Un-Fucking-Hinged

Well, that was an unexpected turn of events in regards to going off medication.  Nothing could have prepared me for the rage going through my body in the past two weeks.  To be short and to the point – I am unhinged.  Truly, unhinged.  My attitude has changed a lot.  I never realized how much more mellow my medication made me.  If you ask FullEclipse, I am anything but mellow.

But honestly, I can feel the difference.  Everything angers me.  There is just pure rage coming off my pores.  The gates are open and the fallout is interesting.

I went from trying to please everyone in spite of how I felt to not giving a damn about what comes out of my mouth.  The kids are the one ones who don’t get to see this side of me when I speak to them.

As refreshing as it feels to say what I think, it is not good.  People get upset.  I get angrier.  Nothing good comes out of it.  It feels like I should bow down and let people walk all over me.

I guess I am lost because the change in behavior was unexpected.

Even this post does not make sense in my head.

I will speak with Dr. Redemption next week.  Being off medications might not be in the cards for me at all.  If I give up now, it feels like I am quitter.  However, if I don’t nip this issue in the butt right away, I will end up causing a lot of trouble because I hurt people.

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I Should Have Pulled the Plug First

WordPress ate my first post!!!

I am so mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, this is going to be a long and wordy post full of rage.  Rage not because I was dropped as a friend, but because I should have been the one to do it first.  In the spirit of being liked, I dragged on a friendship longer than I should have.

The first part of my rant went something like this:

 Bitch please!  Do you think I won’t notice you put me on a restricted list on Facebook?  Do you think you are doing this to a fucking moron?  I know what you did.  What you should have done is pick up the damn phone to air any grievances you had because quite frankly, you are more at fault.  But, go ahead, listen to your small appendage man.  The open road cleared your head?  Sure it did!  Second, don’t fucking use my analogy of relationships being like a business.  WE TALKED ABOUT THIS not too long ago.  You didn’t come up with it.  You stole it!  Whatever.  Like short man, you refuse to see the truth.  Don’t worry, I dropped you as a “friend.”  In case you didn’t know, there is an unfriend button on Facebook.  Learn how to use.  Boy am I glad you chose not to be a teacher.  Good riddance.

Now that my anger is gone, I can sit down to write down exactly what has happened with this friend in the past few years to see how we ended up here.  Here is the story:

When I moved back from Chicago with FullEclipse, one of our morning routines was to stop by the local Starbucks on my way to work.  One of the Baristas was from Chicago as well.  This fact, along with being our age, created a relationship that went beyond your typical, “what would you like to drink?” banter.  When I became pregnant with Paczki, Barista would sneak in a dollop of whipped cream even though I was not really supposed to get sweets.  Paczki was born and the relationship continued to develop.

One afternoon, Barista was sitting in her car looking upset.  FullEclipse asked her what was up.  Barista was having issues with her father and step mother.  We asked her to come over to our house to get a nice meal and forget about her troubles.  From then on, our house was open to Barista anytime she wanted to come over.  We included her in our festivities and we did the same.  She spent the night in our old house once or twice.  It was a good friendship even if there were things about her we did not like.  For example, she was always late.  I mean always.  Other people might consider it rude but we made that part of her quirks.  I would try to schedule things to accommodate her schedule and times.  We had to pencil in dates to see each other because she was so buy.  Once again, it was part of the friendship and I am sure there were times when I could not meet up with her due to life.  I always tried.

When she met her now husband (small man), I was very happy for her.  They reconnected and met up over a Christmas holiday.  From her demeanor, I knew it was serious.  I remember having a conversation about love over summer.  I told her, “you will find the one sooner than you think.”  We met small man.  He was charming and nice.  He got my phone number and texted me once or twice.  Small man also befriended me on Facebook.  Through his posts I could see he was a conservative man whose political and other views did not align with mine.  Not a big deal because I have friends who come from different backgrounds.

Barista and I would talk about the prospect of marrying small man.  She was happy.  We even talked about me helping her with the wedding and being part of it.

Almost a year into the relationship, they had issues.  He did not like a friend of Barista’s.  Despite the problems, they stayed together.  Small man texted me to get help in regards to getting the ring size for Barista.  Yes, he was about to propose.  At this point, they were living together.  Do you remember the friend of Barista’s he hated?  Small man asked her to help him plan the proposal.

Things continued to go well – or so I thought.  We went out with small man and Barista.  We picked up the tab on most of the outings because they did not have money.  We did not care because money is nothing compared with friendship.  We were never invited to their place (we went once).  They never paid for anything for us.  Once again, that did not matter.  It was always about them not having money.  At least, that was always something Barsita would bring up even if her Facebook profile was full of pictures of them doing things that did not say, “we are broke.”  Because I know how social media can be, I didn’t think too much of it.  Facebook and blogging are only a glimpse of life.

That September, I asked Barista to come celebrate my birthday.  Obviously, small man was invited.  She agreed.  Within half an hour she called back crying.  She was hysterical.  All I got was, “can’t talk and I can’t comment.”  Then nothing for two weeks.  Facebook gave me an updated from being engaged to being single.  I felt like crap.  Two weeks of silence.  FullEclipse kept me from calling Barista every hour.  He said Barista will reach to me if I was needed.

When Barista finally got in touch with me, the first thing I was asked was “what did you tell small man about marrying me?”  Can I say I was shocked?  I said nothing!!  From what she told me and from what I could piece together, when Barista told small man about coming over for my birthday, he made a remark about me.  In short, he blamed me for proposing to her.  YOU READ IT CORRECTLY.  I was blamed for their engagement.  I guess I pressured him into proposing?  Please tell me how this is my fault because two years later, I am still puzzled.  They had an argument where things escalated.  Basically, small man needed an excuse to start a fire with Barista.

I was mad because it takes some balls to use another person to air your issues.  Real men would never do this.  This was the beginning of the end of the relationship.  Dr. Backstreet Boy heard me talk about my anger for a very long time.  To be honest, I did not even want to be around small man.  In the spirit of the friendship, I kept in touch even if FullEclipse asked me drop this friendship.

Things continued “normally” even if part of me harbored a lot of resentment towards small man.  We still went out with the golden couple.  We still paid for their stuff.  We still changed our schedule to accommodate theirs.  I was feeling the stress because walking on eggshells around small man made me emotionally tired and upset.

When the wedding came, I was almost at my breaking point.  The invite to the wedding shower came.  I went to both events because Barista always had warned me not to miss her wedding.  I could not say no to the shower.  She was happy when I showed up to both.  By the way, I was not asked to be part of her wedding.  This hurt a lot since Barista asked a lady who she only knew through small man to be part of the wedding party.  Still..I wanted it to work.  By the way, the friend who helped small man with the proposal was on shaky ground with Barista.  Something about Barista opening her eyes.  This should have been a huge clue of things to come because small man did not like this friend at all.

The golden couple was invited to Christmas and kids parties.  The last party was something I had to schedule to fit her time table.

FullEclipse told me not to take the wedding thing too personally.  He also said this, “you don’t mean the same to people as they do to you.”

A few months ago, Barista asked me to lunch (which I paid for).  I cannot tell you what we talked about even if the friendship is gone.  I was asked to keep things a secret.  The only thing I said was how hurt I was about small man using me as a pawn.

In July we got an invite to Barista’s birthday party.  It took me a while to reply because we were asked to pay for a painting class she wanted to attend.  No, we were not paying for her.  We had to pay for our spots.  After bending backwards throughout the friendship, this was something I really didn’t want to do.  In retrospect, I should have said something soon.  But, given the history by now, I was having a hard time making sense of it all.

The story is almost over I promise.

When FullEclipse was laid off, Barista and I talked on the phone.  She told me she was quitting her pursuit of being a teacher because the time she put into it was not worth it.  Honestly, small man was complaining about the lack of time they had together.  I understood her other reasons too.  My gut feeling, however, said that the main reason was small man and his many insecurities.

The last time we got together, the golden told us they were moving out of state because small man had lost his job.  I always had a feeling he would want to move back home because SoCal is not the type of place where his views are well received.  They talked AGAIN about the lack of money and how they wanted to live.  I understood this because this place is not cheap.  I still don’t have a house.  We asked them to keep in touch before they left.  I texted her to see if she was driving small small home.  She said yes a day after I texted her.  That was a long time to respond.

Then something happened.

I kept looking at Barista’s Facebook page and nothing made sense.  One thing is to be living pay check to pay check and the other is just to flaunt a lifestyle that screams, “SOMETHING IS FISHY!”  Trampoline classes….dinners, outings, etc.  All spontaneous.  That’s great but we had to pencil in getting together ahead of time.  We had to accommodate their life to have them in ours.

I was getting pissed.

So I dropped Barista from my newsfeed.

I began to pull away.

Because I could no longer see her on my feed, I had no idea as to what was going on.  I went to her wall once only to see her car broke down.  She commented on some of my posts in the last week, but I never responded back.  Again, I should have said something but I was too angry to engage in our regular banter.  Her lifestyle did not make sense to what I was told.

Then on Thursday I woke up from a dream where Barista and I had a fallout on Facebook.  Lo and behold, I woke up to see I was put on a restricted list.  FullEclipse told me she posted something on Monday about how friendships are like business and how she was put a lot into some friendships and to take my business elsewhere.  No my name was not mentioned but given the time frame of events, it was pretty clear to me.

A few  things jumped at me.

Barista said she had time to think about this over the open road.  That means small man finally broke her down.  The lack of Facebook communication combined with the time they spent together helped him.  Just like it happened with the friend who helped with the proposal.  He worked Barista to the point where she dropped friendships of years.

Barista still kept another friend with full Facebook “access” even though Barista would complain about how this friend only spoke to her to be negative or get gossip.  Talk about being a hypocrate.

It was an eye opener but it did not lessen my anger and shock.

It was an underhanded, cowardly move on small man and her.

But they deserve each other.

FullEclipse was kept on as a friend until this afternoon.

FullEclipse posted the following:

True friends will accept you for who you are and not what they want you to be! – my wife had to learn this the hard way I told her to drop a friendship long ago. She didn’t listen.
I guess the truth hurt too much.
I want to email her to let her know what a shitty person she turned out to be and how she and small man deserve each other.
I will try to let it go.
Or bore Dr. Redemption with my rants.
Thoughts?
Should I say something
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Germs Cause the Disease Known As….

…feeling like ass!

This is a bleh post because I feel bleh.

So about the condition known as feeling like ass….

….At least, the medical profession should look into this illness because it has gotten into my system.  For the last few days, I have been feeling off even my school work fell behind.  On Friday, my father (BSSMKY) actually made me take a nap at work.  This never happens.  Big clue that something was amiss.

It was great to take a rest, but I woke up lost.  To add more confusion to the situation, I realized that the time I had allocated for school was taken up by making up for the nap!  The weekend was a blur.  Thankfully FullEclipse took the K Kids out on Saturday.  By Sunday, my school work was all done.

But, this week has been so bad!  Yesterday afternoon, my nose became runny.  I refused to search Dr. Google, MD because my search results on the symptoms would have been something along the lines of, “YOUR PROSTATE IS ON FIRE!”  What my friends suggested was nothing more than an allergy attack.  Really?  At 3-5 (or 25 years + 10 of awesome) I develop allergies?  The answer was a good one because there is nothing I hate more than getting a cold.  Since yesterday was the date of my move to the states, it figures I would get a nice present from my body.

I had a dinner and Girl Scout date with my Paczki.  Getting medication was not an option.  My body would have to go without medication until I got home.  By 6:00 p.m., I was miserable!  As in, I want to curl up in the middle of the school cafeteria until the morning?  In my haze, two things happened – I agreed wot co-direct Paczki’s troop (I never fucking learn!)  and FullEclipse called to say he was hit by another driver.

After many phone calls, I was able to concentrate on Paczki.  We got home after 7:30.  FullEclipse came home with BSSMKY and K2.  He had the most wonderful present – anti allergy medication which didn’t work as I slept like ass too (another medical mystery!).

Today is a short day for Paczki.  As soon as I get home, I will lay down.

Ah crap!!

HOMEWORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Living Through My Kids

There is no shame in admitting that at times I live vicariously through my children because there are so great things in the world that I could not get to do in my childhood.  Life had other paths for me.  Yes, there is some resentment at times.  Part of my outlook in life derives from the lack of certain experiences.  When the K Kids were born, I made a promise to them that I would do all the things I wish my parents had done for me.

Sometimes the kids humor me.  There are times where their personalities clash with mine.  Nothing in the world will get them to see things my way.  It is part of life.

However, Paczki just joined Girls Scouts.  This is something I wanted to do when I was a child.  It just never happened.  This new adventure works well because it kills two birds with one stone.  First, we get to spend time together without being bothered by FullEclipse, K2, the dogs, etc.  My goal for therapy this year was to be more involved in Paczki’s life.  Part one – DONE.  We will have a date every two weeks.  Dinner, then Girl Scouts.  Second, I get to make friends.  Being in this hellhole I call SoCal has left me with no one I can turn to in case we need help.  It is going be rough since I tend to be awkard.  Relating to people, especially women, is not something I really care too much about.  Oh well!

If Packzi decides Girl Scouts is not for her, she can stop.

Now if I can get her to try to take over the world with me!!!

But let’s hope it all works out.

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Unmedicated and Aware

I almost used Gwyneth Paltrow’s famous phrase of “consciously uncoupling” in the title of this post.  It would go so well with my obsession of Hollywood stars.  The post will not be as scary as I think it will be because this is a serious matter.

Or so I think…

…No, it really is.

Here is a little bit of background:

For a long time I refused to seek professional help for my anxiety.  One of the reasons behind my stubbornness was fact that I did not want to be medicated for the rest of my life.  It wasn’t until I almost stopped going outside my house that I had to reasses my beliefs.  With the help of Dr. How I Met Your Mother, Dr. Backstreet Boy, and Dr. Inception, I found a combination of medications that worked.

But, there was always a nagging feeling.  I could not shake the feeling that being on medication for the rest of my life was something I did not want to do unless it was necessary.  Finding out the answer required a lot thinking and hard work from my doctors.

I always meant to ask the medication question to all my doctors.  Perhaps I did at one point.  I just do not remember.   Obviously, nothing came of it since our focus was to get me better.  With Dr. Redemption things are different.  The goal is to continue with my recovery.

A week ago, Dr. Redemption and I talked about weaning off medication to see if I can live without pills.  I had to talk to him about it.  He listened to what I had to say and we are going to give it a try to see how things go.  There is a plan in motion.  Dr. Redemption is going to monitor my progress until we get the answers I need.  If my anxiety returns, then we will know for sure it was something in my brain.  The what-ifs will be gone.  I will be okay with taking medication for the rest of life.

I am scared.  However, this is something I have to do.  I want to have another child.  The idea of being on anything during the pregnancy scares me.  The thought of being lost in my anxiety must be addressed as soon as possible – before I get pregnant.

The next weeks will be a heck of a ride.  The ride that I hope will lead me to more self discovery or more medication depending on how fucked up my brain is.

 

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Capstone Class – I Stand Corrected

School began this week.  My mind is at ease.  There have been no freak outs which is scary.  Maybe, as time goes by this weekend, reality will sink in.  Other problems occupy my mind.  With FullEclipse still looking for a job, classes are the least of my problems.  I will put in my best effort.  The end is near.  If all my classes line up nicely, my degree is only a year away.

I have two classes this semester.  One if Computer Forensics (cue in CSI Music).  I am stoked!  The other class is a capstone course.  Well, that came out of nowhere.  A three credit/unit class for a capstone?  Not too bad!  There is a big project that takes 20% of my grade.  The assignments are spread out throughout the semester.  However, I plan on starting it as soon as I can.  FullEclipse will help me with the research.  The topic should, in theory, be easy to research.  

So, I stand corrected.  My major has a capstone.  But can I say I am even more annoyed about the must-take class of nine units…you know…the one I dropped?  That is a waste of time and money.  I still want to use those credits to take more classes. Maybe saving the money for some certifications would be nice.  

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How Do I Want To Live My Life?

Since November of last year, the realization that death can come at any time.  It does not discriminate.  The fact that two young people lost their lives to cancer cemented this sad fact of life.  One of the things I have been working on is a list of songs to be played at my funeral.  Yes, it is a morbid thing to think about.  But, being a control freak, I want people to truly understand where I come from.  Music is the perfect medium to convey my message.

Oddly enough, Dr. Absolution and I were talking about my goals for therapy this year.  I gave him a list of what things I wanted to change/accomplish.  I don’t know how this happened, but he suggested I imagined how I wanted to be remembered at my funeral.  Because I don’t have a lot friends, I suggested that maybe writing an obituary would be a good idea.  He agreed.  Dr. Absolution sees it as a way to see where I picture myself in life.  With a clear vision, we can achieve my goals.

Yet, I can’t seem to put into words what I want to do with my life.  Well, I don’t know how I want to live my life.  How do I want to be remembered?  It is a question I must answer.  It is not easy at all.  I guess that is the whole point of the exercise – to focus on what I want to do instead of dreaming about it.  

With school starting this week, getting this done might be a challenge.  

I also don’t want to think about dying.

I mean, who does!???

Don’t worry, there is plenty of Queen left.  

I just don’t know how I want to live!

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This Picture Says It All – Dogs!

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I took this picture yesterday afternoon.

A few things come to mind.

First, the dogs look like they are about to get into a lot of trouble.  Fred will pounce at a moment’s notice.  Second, Kona is a cool dog.  With Fuego’s (Kitty) death, my love for Kona grew.  I finally saw her for who she truly is.  Finally, I get to see why Bostons get along with Boxers so well.  Despite of their small size (about a third of a Boxer when fully grown), they put up with the Boxers style of playing.  Bostons can take Boxers on.  It is so cute to see.  Fred growls and sounds like Kona when he plays.  It took a while for Fred to understand that Kona was trying not to kill him when she growled so loudly.

But, perhaps, the biggest thing from this picture is what the dogs have taught me – coping with your disabilities to make the best of your situation.  Kona has a bad back.  It is riddled with arthritis.  Getting up is a challenge.  To a little puppy like Fred, Kona is just another dog.  Kona could not keep up with the playing.  So she lays down and they play together.  Just two dogs (minus the running around).  There is no pain for Kona.  Fred doesn’t judge like humans do.  The dogs make the most of their play time.  It is so nice to see Kona enjoy Fred.

If only we could learn to be more like dogs.

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And His Name is Fred XVI

A few days after the passing of Kitty, FullEclipse and I began to talk about getting a new puppy to help Paczki deal with the loss.  Her way of coping was to ask for a small dog that could live longer than a boxer.  She had ideas on what to do to track the dog’s life, etc.  It was cute yet heartbreaking in a way.  I am happy that Paczki was able to deal with the loss in a logical manner. 

As much as I hated the idea of getting a new puppy, especially since I had not grieved Kitty, I knew it was the right thing to do for the K Family.  FullEclipse and I had talked before about which kind of dog we would after our Boxers died.  We settled for a Boston Terrier.  One of my best friends has a Boxer (one passed away) and two Bostons.  The personalities mesh really well.  Bostons are a smaller version of Boxers.  With Kona being an older dog, she needs a smaller dog to be able to keep up with the playing, etc.  We also wanted a boy because two Boxer girls are bound to fight.  Kona will only hurt herself since she is the dominant dog.

After many phone calls and ads, we found the perfect breeder.  She asked the right questions and had no problem answering ours.  You would be surprised to see how many backyard breeders pose as reputable/caring.  The breeder and I emailed each other often.  She sent us pictures.  There was a guy who stood out right away.  He was the bigger puppy of the picture.  A cute brindle boy.  I always want a solid color dog, but life sends me brindled dogs!  We made plans to visit the breeder.  My issue was the travel.  At 50 miles away from home, the idea of making a few trips out there seemed so daunting.  On a Saturday morning, we got the kids.  Paczki whined because she wanted to stay home.  Once she realized where we were going, things got much better.

So, we met our guy.  I had a name picked out but it didn’t seem right.  The breeder had an Ethel, Lucy (loved her!), and Fred.  I looked at the puppy.  He looked like a Fred to me.  The name stuck.  It is a great name.  When we registered him for the AKC, he was given the name Fred  XVI – fancy! 

Here is a picture of the day we brought Sir Fred Stink Eye K XVI home:

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He was smaller than Kona’s tongue.

Fred is getting used to being around us.  One of his ears is goofy.  We decided not to tape it as it was suggested.  That only makes him more unique.  The tie adds to his personality.

I miss Kitty like crazy, but I know he is finally at rest.

Fred has helped a lot.

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