Letting Go of My Little Sidekick

K2 has been my faithful companion for almost five years.  Minus the two therapy trips in the recent years (a total of four night) and the hospital stay for the Ketus’ birth, he has never left my side.  Because the church in charge of Paczki’s preschool was absorbed by a larger congregation, the cost to send K2 was more than we could afford.  Our regular expenses, debts, and school loans did not leave any money to pay tuition plus the other mandatory expenses.  Don’t you just love Catholic schools?  We did not qualify for state programs.  The best solution was to keep K2 with me until he was able to attend Kindergarten.

I returned to work almost a year after I had K2.  So, for the past four years, he has been in the office with me.  As he grew older, he became an important fixture in the shop.  His toys are scattered all over the office.  Right now, his “job” is to go in the back to get my parents when I need them.  He is my little messenger.  K2 loves his job.  When I was pregnant with the Ketus, K2 helped me as much as he could.

I knew the time would come when he would have to go to school.  I was okay with it until it became a reality.  I thought I would have until August to get used to the idea of my little guy not being around me.  Well, life is funny.  The school he will attend offers a summer program.  At first, I wanted to keep my boy with me.  Then, he began to show signs that he was done with the office.  He gets bored and wants to be in the back of the shop.  This is not a good way to grow up.  FullEclipse and I enrolled him in summer camp.  K2 will have Paczki to keep him company.  This is a great thing for my boy.  There will be special field trips (freaking out about that!) and other activities which will prepare him for school.  Paczki had a leg up coming into the school since she knew basic stuff.  K2 has no had any training.  Add the complexity of the dual immersion program, and he will be behind.  The camp works with kids to get them ready.  It is a great opportunity for growth for him.

But it is happening too soon.  Camp begins on Monday.  My boy will be gone from 9:00 in the morning until 4:00 in the afternoon.  The reality has not sunk in yet.  I suppose it is a good thing that it happened now.  I will not have the whole summer to think about it.  Plus, the kids get bored with me in the office.

I do not know what is going to happen on Monday.  All I know is that letting go is so hard.  I will miss him with all of my heart.  The Ketus will too.  At least, I get to give my baby undivided attention.  Three kids require a lot of work.




Worst Blogger Ever!

Last time I was here, I was about to enjoy time off before I had to take the last class for my major.  There was a post about a trip to Ohio and then this place went silent.  This was not my intention.  A lot of things have happened in a year.  When I wrote those posts, I was pregnant with the Ketus.  It was a rough pregnancy.  But, my wonderful little girl, was born healthy in October of 2015.  Being a mom to three kids is not easy.  In the middle of the pregnancy, I still had to function and complete school.  FullEclipse traveled for work during this time too.  It was a cluster fuck.

But I am back!

Back to rant.

Back to say what I need to say.

I hope I was missed.


Travel Adventures

At the end of January, I decided to bite the bullet and book a trip somewhere.  As I had posted before, I was getting back to my old ways of anxiety.  I felt like I was going down a path that I did not like.

So, I looked around and decided to go to Ohio.

Well, you may be asking, “Why Ohio?”

The answer is simple.  For the past few years, I have been part of a secret group in Facebook.  We all come from different backgrounds, countries, and nationalities.  It is a fun hide away from the world.  We have a lot of things in common.  A few of the members had met before.  They all had a blast.  I wanted to get up to one of the get together for a while, but timing was always an issue.

The latest meeting (I like to call them symposium) was going to take place right after my Winter Semester.  I jumped at the opportunity and booked a trip.  I also made plans to share a room with a friend who was pregnant (this will be important to remember).

I consulted with Dr. Redemption (though his name will soon be changed).  I got my Xanax and off I went to Ohio.

The first part of the trip went well.  I got on the freeway with my dad (he is a big trigger for anxiety) and made it to the airport okay.  I boarded the plane with no anxiety.  Everything was going great until someone said, “is there a doctor on the plane?”  Someone was having medical problems.  I made it through that incident just fine.

Ohio was a fucking blast.  I had so much fun with everyone.  I felt accepted.  No one cared about my accent (OH MY GOD!  I have an accent).  It was nice to be with people who cursed and just loved to have fun.  Lots of drinks, cards for humanity, food, and snow.

My return flight, however, was a total bust.  I was scheduled to return on a Sunday morning.  I didn’t sleep on Saturday because the flight was going to leave early.  Getting a few hours of sleep made no sense.  Well, that was a bad call on my part.  My Xanax took forever to kick in.  I was tired.  The flight was going to be delayed until they could defrost the wings of the plane, the check line was busy and I thought I was going to miss the flight.  It was a cluster fuck of bad events.  I felt like an attack was coming.  I almost jumped out and said, “get me the fuck out of here.”

The one thing that kept me focused was my kids.  I had to get back to them no matter what…and I did!

I have to say, I feel like a failure for not getting things under control.  At this point, I do not think I made any progress with my anxiety.  In fact, I have this feeling that I went back a few steps.

I guess only time will tell…right?


Five Glorious Weeks!!!!!!!!!!!

As of last Saturday, my semester is over!  I turned in all my assignments a week early.  For the next five week, there is nothing to worry about.  No papers to turn in.  No more begging FullEclipse to proof read anything!

I just completed all the classes I needed for my major and minor.  It is such a relief to be almost done.  My last class will be the dreaded – 9 unit, political science, BS course everyone has to take in order to graduate.  I hope I do well enough because I have a fantastic GPA.  It would suck if my GPA dropped on a class that has nothing to do with Cyber Security.  There are rumors about the grading being based on your political views.  If that is the case, I do not think I will do well in such a conservative class.  I thought about faking my views, but I cannot.  Lately I have felt this need to say whatever the hell is on my mind.

With any luck, I will be done by the end of September.  Then, it will be time to repay 30,000 dollars in school loans.

Good times – said no one ever!

I am happy to be almost done.  It is just a scary prospect with everything that is coming down the line this year.


One Year Ago

Almost a year ago I was in Chicago.  It was a quick trip to test my nerves.  It was a huge accomplishment to be able to get on the airplane.  I felt on top of the world.

And here I stand, a year later in another rut.  Still gaining weight and getting back to old habits.  I cannot let my anxiety win.  But it is so hard.  The truth is that I miss Dr. Inception like crazy.  It feels like we still had issues we needed to address.  Do not get me wrong, Dr. Absolution is great.  I am not quite there with him.  Maybe this is just me.  Perhaps I just need to grow the fuck up, get over my anxiety, and lose weight.

For now, I weep.

Semester’s Projects – Ready for Review!

I just e-mailed FullEclipse my last paper for the semester.  This one was just as important (at least to me) as the capstone project. My hope is to go into Cyber Forensics.  A bad grade will give me some serious doubts about my career path.

I am so spent!  I have no more creative words.  I do not want to even think about writing for my next classes.  I have a whole week off.  My plan is to blog a bit and read ahead.  My semester begins the week of Thanksgiving.  Even though I do not really care much for the holiday, I want to spend it without having to worry about school work.

Once FullEclipse proofreads my work, I can submit my assignments and wait for the grades to come.  The capstone was not as bad as I had thought.  I guess that after knowing what is in store for me in the stupid 9 credit class I am forced to take, this project seemed like child’s play.

Graduation is just a few classes away.  It will take me another year to complete my degree.  It is so close I can taste it.signature


Well, that was an unexpected turn of events in regards to going off medication.  Nothing could have prepared me for the rage going through my body in the past two weeks.  To be short and to the point – I am unhinged.  Truly, unhinged.  My attitude has changed a lot.  I never realized how much more mellow my medication made me.  If you ask FullEclipse, I am anything but mellow.

But honestly, I can feel the difference.  Everything angers me.  There is just pure rage coming off my pores.  The gates are open and the fallout is interesting.

I went from trying to please everyone in spite of how I felt to not giving a damn about what comes out of my mouth.  The kids are the one ones who don’t get to see this side of me when I speak to them.

As refreshing as it feels to say what I think, it is not good.  People get upset.  I get angrier.  Nothing good comes out of it.  It feels like I should bow down and let people walk all over me.

I guess I am lost because the change in behavior was unexpected.

Even this post does not make sense in my head.

I will speak with Dr. Redemption next week.  Being off medications might not be in the cards for me at all.  If I give up now, it feels like I am quitter.  However, if I don’t nip this issue in the butt right away, I will end up causing a lot of trouble because I hurt people.


I Should Have Pulled the Plug First

WordPress ate my first post!!!

I am so mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, this is going to be a long and wordy post full of rage.  Rage not because I was dropped as a friend, but because I should have been the one to do it first.  In the spirit of being liked, I dragged on a friendship longer than I should have.

The first part of my rant went something like this:

 Bitch please!  Do you think I won’t notice you put me on a restricted list on Facebook?  Do you think you are doing this to a fucking moron?  I know what you did.  What you should have done is pick up the damn phone to air any grievances you had because quite frankly, you are more at fault.  But, go ahead, listen to your small appendage man.  The open road cleared your head?  Sure it did!  Second, don’t fucking use my analogy of relationships being like a business.  WE TALKED ABOUT THIS not too long ago.  You didn’t come up with it.  You stole it!  Whatever.  Like short man, you refuse to see the truth.  Don’t worry, I dropped you as a “friend.”  In case you didn’t know, there is an unfriend button on Facebook.  Learn how to use.  Boy am I glad you chose not to be a teacher.  Good riddance.

Now that my anger is gone, I can sit down to write down exactly what has happened with this friend in the past few years to see how we ended up here.  Here is the story:

When I moved back from Chicago with FullEclipse, one of our morning routines was to stop by the local Starbucks on my way to work.  One of the Baristas was from Chicago as well.  This fact, along with being our age, created a relationship that went beyond your typical, “what would you like to drink?” banter.  When I became pregnant with Paczki, Barista would sneak in a dollop of whipped cream even though I was not really supposed to get sweets.  Paczki was born and the relationship continued to develop.

One afternoon, Barista was sitting in her car looking upset.  FullEclipse asked her what was up.  Barista was having issues with her father and step mother.  We asked her to come over to our house to get a nice meal and forget about her troubles.  From then on, our house was open to Barista anytime she wanted to come over.  We included her in our festivities and we did the same.  She spent the night in our old house once or twice.  It was a good friendship even if there were things about her we did not like.  For example, she was always late.  I mean always.  Other people might consider it rude but we made that part of her quirks.  I would try to schedule things to accommodate her schedule and times.  We had to pencil in dates to see each other because she was so buy.  Once again, it was part of the friendship and I am sure there were times when I could not meet up with her due to life.  I always tried.

When she met her now husband (small man), I was very happy for her.  They reconnected and met up over a Christmas holiday.  From her demeanor, I knew it was serious.  I remember having a conversation about love over summer.  I told her, “you will find the one sooner than you think.”  We met small man.  He was charming and nice.  He got my phone number and texted me once or twice.  Small man also befriended me on Facebook.  Through his posts I could see he was a conservative man whose political and other views did not align with mine.  Not a big deal because I have friends who come from different backgrounds.

Barista and I would talk about the prospect of marrying small man.  She was happy.  We even talked about me helping her with the wedding and being part of it.

Almost a year into the relationship, they had issues.  He did not like a friend of Barista’s.  Despite the problems, they stayed together.  Small man texted me to get help in regards to getting the ring size for Barista.  Yes, he was about to propose.  At this point, they were living together.  Do you remember the friend of Barista’s he hated?  Small man asked her to help him plan the proposal.

Things continued to go well – or so I thought.  We went out with small man and Barista.  We picked up the tab on most of the outings because they did not have money.  We did not care because money is nothing compared with friendship.  We were never invited to their place (we went once).  They never paid for anything for us.  Once again, that did not matter.  It was always about them not having money.  At least, that was always something Barsita would bring up even if her Facebook profile was full of pictures of them doing things that did not say, “we are broke.”  Because I know how social media can be, I didn’t think too much of it.  Facebook and blogging are only a glimpse of life.

That September, I asked Barista to come celebrate my birthday.  Obviously, small man was invited.  She agreed.  Within half an hour she called back crying.  She was hysterical.  All I got was, “can’t talk and I can’t comment.”  Then nothing for two weeks.  Facebook gave me an updated from being engaged to being single.  I felt like crap.  Two weeks of silence.  FullEclipse kept me from calling Barista every hour.  He said Barista will reach to me if I was needed.

When Barista finally got in touch with me, the first thing I was asked was “what did you tell small man about marrying me?”  Can I say I was shocked?  I said nothing!!  From what she told me and from what I could piece together, when Barista told small man about coming over for my birthday, he made a remark about me.  In short, he blamed me for proposing to her.  YOU READ IT CORRECTLY.  I was blamed for their engagement.  I guess I pressured him into proposing?  Please tell me how this is my fault because two years later, I am still puzzled.  They had an argument where things escalated.  Basically, small man needed an excuse to start a fire with Barista.

I was mad because it takes some balls to use another person to air your issues.  Real men would never do this.  This was the beginning of the end of the relationship.  Dr. Backstreet Boy heard me talk about my anger for a very long time.  To be honest, I did not even want to be around small man.  In the spirit of the friendship, I kept in touch even if FullEclipse asked me drop this friendship.

Things continued “normally” even if part of me harbored a lot of resentment towards small man.  We still went out with the golden couple.  We still paid for their stuff.  We still changed our schedule to accommodate theirs.  I was feeling the stress because walking on eggshells around small man made me emotionally tired and upset.

When the wedding came, I was almost at my breaking point.  The invite to the wedding shower came.  I went to both events because Barista always had warned me not to miss her wedding.  I could not say no to the shower.  She was happy when I showed up to both.  By the way, I was not asked to be part of her wedding.  This hurt a lot since Barista asked a lady who she only knew through small man to be part of the wedding party.  Still..I wanted it to work.  By the way, the friend who helped small man with the proposal was on shaky ground with Barista.  Something about Barista opening her eyes.  This should have been a huge clue of things to come because small man did not like this friend at all.

The golden couple was invited to Christmas and kids parties.  The last party was something I had to schedule to fit her time table.

FullEclipse told me not to take the wedding thing too personally.  He also said this, “you don’t mean the same to people as they do to you.”

A few months ago, Barista asked me to lunch (which I paid for).  I cannot tell you what we talked about even if the friendship is gone.  I was asked to keep things a secret.  The only thing I said was how hurt I was about small man using me as a pawn.

In July we got an invite to Barista’s birthday party.  It took me a while to reply because we were asked to pay for a painting class she wanted to attend.  No, we were not paying for her.  We had to pay for our spots.  After bending backwards throughout the friendship, this was something I really didn’t want to do.  In retrospect, I should have said something soon.  But, given the history by now, I was having a hard time making sense of it all.

The story is almost over I promise.

When FullEclipse was laid off, Barista and I talked on the phone.  She told me she was quitting her pursuit of being a teacher because the time she put into it was not worth it.  Honestly, small man was complaining about the lack of time they had together.  I understood her other reasons too.  My gut feeling, however, said that the main reason was small man and his many insecurities.

The last time we got together, the golden told us they were moving out of state because small man had lost his job.  I always had a feeling he would want to move back home because SoCal is not the type of place where his views are well received.  They talked AGAIN about the lack of money and how they wanted to live.  I understood this because this place is not cheap.  I still don’t have a house.  We asked them to keep in touch before they left.  I texted her to see if she was driving small small home.  She said yes a day after I texted her.  That was a long time to respond.

Then something happened.

I kept looking at Barista’s Facebook page and nothing made sense.  One thing is to be living pay check to pay check and the other is just to flaunt a lifestyle that screams, “SOMETHING IS FISHY!”  Trampoline classes….dinners, outings, etc.  All spontaneous.  That’s great but we had to pencil in getting together ahead of time.  We had to accommodate their life to have them in ours.

I was getting pissed.

So I dropped Barista from my newsfeed.

I began to pull away.

Because I could no longer see her on my feed, I had no idea as to what was going on.  I went to her wall once only to see her car broke down.  She commented on some of my posts in the last week, but I never responded back.  Again, I should have said something but I was too angry to engage in our regular banter.  Her lifestyle did not make sense to what I was told.

Then on Thursday I woke up from a dream where Barista and I had a fallout on Facebook.  Lo and behold, I woke up to see I was put on a restricted list.  FullEclipse told me she posted something on Monday about how friendships are like business and how she was put a lot into some friendships and to take my business elsewhere.  No my name was not mentioned but given the time frame of events, it was pretty clear to me.

A few  things jumped at me.

Barista said she had time to think about this over the open road.  That means small man finally broke her down.  The lack of Facebook communication combined with the time they spent together helped him.  Just like it happened with the friend who helped with the proposal.  He worked Barista to the point where she dropped friendships of years.

Barista still kept another friend with full Facebook “access” even though Barista would complain about how this friend only spoke to her to be negative or get gossip.  Talk about being a hypocrate.

It was an eye opener but it did not lessen my anger and shock.

It was an underhanded, cowardly move on small man and her.

But they deserve each other.

FullEclipse was kept on as a friend until this afternoon.

FullEclipse posted the following:

True friends will accept you for who you are and not what they want you to be! – my wife had to learn this the hard way I told her to drop a friendship long ago. She didn’t listen.
I guess the truth hurt too much.
I want to email her to let her know what a shitty person she turned out to be and how she and small man deserve each other.
I will try to let it go.
Or bore Dr. Redemption with my rants.
Should I say something

Germs Cause the Disease Known As….

…feeling like ass!

This is a bleh post because I feel bleh.

So about the condition known as feeling like ass….

….At least, the medical profession should look into this illness because it has gotten into my system.  For the last few days, I have been feeling off even my school work fell behind.  On Friday, my father (BSSMKY) actually made me take a nap at work.  This never happens.  Big clue that something was amiss.

It was great to take a rest, but I woke up lost.  To add more confusion to the situation, I realized that the time I had allocated for school was taken up by making up for the nap!  The weekend was a blur.  Thankfully FullEclipse took the K Kids out on Saturday.  By Sunday, my school work was all done.

But, this week has been so bad!  Yesterday afternoon, my nose became runny.  I refused to search Dr. Google, MD because my search results on the symptoms would have been something along the lines of, “YOUR PROSTATE IS ON FIRE!”  What my friends suggested was nothing more than an allergy attack.  Really?  At 3-5 (or 25 years + 10 of awesome) I develop allergies?  The answer was a good one because there is nothing I hate more than getting a cold.  Since yesterday was the date of my move to the states, it figures I would get a nice present from my body.

I had a dinner and Girl Scout date with my Paczki.  Getting medication was not an option.  My body would have to go without medication until I got home.  By 6:00 p.m., I was miserable!  As in, I want to curl up in the middle of the school cafeteria until the morning?  In my haze, two things happened – I agreed wot co-direct Paczki’s troop (I never fucking learn!)  and FullEclipse called to say he was hit by another driver.

After many phone calls, I was able to concentrate on Paczki.  We got home after 7:30.  FullEclipse came home with BSSMKY and K2.  He had the most wonderful present – anti allergy medication which didn’t work as I slept like ass too (another medical mystery!).

Today is a short day for Paczki.  As soon as I get home, I will lay down.

Ah crap!!