It’s Never Too Late or Is It?

Full Eclipse graduated from college last week.

With his celebration, the graduation celebrations have begun.  Everywhere I look, I find ads or people talking about graduation.

That reminds me, Paczki graduates from Pre-K in a month.

For a long time, this end of the year activity made me upset.  I did not finish college.  Young people get to have all the fun, etc.  I had to struggle with my first two years of partying in college, marriage, divorce, marriage again, the family business, kids, anxiety, and overall sense of emptiness.

This cycle repeated during back to school as well.

Simply put, my life as student was over.

Dr. How I Met Your Mother changed this opinion.  Sure, I did not get to experience  college life, but I lived through some many experiences that taught me great lessons.  She said that not everyone gets to learn what I did.

This was a turning point for me.  I began to toy with the idea of going back to school.

After many hours of research, applications, and phone calls with enrollment counselors, I am proud to say that I am enrolled in school!

I am scared.  This will be a brand new format (online) and major.

Let’s see how it goes

signature

 

Facebook Musings

Social media is my how I communicate with the world.  I don’t have many “real life” friends.  The few that I have are busy with their lives.  Getting together with them is often difficult.  If we add my kids to the mix, it becomes impossible.

One of the advantages of living this virtual life is finding people who share my same interests and struggles.  Anxiety takes up most of my life.

I posted the following on a forum and on my wall:

 

I often think about my anxiety and what it has taken from me.

The “what-ifs” are what kills me all the time.   But that is a subject of another rant.

What I think about is how society views mental illnesses as a whole.  We seem to be treated like lepers who must be put aside where no one can see us, feel us or become infected with whatever disease we have. What aggravates and saddens me is how people underestimate the power of our illness.  How many times has anyone with a mental disorder heard this phrase, “It’s all in your head! How can you be sick?”   Well, thank you for pointing out the obvious!   As if we didn’t know it’s all in our heads.

The truth is far more complicated. In my case, for example, my panic disorder was diagnosed ten years ago. At the time, I thought it would pass.  It didn’t.  My anxiety comes and goes in waves.  One minute, I feel great.   Then, something happens that sends me into a road of anxiety, hopelessness, and depression.  When you least expect it, you wake up from this never ending nightmare realizing how much you have lost.   I can’t ride roller coasters, get on airplanes or do spontaneous things.   Going on a freeway scares me. Silly! I know, but this is my life.

It took a long time for me to accept my reality and realize that I needed help.   Even when I found it, the psychologists were not the most helpful.  I had to find the courage to say, “I matter.  I need to find someone else.” I found Dr. T (AKA Dr. How I Met Your Mother) and Dr. W (AKA Dr. Backstreet Boy) and began to feel some hope.   After over a year of medication and therapy sessions, I have begun to recover some of my freedom.

But there is always that sense that I am one step away from going over the edge.

My story is just one example of the many stories of  mental issues.

I am not asking for a handout from society.

People with mental issues want to be viewed as a normal even if I can’t do things that are considered “normal”.

Compassion and understanding would be a great step.

signature

This Time, It Really Is You!!

Breaking up is always hard.

Imagine breaking up with the person you trust to help you with your anxiety!

Last year, I was seeing a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and many interns (oh the joys of a teaching hospital).  I don’t mind going to a teaching hospital at all.  What bothers me is the fact that I have to answer the same questions over and over and over.  With anxiety, relieving your symptoms is not a good idea.

Before I go further, I have to say that last year was one of the hardest on my psyche and body.  I was becoming became a recluse who could not go out of a one mile radius.  My panic attacks were that bad.  To top it all off, I continued to gain weight.  I would days without seeing the light of day.

The more I saw my psychologist (named Dr. I don’t care), the worst I got.  I really felt that I was not getting what I needed out of my sessions.  He relied on the medications to help me feel better – they didn’t.  Dr. I don’t care, just sat there and nodded.  One of the things I stressed every time was how I wanted to stop the medication.  I wanted to get to the root of my issues and get over it.  My life and the one of my family could not pass me by while I wondered what to do.  I got no feedback from him.  The last insult was watching him nod off during a session.  That really pissed me off.  I should have said something, but chose not to.  The next day, I called my psychiatrist and asked to be transferred.

In some ways, it was good that Dr. I don’t care didn’t get a chance to speak to me.  I mean, what would I have said?  Oh Dr., you are great.  It is not you, it’s me.  But in reality, it really was him! I couldn’t be the nice person and lie to make him feel better.  His service was horrible.  How he has kept his job remains a mystery to me.

The lesson to be learned is always to speak up.

If I hadn’t said something, I doubt I would be in this stage of recovery.  I would not have met two of the most amazing psychiatrists: Dr. How I Met Your Mother and Dr. Backstreet Boy.  They have been the key to my success.

But more on them later.

signature

 

Blog Layout

Moving from blogger to WordPress was done in order to make some posts password protected.

This seems counterintuitive in the blogging world.  After all, there seems to be a narcissistic attribute to the whole “hey look at me!!  I am writing!!”

But I know that people from my past read my posts.  Why?  I don’t understand it.  They didn’t like me then.  I wonder if anything has changed.

I would be so nice for them to drop me a message instead of reading about my life and taking pleasure in my problems.

: waves hand and a sarcastic white flag :

Parley anyone?

Anyway…

Blogger had a more user friendly interface.  Customizing my blog was easy.  Wordpress doesn’t seem to have that friendliness that I need.

Maybe I need time and classes to figure it out.

In the meantime, you will see changes in the layout.  I have to find something that works for me.

Tumblr wasn’t so difficult.

Facebook isn’t so hard.

Twitter is perfect.

Oh well…

Woe is me.

Valentine’s Day 2012 – Doom Yet Again??

I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but FullEclipse and I are doomed when it comes to celebrating.  Two years ago, I got food poisoning on our Wedding Anniversary.  No work for me for two days.  We thought it was an isolated incident.  However, last year on Valentine’s Day, I got food poisoning again.  This time it took me away from work for a week.  The lovely illness also led to a ton of morning sickness.  It was bad.  FullEclipse is not one to celebrate Valentine’s Day.  One of our biggest arguments has been over Valentine’s Day.  The fact that he sent me chocolate covered strawberries, a balloon, a romantic letter, and took me out to dinner was a huge deal to me.   It should have ended on a very positive note.

We did not celebrate our Wedding Anniversary last year.  We just went out to dinner.  The dinner just happened to fall on the day we got married.  It worked.  This year we are going to Vegas.  We will not be celebrating anything.  The trip happens to fall on our Wedding Anniversary weekend.  Let’s see how that ends.

Anyway, just because we had a small success, that does not mean that our luck would change.  I told my husband that I didn’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year.  He was surprised, but understood my reasons.

Can you guess what happened anyway?

I ended up getting food poisoning from only God knows what.  FullEclipse spent a day and half taking care of the children and I.  It was very romantic.

He also gave me a present.  Granted, I had chosen it and we bought about a month ago.  At least the thought of my present cheered me up.

Maybe we will have luck next year.

 

 

 

Four Years Old!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PACKZI!!!!

My first baby turns four years old today! 

I can’t believe so much time has passed. 

I miss my little baby girl.

It seemed like it was only yesterday when we thought she would arrive on Super Bowl Sunday.  But, much like the K personality, Packzi had other plans.  She arrived on Fat Tuesday.  To celebrate her Polish roots and in honor of Fat Tuesday, FullEclipse nicknamed her Paczki.

Over the last year, my little one has grown so much.  Gone is her obsession with dinosaurs.  Along came a love of Princesses and Super Heroes.  The little girl who had trouble speaking cannot stop talking and asking all kinds of weird questions!  She is on the go.  Always talking and always questioning everyone.  Paczki, much like her mommy, has grown to love Starbucks and shoes.  Just like her daddy, she has become quite comfortable around video game systems.  She learned how to turn on Netflix to watch her favorite shows.  Go figure!

Now the horrible threes are gone, we all look forward to what a four-year old will be like.  It will be a blast and a ride full of laughs and lots of tantrums :)

Today we will have a low-key celebration at home.  We have a small cake and two of our friends are coming to celebrate with us.  This weekend has been a whirlwind of celebrations and tons of spoiling that began on Friday with cupcakes at school, a visit to Disneyland to meet the Princesses yesterday, and a lunch with a special treat this afternoon.

This weekend was all about Paczki and she loved it.  Sharing the spotlight with a brother is no fun so I wanted to make sure that her birthday would be unforgettable.

Let’s see what happens next year.  I am big on throwing big parties for my kids.  I did a petting zoo for Paczki’s first birthday and a dinosaur theme party for her second birthday.

Maybe she will grow to love Warner Brothers Cartoons.  One can only hope!

Happy Birthday Baby!

Mommy loves you very very much!!!

August 27, 2011

The house is quiet.

No crying, screaming, or whining.

Just silence!

This is the perfect time to post!

KittyKatt is (or should it be are?) playing outside.  I am enjoying a nice cup of decaf coffee while K2 is asleep (finally!) on the swing recovering from a cold.  It was a rough night, but let’s hope the worse is over.  It sucks to see your children be sick.  FullEclipse calms me.  He tells me that it will okay, that it all is part of growing up.  I am trying not to freak out.  If all goes well with the cold, the family will be celebrating Packzi’s birthday tomorrow with a Princess breakfast at my least favorite place in the world: Disneyland.  She has been looking forward to this breakfast for a month now.  I cannot wait to see her reaction.

This post was supposed to have been posted on the day K2 was born.  Better late than never!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

August 27, 2011

Today, just eleven minutes after midnight, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  He was named after a Twilight character and someone from the show J.A.G.

K2 came into the world weighing 9.4 lbs. and measuring 20 inches long.  Just like his sister, this little guy decided to come into world on his own terms and whenever he wanted.  K2 did not want to wait until Tuesday, August 30th to come out.

I began laboring on Thursday the 25th.  FullEclipse and I had returned from another OBGYN/ER visit at the hospital when my contractions began just after 11:00 p.m.  After trying to be brave all day Friday, I went to the hospital at night.  It was then that the doctors told me that I was dilated three centimeters.  The c-section needed to happen as soon as possible.  I went into freak out mode.

What about my panic attacks on the operating table? – I got medicated!

What about Paczki? – She was fine and happy to be a big sister.

Is K2 okay? – He was fine.

The whole procedure is a blur.  The anti-anxiety medication has made some things hard to remember.

But I remember his cry.

I remember my husband.  There is no other time where I feel more in love and connected to him.  Nothing brings us closer together than hearing our kids first cries.  At that moment, nothing else matters.

I remember how my heart grew.

I remember crying.

It was a crazy pregnancy full of emotions, doubts, and a sense that I could not bring K2 into the world safe.

We made it.

Everyone is tired.

If I could summarize this experience with one song, “Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles says it all.

Here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo)
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been clear
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right
It’s all right

 

Exhausted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The first month of 2012 ended yesterday.

Where did all the time go?  It seems like I am living in a parallel universe where times moves in weird patterns.  Some days are super long.  There are times where the weeks go by so fast.

One thing, however, remains true every day: I AM EXHAUSTED.

K2 was born in August and I have not had a good night of sleep since two days before my delivery.  The ER trips did not help my sleep at all!  While the baby has made great strides as far as sleeping a few hours a night go, I feel like I have to make up for all the time that I have stayed up.  FullEclipse tells me that since the baby gives me five or six hours a night, I should not be sleepy all the time.  What can I say?  It just feels like my body wants me to crash a whole night without waking up.  Yet, I cannot bring myself to do it.   FullEclipse offered to take the baby for a night, but I said no.  I can’t do it.  Something tells me that I would wake up anyway.  Since my husband works, I figured he could use the sleep.

Paczki has been amazing.  When she stays home from school, she comes to my bed and cuddles with me.  Every now and then, I catch twenty minutes of sleep while K2 sleeps and Packzi watches TV in my bedroom.

These little naps do not help at all because I wake up so tired.  Oh well!  Things will get better.

There is so much that I want to blog about, but I don’t seem to find the time at the end of the day.  One of my 2012 goals was to blog more often.  I am going to try to find the energy and time to do it.  I love this outlet!

 

Everything Is Great!!

Yay!!

I am finally catching my breath after ten weeks of craziness.  It all began with the Thursday that I went into labor followed by an “emergency” c-section, a new baby, not a lot of sleep, family from out of town, FullEclipse and Paczki getting sick, three ER visits (two for me, one for FullEclipse), doctor’s appointments, tons of anxiety attacks, Paczki getting adjusted to a new baby, lots of bonding with K2, etc!

I have a lot to post about.  The first few entries will be pregnancy and delivery related because I want to keep a record of what went on so my little one can read it one day.

In the meantime, thank you for all the comments :)

I am fine and so is the family.