Semi New Tattoo

Right before I took another giant step towards my anxiety recovery, I received news that someone from my past was doing something to harm my family’s well being.  Because things have to been resolved, I am not going to get into any details.  At least, not yet.

Anyway, the family was set to take a trip outside of the country on Thursday March 27th.  That Monday was just a regular day until we got the news.  I had anxiety and lots of anger.  For a moment, I thought about postponing the trip.  But that person had a stronghold on me for many years.  The abuse and self esteem hits I took from this person came back.

Thanks to my FullEclipse, family, and Dr. Inception, I decided to say FUCK YOU and go on the trip.  However, I needed a distraction.  So I got this:

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This tattoo had been in the works for a while.  It is a Kabbalah symbol to guard off anxiety.  It is supposed to help with mental healing.  It was just what I needed at the time.  The pain was a what I needed to forget life.

The tattoo is located right below my right wrist.  It is bigger than I thought it would be.  I am so happy with the result.  Three more tattoos and I will be done!

In the end, I forgot about the asshole.  I took the bull by the horns and took my trip.

Kudos to me!

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Germs…germs…and Marriage

I have said it over and over that even I am getting sick of hearing it.

But I love FullEclipse.

However, I do not love it when he gets sick and shares the germs with the rest of the family.  Sharing is caring.  Sharing germs is just a douche move :)

FullEclipse did not intentionally give us his cold.  Actually, it was the flu along with some sort of infection.  For the most part, he tried to stay away from us.  But, because of our close quarters, I ended up getting sick.  K2 soon followed.  Last week was just miserable.  Between the chills, the fever, and the crying (all from me), I had to make sure Paczki was in school and K2 was comfortable enough to rest.  We had some long nights.  FullEclipse helped a great deal at night.

Things are coming slowly back to normal.  K2 is fully recovered.  I am still very tired.  My tonsils are swollen.  Swallowing hurts and I am coughing half a lung at night.  Not a pretty sight at all!

What annoys me is that I had a plan to work out.  My start day was last Monday.  It didn’t happen since I was sick as a dog.  Today, it is not looking good either.  FullEclipse tells me it will take about two weeks to feel normal.  Bleh!  At least there is an end in sight even if the end looks like a treadmill.  Bleh again!!

On a positive note, the laundry is folded and put away.  My schoolwork for last week was submitted just in time to start the new school week.  Paczki is on vacation so no crazy driving!

Life…so simple at times!

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Milestones for the K Kids

I am not a goo goo ga ga kind of mom.  Normally, I tend not to play with my kids.  It is not that I do not try to play.  But I just cannot seem to relate.  FullEclipse thinks this happens because I am an only child.  Out of all the cousins on my mom’s side of the family, I am also the oldest.  To add to my crazy mothering, being surrounded by adults made me behave like one from an early age.  My expectations for how kids should behave is based upon my experiences.

But two things are true:

  1. I love Paczki and K2 more than anything in this world.
  2. Celebrating their milestones is a huge deal.

I love being there for my kids when something big comes up.  Packzi’s first day of school, first trip to Disney, first time in an airplane, etc.  The list goes on.  I want my kids to look back and see that even if I was not a goo goo ga ga mom, I was there for them no matter what.

Today will be the first milestone I miss for Paczki and I am very unhappy.  Packzi is on her first field trip.  Because K2 has been sick, I could not go to her school to see her get on the bus.  This is huge!  There is nothing that I can do about it.  K2 needs me.

To make it up to Paczki, I will take her to her favorite bakery.  I think some cupcakes are in order.  Or maybe a nice hot chocolate from McDonald’s.

Just something that says, “Good job kid!”

One of the mom’s will try to take a picture of Paczki.  It is not the same, but it is a start.

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Self Esteem Issues

I know I have mentioned this before, but I truly have a fucked view of myself.  I do not like how I look.  I have gained most of the weight I lost nine years ago.  The weight I lost nine months ago is coming back.

Meanwhile, I compare myself to people from my past who have lost weight.  I feel like crap because what I see in the mirror is an image of ugly.

This leaves me into a tailspin of hatred and doubt.  I end up eating and hating myself for stuffing myself.

I am miserable because I cannot accept me for who I am.

FullEclipse tells me he loves me no matter what.  But it is hard to believe when you are your own worst enemy.

Typing this is so painful because people from my past read this blog.  I know they are loving my misery.  But I say this to them, FUCK YOU.  If you knew half of the stuff I have to endured, you would see things very differently.

Right now I feel like I am in a crossroads.  I can turn it around.  I want to feel great about myself.

I am just at a loss on how to start.  Every time I have a start date, something happens.

Slow steps.

Slow and steady got me through.

My doctors are there to help me.

My husband is there to help me.

The rest of the world can suck it if they hate me!

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Single Parents

Very few things in life impress me.  This makes me sound like a total ass, but it is true.  In the era of digital information and with my only child upbringing, things just do not seem that important.  I have it all.

Yet, after this week, I cannot give enough praise to single parents and what they do alone.

FullEclipse came with a nasty cold.  Well, we thought it was a cold.  After three days of misery, the doctor finally saw him.  He has a bacterial infection.

Because FullEclipse was sick, I was in charge of the kids.  From getting them up to getting Packzi to school.  This is my routine, but now having his help at night really put me in a very bad position with school and other house chores.  The laundry is piling up.  No groceries in the fridge.  Even with my parents help, the kids overwhelm me.  They know they can dish out their energy among three people.  At the end of the day, I was exhausted.

There are two single mothers in one of my classes.  I cannot imagine what they do everyday to get their work done.  School, work, and kids.  They have nothing but my respect.

I am so lucky to have my husband and parents to help me.

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Having a Cold Sucks

There is so much to talk about.  I just don’t know why I go into hiding.  I enjoy blogging.  Maybe it is because I feel like my writing is not good enough.  Then again, I do it for the therapy and not the writing accolades.

The kids gave me a cold.  I swear children’s germs can bring down a country!  It is a small cold but it bothers me.  For as long as I can remember, colds were one of my least favorite things in the world.  Let’s hope it goes away soon!

Right now, I should be doing homework.  This semester feels so bleh.  There was a major shitty incident that I cannot talk about yet that put me into yet another funk.  But I decided that once things are settled, I will jus open up more and talk about stuff that happened in my first marriage.  I have been far too nice.  It is time for me to just let it all go into cyberspace.

So, if you are one of my ex-in-laws, be ready to read things you might not like.  Why you still have an interest in me is puzzling.  Just let me go or contact me if you have any questions.  Let me be.

Bye for now!

A history of Operating Systems awaits me.  How can I make that paper interesting?

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The Sunday Blues

I hate Sunday afternoons.

I hate them with a fucking passion.

They make me extremely sad.  My mind goes to the worst places.  All of my fears materialize.

When I was little, I lived with my grandma and grandpa because my parents had to work and study.  Even though my mom and dad would come every day for a bit to see me, I still couldn’t understand why I could not live with them.  Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were the days I spent with my parents.  Sunday afternoon would be the time when I would be back with my grandparents.  It was so bad.

Then FullEclipse…the days after my ex asked for divorce, the loneliness of it all.

As I prepare for my next chapter in recovery, I can’t help but feel the same dread getting all over my body.  Adding to this is the fact that I have so much to do before Thursday.  Laundry, kids, homework, etc.

Breathe.

It is just another day.

I don’t have to cry anymore.  Everything is in place.

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Two Very Young People Affected By Cancer

Through the grapevine that Facebook has become, I have heard of two people I know being affected by cancer.

The first was the son of an old Chicago friend.  FullEclipse and the spouse of this friend had a fallout.  But, I still kept in touch with the wife via Facebook.  One day I read her 19 year old son passed away after a very brief battle with cancer.  I still can’t process it because I remember the kid as this little guy playing XBox with FullEclipse.

Today I heard that an old Barista of mine had another relapse with cancer.  She has been fighting this disease since she was a little girl.  Now in her mid twenties, the monster has invaded her brain.

I am shaken and upset.

So many young people are affected by cancer.  What is going on in this world?

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Queen Ink

I finally got one of my bucket items sort of crossed off!

After many years of going back and forth, I got the courage to get a tattoo.  I did not want to get something for the hell of it.  This tattoo needed to have some meaning, especially with my anxiety.  Thanks to Pinterest and a few friends who know Hebrew, my head was filled with ideas.  Dr. Inception knew about this idea.  She liked it.

There is a tattoo parlor near my work.  I drive by it every now and then.  Google and Yelp gave it great reviews.  I called and the vibe was great.  One of the artist would have  a few hours to kill since he had a cancelled appointment.   My idea was to go at around one while K2 napped and Paczki was at work (no school for her today).  Well, the day dragged on.  It was so busy.  At around 3:30, I knew I couldn’t make it since my parents had other things to do.  As luck would have it (thanks to K2), my parents were able to take the kids and still run their errands.  It worked out great.  Once again, thank you K2!

Without much thought, I got into my car, put on the Wicked Soundtrack, and drove to the tattoo shop.  I was very nervous.  The last thing I wanted was an anxiety attack.  My mind kept going on about how I could never make it to Chicago…that my body would not even let me get on an airplane…that I was an failure.  Nevertheless, I made it to the place.  It was a clean place with a great vibe.  After a few minutes, the girl at the front desk introduced me to Mr. M (new nickname).  He asked me some questions and gave me the price.  I said, “go for it!” I almost got a second tattoo, but Mr. M wanted me to try one out first.  I waited for what seemed forever.  Once he put the “sticker/outline” on my right wrist, I knew this would be great.

I sat down with Mr. M.  He began to work.  I won’t lie, it was painful.  It wasn’t as bad as I expected on most areas.  The most painful places are the areas where there is no skin.  The whole thing took about ten minutes.  Mr. M was great for conversation.  I searched for the tattoo parlor on Facebook.  It turns out, I got my tattoo done by one of the best artists.

Here is a picture of the tattoo.  It will look better once it heals:

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The meaning is this:

“It is a reminder of who I am. The semi colon means that I choose to continue to live despite my anxiety and fucked up issues. I do not end in a period.   I move on!  The drawing is the chemical serotonin.  It is related to anxiety and depression.  So, the meaning is that I choose to continue and that all I need to be calm is already in me (serotonin).”

I am hooked!  I loved the experience.  There are plans for at least another tattoo with some Hebrew letters.  It will also have some deep meaning.  If all goes well, three more tattoos will follow.

I am on a fucking high!!!

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My First Car Accident

Back in October, I wrote about my first car UNO.  I had given him up for a bigger car a Mazda Tribune AKA The Reid.  The damn car was supposed to be reliable, except it was a piece of crap.  When we buy a used car, FullEclipse and I always choose to get an extended warranty.  Even if the car comes from a dealer, you never know what could happen.

One of the first issues the car had (yes, I will strip the name The Reid) was the gas cap light coming on for no reason.  The dealer reset the light.  But, if the car displayed the light again, I was to bring it it for testing.  Care to guess what happened next?  The light came on.  I took the Mazda back to the dealer.  There was an issue with a pump.  The piece needed to be replaced.  For a $100.00 copay, a gas cap with labor was not a bad deal.  Well…the warranty did not cover that piece.  We paid $225.00 out of pocket to change the gas cap.  The dealer took its sweet time fixing it.  While the car was in the shop, Packzi, FullEclipse, and I got very sick.  Picking up the car took another extra two days.  So, I was without a car for two weeks.  I bought the car at the end of October and drove it for about two weeks before dropping it off with the dealer.

Once I got the Mazda back on the 30th of November, I went on my routine.  Monday, December the 3rd was an ordinary day.  On Tuesday, Paczki had her first recital.  For logistical reasons, I dropped FullEclipse off at work to avoid having to take an extra car to the recital.  My parents would pick him up while I took Paczki.

During the drive, things weren’t right.  FullEclipse asked me if I was okay.  I said yes.  Normally I get nervous if he is in the car with me while I drive.  As I dropped him off at work, I noticed that I wasn’t feeling right and that I needed to get a grip on my driving because my kids depend on me for my safety.  From that moment, I was extra careful with my driving.  I was on high alert.

I dropped Packzi off.  K2 was in the car with me.  I was making a right hand turn when the steering wheel locked on me.  It would not move.  It was completely locked.  I remember thinking, “this is what happens in my dreams.  I don’t have control of the car.”  My next thought was, “I am going over the median.”  Everything happened in slow motion.  I was very calm.  There were no screams as I was going over the bushes and into oncoming traffic.  The area is heavily congested.  We have county and federal offices around.  At 8:00 in the morning, traffic is horrible.  I knew I would hit a car coming my way.  Yet, the cars were stopped by the red light at the end of the street.  I could not believe it.  It really felt like an out of body experience.

Once the car stopped, I called FullEclipse.  How do you tell your husband that you had an accident but that you were okay?  I told him that I couldn’t control the car.  He asked me to turn off the engine.  The steering wheel unlocked.  I was able to back up into the courthouse where FullEclipse and I got married.  I called my mom because she needed to pick up FullEclipse since he didn’t have the car.

I called AAA.  FullEclipse arrived and we went to the dealer.

More on their answer later!!

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