>Bruised!!!

>I have had my ego bruised once or twice…maybe some bruised bones too.  My pinkie toe had a freaky accident once.  The healing was, for a lack of a better word, interesting.

However, I never had a bruised rib.  Alright, a SEMI-bruised rib.  A doctor hasn’t confirmed this diagnosis for sure.  Truth be told, I hate going to the doctor.  In my defense, I visit the same doctor I had while I lost 105 lbs.  Because I gained a lot of the weight back, I am very ashamed to be seen by anyone there.  Plus, the girls at the office give me this glare and pitiful look.  They make me feel like a criminal rather than a patient. 

I posted earlier this week (I think) that I had hurt myself carrying Packzi.  My pain lingered over the next couple of days.  Adding to this pain, I was yawing a lot.  I was taking deep breaths because I felt like I wasn’t getting enough oxygen.  Breathing became really painful.  Also, I felt very panicky.     My anxiety kicks into high gear when it feels like I am running out of breath.

FullEclipse said I might have a bruised rib.  He mentioned that most likely, my breaths were shallow because in the back of my mind, I didn’t want to breath heavily due to the pain.  Since, my body wasn’t getting oxygen, I was taking deep breaths.  His explanation made a lot of sense – not to say eased my mind about the anxiety.

You would think that I would seek professional help to confirm FullEclipse’s suspicions.  Nope!  Instead of seeing someone with a medical degree, my search took me to my faithful friend: THE INTERNET.  Come on, the Internet never lies does it?  I looked at more than one site, so there is no way my old Internet friend COULD be wrong, right?

I typed in “bruised ribs” and my fears were confirmed.  My ribs were bruised.  There is nothing I can really do other than let my body heal.  This is easier said than done as I have to lift boxes at work.  I also can’t sit still at work so this rib issue poses a real problem.  I worked a lot today.  We’ll see what happens tonight. 

Oh well…at least I know what is wrong with me this time!

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>Found!

>I was so lucky to find a way to retreive my lost post.  It was posted on June 8th, 2010.

Let me tell you, for a while, I thought I had no hope.  If FullEclipse had deleted his browsing history, I would not have retrieved my post. 

I found an awesome webiste that helped me with my problem.  This man is a life saver.  His website is full of great tips for blogging.  I don’t understand half of it, but I don’t think it will take me too long to figure out the basics. 

Check him out: Blogger tips

>LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>OMG!!

I Just realized that I lost one of my favorite posts.  It was my first douche of the week award.  I put so much effort into it.  Did I delete it by accident?  What happened?

I am so pissed off at myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If anyone knows how I can get it back, please let me know.  I look into the blog cache, but I didn’t find it.

😦 

>Lovely Conversations with my husband

>I love getting a rise out of FullEclipse at times.

Normally, I do it with my crazy thinking and off the wall remarks.  He has a hard time following my train of thought because I jump from subject to subject without giving him a fair warning.

Sometimes, I just say stuff that I know will make him roll his eyes at me.  Being, the good husband that he is, FullEclipse is a great sport about it and doesn’t comment back on what I say.

Today, was not one of those days!

Here is our conversation:

Me – “Ouch, I am in pain.”
FullEclipse – “Take some medicine.  I don’t understand how you can be in pain.”
Me, – “Because I like to be in pain.  It makes me feel like I AM ALIVE.”
FullEclipse, – “Oh shut up you emo!”

I left the kitchen laughing!

I got the reaction that I wanted!!!!!!!

I love my husband 🙂

>Is there a….???

>….Patron Saint for Stupid Injuries and Lost Causes?  I really need his/her help!

I consider myself to be a fairly smart woman.  I am not a genius, but I can hold my own when I am in school and in life – unless I get overcome by my emotions. 

But, I tend to be clumsy at times a lot!

Despite having a good memory for trivial and stupid things, I can’t name of all the stupid injuries I have gotten lately.  I really can’t fathom recalling the injuries in the past year!

How does this happen?  Take this week: I found a bruise under my arm.  I vaguely remember hitting something, but I don’t remember how hard I hit it.  Next, I get a pain on my shin.  What do you know?  I have a bruise.  Once again, I have not idea where or how it happened.  Finally, I hurt my ribs and back!  Yesterday, my mother and I went to the mall to give Packzi some quality time together.  Since I don’t’ drive, she took us.  We walked for a while.  I took her to children play area to burn some energy.  When it was time to come home to sleep, Packzi was so tired that I carried her most of the way back to the car AT THE OTHER END OF THE MALL.  I got home and when I laid down, the pain hit me.  It knocked me out.  I was supposed to spend some quality time with FullEclipse, but that didn’t happen.

So..today I am in pain. 

But on the good side, my bruises are going away!

Am I the only clumsy person in the world?

>More random stuff

>I can’t believe it’s only Wednesday.  Work has been very busy because the end of the month is almost here.  Everyone (our customers) rushes their work and we have to pick up their slack (plus ours).

I feel like I don’t have enough time to get everything done.  Plus, if you factor in my never ending worries, you can imagine how things go.  I don’t want to go without blogging for too long so here is another survey stolen from my facebook:

1. It is midnight. Who are you texting?
No one. I am passed out. Oh how times have changed. Before my daughter was born, I was up at midnight playing City of Heroes.  Also, if someone were to text me at midnight, it would probably be someone with a death wish!  I wake up early so I need my sleep.

2. It is Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually?
On my way home wishing it were Friday so I can catch up on Criminal Minds or other shows.

3. Who are the last four people to send you a text message?
My husband.

4. What is on your mind right now?
The economy, the business, paying bills and saving my house, my daughter being picky with dinner, losing weight, hating myself for not getting over my panic attacks, wondering why John Mayer is so attractive, the new Twilight move, dessert, and wondering why the dogs are so quiet. I multi task so I can think about 10 things at the same time.

5. Do you know how to play chess?
I tried to learn once, but I got bored and upset because I didn’t learn it quickly.

6. What are you listening to?
The t.v. and actually the house is way too quiet.  Not a good thing with a toddler and dogs: it means trouble.

7. Your Christmas list consists of:
I don’t’ know. I am still working on my b-day list.

8. Do you ever go in chat rooms?
No. They are a thing of the past.

9. You are going to New York for shopping, where do you go first?
The Manolo Blahnik store: HELLO!!

10. You need a new pair of shoes, what store do you go to first?
Depends on what type of shoes I need 🙂

11. How do you feel about your hair?
I want to dye it red.  I get bored with the way my hair looks often so I find ways to alter it 🙂

12. What time do you wake up for school/work?
5:00 to 5:30

13. What movie is in your DVD player?
Most likely, a Twilight movie 🙂

14. Last two numbers in your phone number?
Don’t you wish you knew 🙂

15. Who calls you by a nickname?
My husband and dad. Of course, my City of Heroes friends who know me as the awesome Queen Frigid.

16. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
The one that is not closest to my bathroom!

17. Do you like roller coasters?
Used to, until I got panic attacks 😦

18. Favorite T.V. show?
Criminal Minds (so in love with Reid), NCIS, SATC, and The Closer.

19. Your last IM was from?
From Scott

20. Favorite Beverage?
Diet Coke for drinking and a Iced Venti Decaf 3 pump white Non-Fat Marble Mocha Macchiato.

21. When is the next time you will kiss someone of the opposite sex?
Tonight before I go to bed.

22. What do your pants look like?
I am not wearing pants, but shorts.

23. Are you tired?
Always.

24. Do you have to pee?
Nope.

25. Would you kiss the cook of tonight’s dinner?
Well yeah, he is my husband.

26 So what is going on?
Getting ready to go to bed!!

27. Laugh much?
No. Actually, the last time I smiled/laughed, my face hurt from not exercising my smiling muscles.

28. What are your plans for Saturday?
Depends on how the daughter feels.

29. What is the dumbest thing you have ever done with your cell phone?
Download “Born to be Alive” as a ring tone.

30. Favorite sit down restaurant?
It depends on my mood.

31. Bubble gum flavor of choice?
Don’t chew gum.

32. Do you want to take something back that happened in the last week?
A lot of stuff. I don’t’ regret anything. I just want to get some things straightened out.

33. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A dictator so I can take over the world!!

34. The most excitement you had this week?
Nothing extincting has happened.

35. What do you usually order at Taco Bell?
Nothing. Not a very vegetarian friendly place.  Taco Bell is not real Mexican food 😛

36. Have you ever sat all the way through Gone With the Wind?
Oh God Lord, a chick flick? YUCK!!

37. When was the last time you were up all night?
Last year when we got robbed.

38. Favorite Board Game?
Don’t have one.

39. Where is your favorite place?
CHICAGO

40. Do you ever think about the price of gasoline?
I don’t drive, so why should I?

41. Do you sleep with a fan on?
Yep

42. What is the best thing about winter?
The cold

43. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
Only when it deals with people who are truly stupid or piss me off. No sense in dealing with them.

44. What makes you feel like you are young again?
Playing video games.

45. Are you currently planning a trip?
No. 

46. Who was the last person you read something out loud to?
I don’t remember.

47. Last time you forced yourself to do something?
This morning…I went to work – I stole this answer because it is so true 😛

48. Have you ever googled your name and found somebody else?
No. I am so unique

49. Who is your number one on your top?
???? WTF…maybe this a myspace survey

50. Do you drive?
Nope 😦 Panic attacks.

>George Carlin

>Today marks the Second Anniversary of George Carlin’s death.

I can’t believe it has been so long since he died.  His wit and humor have been missed.  I feel like there is a huge comedic void that cannot be filled.  No one can compete with George Carlin for he was a true master.  I was lucky enough to see him two years in a row in Las Vegas.  I made it a point to go to his shows both times.  My only regret is not being able to see his show one more time him before he died. 

Besides being a Supreme Court Case, George Carlin has accomplished the impossible when it comes to me! (not that he would have cared, but it’s nice to mention it).  He has made me laugh until my stomach hurt.  Very few people have done this to me.  I mean look at the picture to your left.  Isn’t he funny?  Seriously though, I don’t laugh often, but with George Carlin, I laughed until I cried. 

So much has happened in the past two years that I wish he could be here to see it.  He was kind of my gauge for contempt for the world because he often said what people are too afraid to say and made no apologies.

George Carlin touched on so many taboo topics.  He could dish it out.  Where did you go?  
 
Back when I used to fly, his “Airplane Safety Lecture” stand up often played in the back of my mind.  Look it up…it’s really funny.

When I first heard George Carlin, I hated him.  I didn’t understand him at all.  After a few years, I guess my sarcasm and general anger for stupidity, made me appreciate him.  I took an Economics class and my professor had a piece of his stand up routine.  It was the “Business Man Lullaby.”  Everything just began to come together.  I then purchased “Brain Droppings,” and it all made sense.

Tonight, I will watch one of his videos and laugh.

Wherever you are George, you are missed!

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house” – George Carlin

>Just more random bits about me!

>Since I didn’t post anything over the weekend, I borrowed another survey/note from Facebook:

1. My ex…is still friends with me and works with me.

2. Maybe I should…start working out if I want to lose more weight.

3. I love…Starbucks.

4. People would say I’m…bitchy, mean, cool and too caring at times. It depends on who is saying it 😛

5. I don’t understand…why I suffer from anxiety attacks.

6. When I wake up in the morning… I seem to be more alert than most people.

7. I lost my…belief in people as a whole.

8. Life is…rough, but I have my husband, daugther, and dogs. I will make it somehow.

9. My past…should be blogged about.  Most people will think I am making it all up.  Trust me, I am not!

10. I get annoyed… by those who abuse animals. I can’t stand it!

11. Parties are… something I never did much of, but wish I had

12. I wish…I learned to love myself and stop being my worst enemy.

13. Dogs… are so much fun and trouble. I want lots of dogs.

14. Cats… are something I like and would enjoy to have a fluffy one, but we are a dog oriented family.  I also happen to be allergic to cats.  I didn’t even know it until this year!  I had a cat when I was a little girl.  How did that happen?

15. Tomorrow…I will be older and hopefully a bit wiser.  Maybe, tomorrow things will turn around.

16. I have low tolerance for…a lot of things, specially stupidity.

17. If I had a million dollars… I would pay off my house, debts and use the rest for shoes.

18. I am totally terrified of… snakes!!!!

19. My spouse is…what evens me out.

20. My life… is more complicated than you can imagine. If you want to know, ask.

>Douche of the Week Award

>Whoa…what a weekend!

Okay, I didn’t do much this weekend – or any weekend prior to this one for that matter.  It just sounds cool if you pretend that you actually have a social life, which I don’t!  It seems that my recluse ways have not changed at all.

But…I still managed to nap and celebrate Father’s Day with my father (BossMonkey) and FullEclipse.  By the way, if you are ever in Southern California, I totally recommend you find your nearest Lazy Dog Cafe.  Order their “Doggie Bowl Sunday.”  It is so good!

Anyway, it is time to award my prestigious “Douche of the Week Award.”  It has been such a close contest.  So many things to consider and so many douches!  Who would have thought that I would have three finalists?  Seriously, what is going on with the world?  As much as I don’t want to bestow this honor, I can’t get away from these people. 

The three top contenders were: Starbucks (unheard of!), Lens Crafters (total rip off), and Snoop Dog.

And the winner is: SNOOP DOG!!

The funny thing about his win is the fact that he popped up on my radar yesterday.  Starbucks was the winner, but this was just too much for me to ignore.

I was watching “True Blood” and at the end, HBO had a video premier of a Snoop Dog song.  Okay…fair enough!  I decided to watch it.  I mean, the song could be good, right?  Right?  OH MY GOD, the song was horrible, terrible, and anything that ends in “ible.”  If a show was to jump a “musical shark” at one point in time, this song did it.  Come on!  It is only the third season of the show.  Couldn’t the Alan Ball wait until the writers ran out of ideas?

The song just does not fit the theme of the show.  It belongs there as much as I belong in a size 00 Versace dress.  It felt awkward, overly commercial, and it made “True Blood” lose like a million cool points.

You know what really bothers me?  I stopped watching the show during the second season because it turned too boring and bizarre for my taste.  As much as I love my “Twilight”, I couldn’t stand the love story between the main characters.  Honestly, the one thing that kept me intrigued was Eric.  I wanted to see more of that gorgeous, yummy, man so I decided to give it another go.  Plus, WEREWOLVES were coming into the plot.  Hello!!  Werewolves.  I had to watch it again.  Little did I know about the nasty surprise that yesterday’s episode would have for me.

Thanks Snoop Dog for making a mockery out of this show.  For that reason, you receive “The Douche of the Week Award.”  Please stay the fuck away from “True Blood” and any other fantasy series.

>Anxiety

>Note: I have to this blog to air my thoughts.  Sometimes, they are funny.  Not Today for I am about to go into a subject that affects me every day. 

I suffer from panic attacks.

I have had this condition for a while now.

Honestly, admitting that I have this disorder makes it even harder for me to feel normal.  As if I didn’t feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.

I have many things that I have to deal with everyday.  Piling more and more issues can be very taxing to my psyche.  I feel so mentally weak.  There is so much that needs to get done that I don’t think I can take on any more stress.  Thinking about my anxiety does no good.

How will I ever get through this?

Am I strong enough?

Do I even want to get better?

I don’t like feeling weak so I have tried to downplay this condition at times.  Anxiety disorder carries such a stigma in society.  I often think that people look at you as if you were handicapped.  They look at you as if you were a leper…almost like you are not even a person. 

I want to DENY that I am not your typical human being.

This disorder can be so crippling that acknowledging its ugly presence gives it so much more power.  It gives it strength and stamina.  It chips away your freedom little by little.  As if it didn’t have a stronghold on me already!  What else can it take away from me? 

I want to be who I was before an E.R. doctor diagnosed me.

I have lost so much.

My mind never stops thinking.  I gets so tiring!

I often see the opportunities that I have missed.  I reflect back on who I was and what I have become.  I am ashamed and disgusted with how I turned out.  I was so outgoing.  I loved roller coasters and adventure.  I wanted to see the world.  Now, I can’t even go out to the airport.  Confronting someone even when I am right sends me into panic mode.  I fear driving.  I do…I really do so I have never learned to how to drive.  Really, how fucking lame am I?

I often withdraw and get lost in my thoughts that everything else gets put aside. 

I need an outlet…a healthy way to let go of everything that drags me down. 

I have a gorgeous daughter who deserves nothing but my 100%.  She deserves a mother who will give her the best life.  Someone who can enrich her life and not drag her down.  My husband deserves to be loved by a person who is not afraid of her own shadow. 

I am on medication, but it does nothing.  I have tried different types of medicine, but the side effects were too much for me. 

I had to quit my psychologist a year ago.

I feel really empty at times.

My life is like a big jig saw puzzle.  Once completed, it will be beautiful…a piece of art.  As of right now, many pieces are missing.  These pieces are scattered all over the place.  I just can’t find them all. 

I am so full of regret at times…I used to say that I never regretted anything.  I was lying to myself.  I still see regret as a major character flaw…like you weren’t smart enough to see the road ahead.  Even to this day, I will say I have no regrets.

I want to wake up one day and take a deep breath.  I hope that it will be the one breath that releases me from my own fucked up mental world.  

I don’t know…

Some days I just don’t know.

Some days I feel so fucking alone…even if I have my husband at my side.

I feel so misunderstood by him and the whole world.

I have some ideas as to what I could do.

But…I am afraid that I will end up in such a dark place where everything I ever believed in will be upside down.  I know(or at least hope so) life will make sense, but the mere shock of having your world so drastically changed makes me cringe.  I call this drastic change my own 9/11.  These changes are so dramatic that it takes a lot to even realize what has happened.  I already went through with one of these events and I still do not want to acknowledge it happened.  I am still angry, hurt, and in dire need of revenge.   

If only I had faith…

Am I just really a lost case?