Meet the New P-sychiatrist

After the first meeting with my new p-psychiatrist along with some help from Dr. Socks (the marriage therapist), my new doctor has a nickname – Dr. Absolution.

And you know what?  The name fits him.  He has the calm demeanor of a priest.  His patience seems to have no bounds.  Where Dr. Inception tore me a new one (psychologically speaking and in a great way), Dr. Absolution will come in to help me guide through the new set of challenges that come my way – from traveling more to another change of career path (thanks Dr. Inception!). 

I feel like good things will continue to happen with Dr. Absolution. 

Everything will fall into place so I can let go of how fucked up my ex and the aftermath of the divorce and years after that….

I can be content with being me.

Plus many other issues that drag me down.

But if I lose him to kids, my head will explode!

Damn kids!

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Of Mice and Kitty

The subject line would be so perfect for a good Fuego story.  Too bad this post is a sad one. 

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On Saturday, after running errands for a soon to be member of the family, we picked Fuego’s ashes from the veterinarian.  The ashes were ready to pick up last Wednesday.  I wanted to go alone to do this for my Fuego.  Because of the time I got home, I did not find a chance in my schedule.  Sad! 

But I could no longer wait any longer.  Kitty needed to come home to me.  Since my grieving process has been out of its norm, I did not know what to expect.  Part of me knew I would cry.  I just did not know how things would play out.  As we drove closer to the office, I could feel the sadness.  I walked into the office alone.  They handed me a nice baggie.

I sat in the car.  When I opened the bag, I saw his ashes and a paw print.  On the way home, I lost it.  Everything that I held inside came out in sobs.  The kids and FullEclipse sat quietly.  It was a very somber drive. 

Today, as I drove to work, I felt the same sadness take over.

The truth is, I miss kitty.  He is ashes and nothing more.  I want to believe all dogs go to heaven.

I really do.

I miss him so much. 

Oh kitty. 

 

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I Quit My Class

After a lot of bitching about my class in my last post, I could not take it anymore.  I dropped the class.  The good news is that my graduation date will not change.  The difference is that my time off will not be from the end of September until Thanksgiving like I originally planned.

So, why did I quit?  The first three days of class were rough. With the kids in the office with me, I had little time to read the material.  My tempter with my little imps was short.  They do not deserve this kind of stress.  Also, the first essay proved to be more difficult than I thought.  Even though I had an idea on where I wanted it to go, I just could not find the words.

To be honest, I feel no relief after quitting the class.  Sure, it is nice to have until the end of August off.  However, part of me hates feeling like a quitter.  At least I know how to prepare myself for the next time this class comes around.  I might postpone it until the end.  I have to figure it out because of the way Financial Aide works.  I borrowed too much this time around because I thought I would need more money to cover the extra 3 units.

Oh well…it is what it is….

Now if I could only get rid of the last two level 300 classes, I would feel better.

Wish me luck with the rest of my summer.  Perhaps it is not too late to learn a programming language.

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No Capstone Class Bleh!

My big complaint with my school is the lack of a Capstone Class in my major.  Some people might think of this as a blessing, but I do not.  Because Cyber Security (or any other IT major) is a new concept to me, having a large project would be beneficial in so many ways.   The majority of my classmates have experience in the field.  All they need is the degree to advance in their careers.  I, however, do not have this advantage.  A Capstone Project is something I need.  Even if I were to fail the class miserably, I would still get the benefit of learning throughout the process.  But I am not that lucky!

However, my wonderful school has this signature series they deem necessary for any undergraduate to take.  Everyone has to go through this class in order to graduate.  Here is the description of the this nine unit/credit behemoth:

The Signature Series is the intellectual linchpin of the undergraduate degree programs. The series focuses on various institutions and traditions of Western Civilization that have achieved unprecedented success in the United States. It finds ground for intellectual, social, and cultural progress through the productive tensions that can arise between tradition, change, freedom, and responsibility.

Normally I would love the chance to learn about American History and Politics.  This is not one of those times!  Looking at the syllabus is overwhelming.  Every week we have about 100 pages to read plus videos.  We need to complete the responses to our peers – at least five.  Oh and we have to submit an essay each week.  Three of those essays are at least 2,000 words.  Let’s not forget a volunteer position of at least three hours a week.  The work load is something anyone would expect coming from a class of nine units.  I should get used to the idea of this much work because graduate school is in the future.  My issue is the fact that I did not choose this class as part of my degree.  It is forced upon us.  I find it to be a waste of money and time.  Additionally, my school is in a conservative Midwest Area.  Coming from a liberal background, this can only mean disaster.  My views are radical.  I often clash with Conservatives.  Based on the reviews, any dissent from conservative lowers your grades in some cases.  I asked for a fail/pass option, but it is now allowed since this class IS A MUST to graduate.  Faking a political stance, while it is good for a grade, makes me ill.

So, my descend into my bleh stage of school begins today.  I am dreading this class.  Part of me wishes I had taken the summer off.  The masochist in me thinks a month off between classes is fine even after the struggles of last semester.

On the bright side, once the class is done at the end of September, I have until the week before Thanksgiving off!  The early fall semester will give me a nice break where I could hopefully get back to normal.  Maybe I would be able to finally learn a programming language – something I should have done in the month I had off!

Wish me luck!

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For Fuego 3/7/2006 to 6/25/2014

I am sitting in front of my computer trying to figure out what to say about the death of my dog Fuego (A.K.A. Kitty).  The words escape me.   There is so much to say and very little comfort in writing about kitty.  He is gone.  There is no more KittyKatt (Kona and Fuego).  The K family no longer owns two crazy boxers.  Part of my identitiy is gone.

Nothing I can say will bring Fuego back.  It sucks so much to know your best friend is gone.  Yes, my dogs are more than animals.  They are family members.  In fact, I prefer my dogs over some of the people in my life : cough cough family members cough cough :

Dogs are pure souls.  Their default position is to love you unconditionally whether you are happy or down.  If that does not work, they offer you more love.  Fuego was the perfect example.  He got me.  We both had anxiety.  I understood how he felt.  We had our games like the evil sock, the paw, or the repent game.  Rough housing with my big dog was fun.  Just to think that I was scared of his size when FullEclipse and I picked him up from the breeder.

So if you were to ask me how I felt about Fuego’s death, I can honestly say that I am confused on how I feel and how I am coping with his death.  Putting kitty down was a logical and financial decision that needed to be made for his well being.  Thinking in terms of numbers makes me sick.  Fuego deserved so much better.  However, spending at least $1,400.00 for a surgery to remove his spleen gave us no warranties about his health.  At best, he could live for six to nine months.  But at what emotional cost?  It was not fair for my energetic boy to live with a cancer that was spreading.  I could have thrown all my savings at the problem only to get the same results.  Fuego deserved better.

I am also angry at the veterinarian for wanting us to spend money on keeping Fuego overnight for observation.  The doctor only wanted to treat the symptoms.  If it had not been for FullEclipse pushing for a solution, we would have spent $500.00 a day to give Fuego fluids – nothing more.  To think that we could have decided to spend the money just to make Fuego suffer.  It was until the doctor saw the tumor that he realized why we wanted to see what was making kitty so sick.  He wanted us to bring Fuego home.  We could not.  Knowing he was dying was bad enough.  Seeing him waste away was not an option.  FullEclipse was there to say goodbye to kitty.  I kissed him before he left for the veterinarian.  Little did I know that would be my last kiss.

Confusion also plays part in this equation.  Fuego was fine.  In fact, we had a photo session with one of my best friends.  The dogs were happy.  After my friend left, Fuego went downhill.  My friend thinks that Fuego held long enough for her.  I believe it too.  It was surreal to see her cry.  She told me she had a feeling this would be the last time she would see Fuego.  We now share the pain of losing two boxers.  Not a fun club to join.

I feel sick.  My body has reacted in odd ways – from anger displacement to dry heaves.  I have not felt great at all.  The dry heaves began the night he died.  Almost a week later and they have not stopped.  Something inside is eating me.

I also feel emotionally constipated (TM) because I have not been able to cry.  The day Fuego was put down, I asked my parents to take the kids.  For the first time in history, the kids did not want to hang out in my parents’ room.  I had to eat my tears.  I still do because K2 and Paczki (more than anyone) get upset if they see me cry.

My emotions or lack thereof drove me to see Dr. Inception.  Thankfully she was able to see get me in for a quick session.  She told me it was okay to grieve on my own terms.

The kids and FullEclipse have moved on.  Paczki wants a new puppy to study why it is that large dogs die soon.  It is her way of coping.  We are thinking about getting a Boston Terrier.  The thought stings.

The truth is that I miss my partner in crime.  He was the first major present FullEclipse got me even if I fought to get another dog.  However, all it took was this picture to convince me kitty was the best thing:

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I miss you kitty!  You were a tad stupid but made up for it with lots of love.

R.I.P. Fuego Alexander Sweet Cheeks K, III.

Be free and play with my Gimpy.

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say “Goodbye”.
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you -
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times
life still has much in store.

Since you’ll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today~
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you’ll always stay. “

 

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For Dr. Inception – Time to Say Goodbye

First I fired “Dr. Smokes a lot” – not a big loss.

Dr. How I Met Your Mother left after a month of seeing me because her residency year was up.  That was tough, but she planted a tiny seed inside me that led me to the realization that I wanted to recover from my issues.

Then Dr. Backstreet Boy took over.  He got me to a place where I could function and get on with my daily life.  He moved onto a children’s fellowship at the hospital.  His goodbye letter is here.   Dr. Backstreet Boy left me in great hands with the “hard to nickname” Dr. Inception.

Now, a year has passed since I met Dr. Inception.  Her time is up.  Tomorrow is my last session with her before she begins her fellowship working with children (damn kids!) and hands me over to a new p-psychologist who is  tentatively nicknamed Dr. Kelsey Grammer.  Saying goodbye to Dr. Inception will be very hard because of how much she has helped me in terms of personal growth.  She has taken me to places where I am not comfortable.  I have said things to her that no one other than FullEclipse know about.  There are many more things to cover.  Time ran out!

Perhaps this is a hard goodbye because Dr. Inception, in a way, is an extension of Dr. Backstreet Boy.  I learned a few months ago that they are engaged.  I cannot picture a better couple!  Knowing that Dr. Backstreet Boy trusted Dr. Inception with my care just goes to say how great they both are.

So, how do I write a goodbye to Dr. Inception?  Well, let’s start out by setting up the mood.  Lately, the song “The One I Love” by R.E.M. has been in the back of my head.  No, it has nothing to do with Dr. Inception.  I just like the beat.  It makes me think that underneath it all, Dr. Inception is a great person to hang out with and can really be fun!

Here it goes….

Dr. Inception,

Writing has been a part of how we approach some of my sessions.  The words flow without any problems.  We work through my feelings.   Right now I don’t have the words to convey what is going inside my head.  It is the eve before our last session.  There is so much I want to say and I am stuck.  Saying “thank you” is so cliche because you deserve so much more than these words.

Yet…

…there is nothing I can say but thank you!

Thank you for always being there to guide me through my dark times.  You were there to push me to get over some of my big fears.  If it had not been for you saying, “what is stopping you from flying?,” I would still be stuck with that fear.

Thank you for getting inside my head to get me to see how life could be different.  Your nickname is dead on!

There is still a lot of work to do.  While you may not be there to see me through my journey, I know our sessions have put me on a better path.  Perhaps I will never accept me 100%.  But I can live with who I am.

I feel like I am losing one of the few people who cheer me on.  You want me to succeed.  You do not judge me.  The kids who will be under your care are very lucky to have you.  If your interactions with Paczki are a glimpse of what is to come, you will kick ass as a children’s psychiatrist.  These kids need help.  Having you by their side gives me hope that they will never have to face the stigma that comes with having a mental illness.

Thank you for those times where you let me rant.

Thank you for being there to let me know I am a good mom and human being.

Thank you for letting me grieve Fuego on my own terms.

But, most importantly, thank you for giving me a voice!

This voice will come out during my quest to find how to help those who do not have a voice.  The path that I will take is still unclear, but my mission is set.  Without your help, this voice would have been silenced.

I believe in destiny.  Part of me knows that if we had met under different circumstances, we would have been friends.  Life works in funny ways.  Our paths had to cross this way and I am thankful for that.

I wish you the best of luck.

Until we meet again,

>Funny things you see

 

Worst Blogger Ever

Seriously, there is so much going on in my head.  When I drive or interact with the world, subjects pop in in my head.  Yet, I can’t seem to find the time to sit down to write these thoughts down.  The worst part of it all is that I have some small breaks to blog even during my school time.  Maybe the fear of “sounding” stupid keeps me from putting my thoughts out there.  This fear should not prevent me from writing.  This blog is for therapeutic reasons as well as reaching out to others who may be going through the same issues.  Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, and WordPress are great tools.

I am going to try to be more present.  The Internet has provided me with a platform to express myself.

So, what is stopping me?

 

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Semi New Tattoo

Right before I took another giant step towards my anxiety recovery, I received news that someone from my past was doing something to harm my family’s well being.  Because things have to been resolved, I am not going to get into any details.  At least, not yet.

Anyway, the family was set to take a trip outside of the country on Thursday March 27th.  That Monday was just a regular day until we got the news.  I had anxiety and lots of anger.  For a moment, I thought about postponing the trip.  But that person had a stronghold on me for many years.  The abuse and self esteem hits I took from this person came back.

Thanks to my FullEclipse, family, and Dr. Inception, I decided to say FUCK YOU and go on the trip.  However, I needed a distraction.  So I got this:

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This tattoo had been in the works for a while.  It is a Kabbalah symbol to guard off anxiety.  It is supposed to help with mental healing.  It was just what I needed at the time.  The pain was a what I needed to forget life.

The tattoo is located right below my right wrist.  It is bigger than I thought it would be.  I am so happy with the result.  Three more tattoos and I will be done!

In the end, I forgot about the asshole.  I took the bull by the horns and took my trip.

Kudos to me!

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Germs…germs…and Marriage

I have said it over and over that even I am getting sick of hearing it.

But I love FullEclipse.

However, I do not love it when he gets sick and shares the germs with the rest of the family.  Sharing is caring.  Sharing germs is just a douche move :)

FullEclipse did not intentionally give us his cold.  Actually, it was the flu along with some sort of infection.  For the most part, he tried to stay away from us.  But, because of our close quarters, I ended up getting sick.  K2 soon followed.  Last week was just miserable.  Between the chills, the fever, and the crying (all from me), I had to make sure Paczki was in school and K2 was comfortable enough to rest.  We had some long nights.  FullEclipse helped a great deal at night.

Things are coming slowly back to normal.  K2 is fully recovered.  I am still very tired.  My tonsils are swollen.  Swallowing hurts and I am coughing half a lung at night.  Not a pretty sight at all!

What annoys me is that I had a plan to work out.  My start day was last Monday.  It didn’t happen since I was sick as a dog.  Today, it is not looking good either.  FullEclipse tells me it will take about two weeks to feel normal.  Bleh!  At least there is an end in sight even if the end looks like a treadmill.  Bleh again!!

On a positive note, the laundry is folded and put away.  My schoolwork for last week was submitted just in time to start the new school week.  Paczki is on vacation so no crazy driving!

Life…so simple at times!

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