school.  I cried every day for a whole year.  They finally moved me to a public school where I was happier.  There was some bullying, but not to the point where I wanted out of that school.  I actually enjoyed my time there.

I moved onto high school and I only had one bad experience where I felt singled out.  But, I moved on and thrived.

During my first marriage, some of my exes family and friends did not like me.  This is one of the reasons why I moderate comments.  I don’t want them to come and spread their hate here.

It is not surprising that my dark overall outlook in things stems from some, if not all, of these experiences. 

Granted, everyone has had their fair share of bullies in their life.  I guess were I differ is from the fact that I can still remember my bullies and those who belittled me.  I can’t shake the feeling that I should have said something.  I replay certain events over and over and I wish I could go back in time.  My psychologist said that part of the reason why I suffer from anxiety is due to playing the “what ifs.”  What if I had told this person to leave me alone?  What would they do if they saw me now?  This is not good for my recovery.

What can I say….???

I am a sucker for closure and revenge.

Even if I never get even, it’s still good to imagine.

In the meantime, I am teaching my Packzi to speak her mind and never let anyone drag her down.

 

>30 Days of Me- Day 7

>Someone who has made your life worth living for
Sometimes words are not enough…

To your left: my two loves: FullEclipse and Packzi.

On the bottom: Dumb and Dumber!

Kona and Fuego

When things get tough or I go to my dark places, all I have to do is look around me.  No matter where we go, no matter how rough life becomes, as long as they are in my life, it will be okay!

>30 Days of Me – Day 6

>Something you hope you never have to do…

There are two things that come to mind.

First, and most importantly, will be burying my children.

Granted, I only have one, but my wish is to have a few more and the feeling will always be the same.

The idea of my little Packzi dying before me terrifies me.  Parents are not supposed to bury their children.  My little girl is so full of life that thinking about her dying is beyond incomprehensible.  Packzi is supposed to experience the world and go on to do wonderful things with her life!

I follow a blog of a mother who lost her child.  Let me tell you, it is heart breaking to read her story.  I don’t ever want to feel that way.

Secondly, I hope I never have to terminate a pregnancy.  I am a big pro-choice person.  While I don’t think every woman has an abortion for the right reasons -a few are just too dumb to use birth control, no one has the right to tell women what is morally correct.  NO ONE.

I never want to be in a situation where I have to terminate a pregnancy (e.g. the baby will be born with a congenital defect, etc).

It would be a very difficult decision and the aftermath…I cannot even imagine. 

>30 Days of Me – Day 5

>Something you hope to do in your life…

I am not a very hopeful person.  In fact, I have a pretty grim view on things.  Things either happen in your favor or you are just shit out of luck because you suck and the universe thinks so too.

But…

There is just one thing in the back of my mind that holds on to the last last bit of hope left in my body.  I know better than to believe things will be okay in the end, but here it is:

My hope is become ANXIETY FREE.

A lot of the bad stuff I have to overcome (e.g. weight loss, going back to school to become a better/marketable person, getting off my butt and becoming debt free, learning how to drive and get my liscense, etc.) goes hand in hand with my anxiety.  It feels like all of these things are holding me back when in reality it all hinges on one thing: my ability to free myself from my panic attacks.

I long for the days where I can strap myself onto a roller coaster…how I wish I could bungee jump and sky dive.

Theses days, I think I will settle for going somewhere without cowering.

Heck…I want to give everything and most people here in CA the middle finger and move away for good.

What a fucked up disease.

>30 Days of Me – Day 4

>Okay, I have put this one on hold long enough.

For day four of my 30 day blogging experiment, my assignment today is to write about “something you have to forgive someone for.”

Well, there is one person who destroyed a small part of me.

Someone close to me shattered my world and that world can not be put back together.

I thought about not writing about his subject because this person does not deserve it, but I am so angry right now that I have to let it all out.

My parents have forgiven him.

I can’t.

I won’t.

I hate him.

I want his destruction.

I want him to suffer.

I want him to come back to me begging for mercy.

I want him to fucking suffer and burn in hell – if it even exists.

I wrote this piece many years ago after many tears.

I hope it explains how I feel.

I never proof read it so please excuse any mistakes.

___________________________________________________

December 4, 2005

How can I survive?

Towards the end of my senior year of high school, I attended a conference. 

I wish I could remember what it was all about.   

The only positive thing to come out of it was the purchase of a book, “How to Survive the Loss of a Love.”  I bought the book as a joke.  Let’s face it, at seventeen nothing bad can happen to you.  The world is yours and nothing can or will stop you.  If only this were true.  I wish things were as easy as I once thought. 

After graduating from high school, I lost touch with my high school crush.  Yet, I survived.  One layer of sanity and positive feelings were lost, but I made it through the pain.  Later on, my relationship with my grandparents took a dive.  That was okay as I had come to terms with the fact that they only wanted to use me to gain a monetary benefit from my father.  I came out of that mess with more cynicism, but I still remained somewhat positive.  Little by little life took me through difficult paths and something was taken from me.  A bit here and a small loss there!  Over time, I learned that these experiences are just part of growing up.  As long as I had a good support system with my family, the process of grieving these losses would be a bit easier. 

Then the inexplicable happened.  I lost part of the foundation of my support system.  My favorite uncle sided with someone whose ultimate goal was the destruction of my parents and me – his girlfriend.  Forget about the monetary ramifications of her plan.  She walked away with the most precious things I ever had: blind trust.  Trusting others is a luxury I simply cannot afford.  I will be damned if I ever let my guard down.  I will be damned if someone gets this close to me and family again.  I will open war on that person.  If only I had done that before.  I should have trusted my instincts when I first met her.  I knew she would be trouble.  I know I should have been more persistent in my drive to keep her away from my family.  If anyone deserved my wrath it was that whore.

The devil uncle has been gone for two years.  I have not seen him nor heard from him since that faithful night.  How can I then grieve his loss if he is not even dead?  How can I cry for him if he hasn’t moved away or lost a limb?  How dare I even have any feelings for him after everything he has done?  Yet, I have years of memories.  I have many pictures of everything we shared.  Even my first word was said to him.  If I destroy everything involving our past, I will be destroying part of me.  How dare he do this?  There was nothing my parents and I would not have done to make him happy. 

How can I reconcile my hate with these painful reminders of the lies?  How can I answer the many questions I have?   What is it he wanted…Money?  Then, he didn’t need to lie about my father.  I would have given him every single penny I had without asking anything.  My parents would have done the same.  We even had agreed on giving him half of my inheritance – should there be any.   

If he was jealous of my family, he was so blind because he never understood he was part of us as well.  How dare he say he didn’t know my father or even deny dad was ever part of the family?  His child was also an extension of our family, a dream come true for me.  I wanted to give her all the love I had.   

For crying out loud, my dad met him when he was six years old.

What hurts the most is this: everything I believed in was destroyed with his betrayal.  My ideas on family and my unconditional love for everyone around were stripped away from me.  Even worse, the pride I had in my family crumbled to the ground.  Every single one of their faults was magnified.  At times I have hated them all for not being perfect just the way they once were.  I learned there is no family.  You must fend for yourself or the world will eat you alive. 

“How to Survive the Loss of a Love” talks about the many stages of grieving and moving on.  I have yet to feel anything but hate.  The only way I will be ever to move on is by watching him suffer the most horrible of pain.  I want to see him come crawling back to us so I can kick him when he is begging for forgiveness.  He deserves nothing but misery and I will never forgive him.  Not now…not ever.  I want to feel his life leave his body.  I want him to see how much I hate him and how much his suffering pleases me.  If I could get away with his murder, I would do it.  His death is my dream.  Once he dies, maybe I will start to move on.

_______________________________________________

>30 Days of Me – Day 3

>Something you have to forgive yourself for…

I did not blog yesterday because the next two parts of my monthly project will probably be one of the hardest ones to write about.

To be blunt – subtlety is not my strong point: I don’t believe in forgiveness.

The mere concept of it is so foreign, meaningless, and cliche to me.

Honestly, if people actually thought before they acted and hurt each other, we would not have the need to forgive nor to ask for forgiveness.

I have been wronged so many times by so many people over and over that I expect to be hurt.

Now, when it comes to me…

Throughout my life, I have FUCKED up many times.  Sometimes the same mistakes have been made over and over.  People have been hurt by my actions.

Nothing has been learned – or so it seems.

I need a constant reminder of how much I have screwed up in my life.

If I were to forgive myself for anything, it would feel like a cope out.

It would feel like I just cleaned my slate and I will room for another mistake.

No thanks…

I am happy not forgiving myself.

>30 Days of Me – Day 2

>Something you love about yourself

As I posted yesterday, I don’t like myself very much.

However, there are a few personality traits of mine that are very cool and I tend to enjoy.

One will be my comedic timing – this is more of a joke as my husband does not get my jokes.

But…

My two favorite thing about myself are:

• Sarcasm and dark views on the world: it’s a way to cope

I found this picture here

• My uncanny ability to absorb and store useless trivia, especially Hollywood trivia:

Label Generator

Out of the two, I love my trivia ways the most.  It is not good enough to go on Jeorpardy!  But, it is great for celebrities.

On a side note, I have known the answer for one Final Jeopardy! Question.  My record should have been two, but damn NFL and Chicago teams!  I got confused and missed it!

I can’t remember half  most of my business classes, but do not get me started on who Brad Pitt dated back in the 80s because I will know it.

I don’t know why I love trivia so much. 

I seek it and I learn it so quickly. 

I pull out my knowledge at the least appropriate times.

Maybe I should think about a career change for I don’t belong in business!

>30 Days of Me – Day 1

>Something you hate about yourself

If I were to tell you that I pretty much hate everything about myself, would you believe it?

Well, neither did my husband FullEclipse, but he now realizes the depth of my own self hatred and loathing.

Imagine being with your worst enemy 24/7.  This is what it feels like to be me.  I hate my own reflection in the mirror.  I hate the way my voice sounds…my accent…the way I write…how stupid I feel/am…all of me is what I hate.  If I had the same feelings for someone else, I would have put that person out of his/her misery a long time ago. 

Argh!!!

I find it very hard to narrow it down to just one thing that sticks out more than anything.

There are a few things that bother me: my weight gain, my need to be accepted, my inability to stand up for what I believe in, my need to feel loved all the time, my anxiety, my lack of wanting to get better, quitting college, not applying myself, etc.

But since I can only pick one thing, I would say this:

I HATE MY ANXIETY.

I hate what this disorder has done to me.  It has robbed me of many memories and experiences.  I feel trapped and with no way out.  The older I get, the stronger my anxiety becomes.

To be honest, I feel that if my anxiety were to disappear, all/most of my feelings of hatred towards myself would begin to subside and maybe I would be able to enjoy myself just enough to begin to like me.

>30 Days of Me

>I have been suffering from major writer’s block lately.

A lot of things happened in September that I wish I could put into words.  I just can’t find the right combination to make my writer’s block go away!

Since the purpose of my blog is to explore my feelings, rant, and let it all out, time has come it is to resume where I left off.  My anxiety has kicked into high gear and I have forsaken my only outlet.

I found this list on a blog I read, and what better way to start my blogging than with a list of things to write about.

No need to stress about writing material.

Thanks to this wonderful blogger for giving me such a nice start 🙂

Link to picture

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself